Wikipedia:Peer review/DJ AM/archive2

DJ AM

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This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to get some feedback on how to prepare it for FAC. I will happily review any PR, GAN or FAC in return for your comments here. Thanks, Freikorp (talk) 07:33, 5 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Cognissonance

Early and personal life

"the man he thought was his father was not his biological one" – Improve prose: "the man he thought was his father was not biologically so". In fact, perhaps move this whole sentence to the end of the paragraph so as not to confuse readers with subsequent referrals to his father. This necessitates the removal of "however".

"When Goldstein was 20 years, old" – Remove misplaced punctuation.

deejaying – Specify whether it means Disc jockey or Deejay (Jamaican) with a wikilink.

"In 1997 he attempted suicide but was unsuccessful when the gun he placed in his mouth jammed when he pulled the trigger" – Long-winded. I suggest "In 1997, he attempted suicide; with the gun in his mouth, it jammed as he pulled the trigger".

Career

"Us Weekly editor Janice Min said" – I would replace "said" with "observed, " to avoid the generic X said Y trap. Try to rectify this later in the article as well.
I see a lot of inconsistency in the use (and non-use) of commas after prefixes. I suggest keeping with one style.
"Goldstein and Travis Barker began performing under the name TRV$DJAM in June 2008" – I don't see any mention of Barker before this. Was he a friend of Goldstein? How did they team up?

Despite extensive searching I can't find any mention of this. Even the documentary on his life mentions nothing on how or where they met. Freikorp (talk) 14:18, 24 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

~~Third paragraph should name Travis Barker by his last name for continuity.~~

~~Fourth and fifth paragraphs use the word "appear" / "appeared" / "appearing" too many times instead of synonyms.~~

~~"His final project" – Break into a new paragraph from here to give a little breathing room before talking about his death.~~
"Tony DiSanto, who came up with the idea for the show, said "It crosses all of our minds" whether placing Goldstein near other addicts helped contribute to his relapse" – Improve prose: "Tony DiSanto, who came up with the idea for the show, acknowledged the possibility that placing Goldstein near other addicts helped contribute to his relapse".

"After debating whether to air the show following his death" – I would either replace "After debating" with "Having debated" or replace "following" with "in the wake of".

"shooting eight episodes before his death, with an original scheduled air date of October 5, 2009" – Would work better fragmented into "shooting eight episodes before his death. The originally scheduled air date was October 5, 2009". It may also be out of scope, however, as air dates are not all that relevant to the actual biography.

~~"After his death" and "Shortly after his death" are unnecessary (avoid repetition). The two instances of "before his death" shouldn't be hard to vary.~~

Death

~~Crack cocaine is redirected from crack pipe, but wikilink was already used in Early and personal life. WP:OVERLINKING.~~

Hope it helps. Good luck. Cognissonance (talk | contibs) 22:51, 21 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks so much for your review. :) Freikorp (talk) 14:26, 24 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Homeostasis07

Sorry this took so long, @Freikorp: Rather than post a bunch of tiny comments here, I decided it'd be quicker to just make a few copy-edits myself. It's a fine looking article, and there's only really one section that I think requires any sort of work:

Early life

After looking up other featured articles, they all seem to begin with a similar type of wording, like: "Aaliyah Dana Haughton was born on January 16, 1979, in Brooklyn, New York, and was the younger child of Diane and Michael "Miguel" Haughton." Similar type of wording at Ike Altgens and Ben Affleck. So maybe it'd be best to do that here as well? Also, the LA Times article at reference 1 appears to confirm his birth date and location, but doesn't seem to mention his parent's names, or that he/his parents were Jewish, although there are other sources in the section which confirm this (Las Vegas Sun). And I think the first two paragraphs of this section could be made a little clearer/more direct. I might have gotten this wrong, but the article seems to be saying that his parents adopted his sister a year before he was born because they couldn't conceive themselves, and then his mother became pregnant after having an affair with another man—Adam's real father? With all this in mind, maybe the first two paragraphs could read as something like:

"Adam Michael Goldstein was born on March 30, 1973 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. His parents, Andrea and Herbert – both of whom were Jewish – had been unable to naturally conceive children, and thus had adopted Goldstein's older sister Lana a year prior to him being born. Goldstein's mother temporarily left her husband after she caught him having extramarital sex with another man, during which time she had an affair herself. She found out she was pregnant with Adam after returning to her husband. While heavily pregnant, she discovered her husband had been adulterous a second time, and then disclosed to him in anger that he was not the biological father of her baby.

Goldstein described his father as "unbelievably cruel", stating that he was verbally abused by him. As an adult, he said that this was likely due to resentment for him not being his biological son. Goldstein witnessed his father openly taking cocaine and marijuana throughout his childhood. Goldstein said he began overeating as a way of dealing with anger and depression, and was obese by the age of 10. He also began experimenting with alcohol when he was 11. After watching Herbie Hancock perform "Rockit" at the 26th Annual Grammy Awards in 1984, Goldstein became obsessed with deejaying, realizing it was what he wanted to do for a career. Goldstein attended the Quaker school Friends' Central. When Goldstein was 14, his father was incarcerated for committing bank fraud, and his mother subsequently moved with Goldstein and his sister to Los Angeles."

Aside from that, I think this article could do fine at FAC. Good luck. ;) Homeostasis07 (talk) 20:10, 2 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks so much for your comments. I'm very happy with the feedback overall so I'm happy to close this review now. Freikorp (talk) 05:13, 3 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]