Wikipedia:Peer review/David Lewis (politician)/archive1

David Lewis (politician)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm looking to bring it to FAC, and that there were concerns with the writing last time it was there.

Thanks, Abebenjoe (talk) 18:40, 20 March 2010 (UTC)

• It's a minor point but it seemed strange to me that the section on Rhodes Scholarship and Oxford makes no reference at all to the Rhodes Scholarship. Maybe mention it in passing around Lincoln College and/or change the title to de-emphasise it. FunkyCanute (talk) 18:34, 23 March 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for the comment FunkyCanute. I believe most of the information about him being selected for the Rhodes Scholarship is located at the end of the McGill section, since it seems to flow with that section. The title reflects why he was at Oxford, but I take your point, I'll add something in the first sentence or two that his Scholarship allowed him to be at Lincoln College or something to that effect.Abebenjoe (talk) 00:14, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

I elected to move the Rhode Scholarship paragraph, that dealt with his selection, to the main section dealing with Oxford while he was on the scholarship.Abebenjoe (talk) 06:55, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

It works well there FunkyCanute (talk) 10:04, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

Thank you for pointing it out.Abebenjoe (talk) 15:11, 26 March 2010 (UTC)

• I think you should reference the lead section and infobox. You can use the same refs from the below. I think there really should be more refs. Can you review List of vegetarians too? Kayau Voting IS evil 13:50, 26 March 2010 (UTC)

Thank you for looking at the article. In fully-formed articles, introductory paragraphs do not need footnotes, so long as the information in them is footnoted properly in the body of the article. The same goes for the InfoBox. When the article failed FAC, it wasn't due to references, but writing style. The article has been revised, and copy-edited to take into account the FAC criticisms. I'll take look at your list.Abebenjoe (talk) 14:50, 26 March 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is very good, seems comprehensive, well-supported, well-organized, professionally written. I found it quite illuminating. In a few places toward the end, I think it would be helpful to include just a bit more background about the Canadian political system. I mention a couple of specifics below, and I make quite a few small suggestions related to prose and the Manual of Style. Overall, this seems to me to be about ready for a return to FAC.

Lead

• "As the United Steelworkers of America's legal counsel in Canada, he helped them take over the International Union of Mine, Mill, and Smelter Workers." - USW should go in parentheses here on first use of United Steelworkers. To avoid the awkwardness of the possessive, maybe "As legal counsel for the United Steelworkers of America (USW) in Canada... "? This sentence is also the place to introduce the Mine-Mill shorthand for the International Union of Mine, Mill, and Smelter Workers since you use Mine-Mill later in the article.

The Bund and Jewish life in the Pale

• "Svisloch was located in the Russian Empire's Pale of Settlement, in what is now Belarus. - It's considered good practice to avoid bumping links together; readers can't tell where one ends and the next begins. Recasting often solves this problem. Suggestion: "Svisloch was located in what is now Belarus, in the Pale of Settlement of the Russian Empire.
• "3,500 of Svisloch's 4,500 residents were Jewish." - The Manual of Style advises against starting sentences with digits. Maybe "Of Svisloch's 4,500 resident, 3,500 were Jews."
• "The Bolsheviks reached Svisloch border in July 1920." - Missing word? "the Svisloch border"?

Political involvement

• "The Oxford newspaper Isis noted Lewis' leadership ability at this early stage in his career. In their February 7, 1934 issue, while Lewis was president, they wrote of the club... ". - Since "newspaper" is singular, shouldn't this say, "In its February 7, 1934, issue, while Lewis was president, Isis wrote of the club... "?
• "If he were to stay in England, he likely would have been a partner in a prominent London law firm associated with Stafford Cripps... " - "If he had stayed in England" rather than "if he were to stay in England"?

Make this your Canada

• "The book also outlined the history of the CCF up to that time and explained how the party's decision-making process." - Delete "how"?

1945 elections

• By April 1945, the CCF were down to 20 percent nationally, and on election day they received only 16 percent." - "Was" rather than "were"? "Its candidates" or "the party" rather than "they"?
• "Lewis ran in Hamilton West instead of an open Winnipeg riding that had elected CCF... ". Wikilink riding?

Fighting Communist influence

• "Over the next twenty years, a fierce and ultimately successful battle was waged by Millard's United Steel Workers of America (USWA) to take... ". - (USW) rather than (USWA) to match the abbreviation used earlier in the article?

• "It was not until the CCF became the New Democratic Party (NDP) and the IUMSSW/USWA war was over... " - Same thing. It's confusing to encounter IUMSSW when Mine-Mill was used earlier. The front slash is not so good either. Better would be "and the Mine-Mill–USW war was over".

Private labour law practice

• "He became the chief legal advisor to the United Steel Workers of America's Canadian division... ". - Here I'd use USW's instead of spelling it out again.
• "and battles with the Mine, Mill union" - Mine-Mill for consistency.

Leadership succession crisis

• "Lewis and the rest of the new party's organizers opposed Argue's manoeuvres, and wanted Saskatchewan premier Tommy Douglas... ". I think this is the first mention of Douglas. If so, wikilink Tommy Douglas?

1962–1971

• "Lewis decided to run in his home riding of York South, which was held provincially by the NDP's Ontario leader, Donald C. MacDonald." - Did MacDonald choose not to run for re-election? Probably I'm simply confused here by the phrase "was held provincially" since later the article says that MacDonald was pushed out in 1970.

I replaced it as follows: " Lewis decided to run in his home riding of York South, which was concurrently held provincially, in the Legislative Assembly of Ontario, by the NDP's Ontario leader, Donald C. MacDonald." I hope that clears it up for people not familar with Canadian politics.Abebenjoe (talk) 16:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)

• "It took extra effort on Stephen's and Caplan's parts to convince it that David was a legitimate Jewish voice, and that he would not harm their businesses." - "It" is singular, but "their" is plural. Maybe "convince community members that David was a legitimate Jewish voice and that he would not harm their businesses"?
• "Lewis' first term as MP was a short one, as Diefenbaker's minority government was defeated in the April 8, 1963, general election. - Would it be helpful to explain in a footnote (or briefly in the text) why the defeat of Diefenbaker's government would have ended Lewis' term? Foreigners will not necessarily know much of anything about how the Canadian system works.
• "The October 1970 Quebec FLQ Crisis put Lewis in the spotlight, as he was the only NDP MP with any roots in Quebec. He and Douglas were opposed to the October 16 implementation of the War Measures Act." - Ditto here for outsiders to Canada, its government and history. Although it's fine to link War Measures Act, it would be really helpful to add something to the article itself about what war the government had in mind.

Leader of the NDP

• "divided the convention along Waffle/Establishment lines" - The front slash is almost always ambiguous. Maybe just ending the sentence after "convention" would be better. The two camps are made clear in the preceding sentences.
• "as had his involvement in most of the CCF/NDP's internal conflicts during the previous 36 years" - Ditto here. I'd suggest "most of the internal conflicts between the CCF and the NDP during the previous 36 years".

Removed the forward slash, and replaced it with "and". The CCF and the NDP were never in conflict with each other, because the NDP is the CCF's child, after the CCF formally closed down and became the NDP in 1961.Abebenjoe (talk) 16:36, 29 March 2010 (UTC)

Other

• The images need alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. (Whether you need them at the moment for FA, I'm not sure; the requirement seems to be in flux.) WP:ALT has details.
• Many of the citation templates embedded in the article have empty parameters that are unlikely ever to be filled. It makes things a bit tidier to remove them. This does not apply to the infobox, which has unfilled fields with potential for filling, but in the main text, if an article has a single author, for example, there's no point in leaving a blank coauthor field.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. We have a perpetual supply of articles and a perpetual shortage of willing and able editors. Finetooth (talk) 04:09, 28 March 2010 (UTC)

Wow! Thanks for reviewing the article. You have provided some very useful commentary that should improve the article. I should be able to review a few other articles in the near future.Abebenjoe (talk) 16:31, 28 March 2010 (UTC)

Went through the article and implemented 99% of your recommendations. Thank you for taking the time to give such insightful comments.Abebenjoe (talk) 16:36, 29 March 2010 (UTC)