Wikipedia:Peer review/Birdo/archive1

Birdo

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I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to push it to good article.

Thanks, The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 07:15, 15 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Note to nominator: Due to a shortage of reviewers, peer reviews are being delayed for up to two weeks. It will help to speed things up if you can find time to review one article from the backlog list, which appears on the WP:PR page. Thanks. Brianboulton (talk) 16:48, 20 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: The basic theme of a transgendered video-game character is quite interesting and holds the article together nicely. However, prose and style issues alone prevent this article from reaching GA in its current state. I made some minor proofing changes, and I list quite a few more suggestions about prose and style below. The list isn't complete, and it would be good to seek the help of a copyeditor after other changes are made. The other thing I would suggest is to consider adding a Background section to briefly explain these games (if that's possible) to outsiders. What is a mini-boss, for example? Is Birdo's character developed through plot devices? Do the games have much in the way of a narrative? Does Birdo change (age, grow wiser, develop relationships) during the games, or is she essentially static within each game? (I realize that game developers have changed her from game to game, but that's a bit different from a continuous narrative or character development within a single game.)

Overlinking: Generally, linking special terms once in the lead and perhaps once more in the main text is good. More than that is often overkill. For example, I see no reason to link Super Mario Advance twice in the "Concept and creation" section or to link Super Mario Bros. 2 repeatedly throughout the article. Ditto for similar repetitious links.

Citation-needed tags: These should all be addressed in some way.

Lead

The lead should be an inviting summary of the whole article. A good rule of thumb is to at least mention in the lead each of the main text sections. The existing lead says nothing about "Promotion and reception", which is a large part of the article.

"The manual asserts that she is a male who believes he is a girl, and would rather be referred to as "Birdetta"." - Would it be more clear to say the "original manual"?

"Later versions of Super Mario Bros. 2 make no mention in either the manual or the video game itself." - Would it be more clear to say "no mention of gender"?

No need to link Captain Rainbow twice in the lead.

Concept and creation

Link Game Boy Advance?

"Birdo was originally a mini-boss... " - Should "mini-boss" be explained? Readers who have never played these games will not know what it means.

"In Super Smash Bros. Brawl, it is said that Birdo is of "indeterminate gender" in her trophy." - Would it be helpful to explain what trophy that might be? Also, should the phrase be "on her trophy"?

Appearances

"Birdo has made several cameo appearances, including an early one teaching the character the rules" - Does "character" mean the "player character"?

She would also make appearances in multiple Mario role-playing games..." - "Makes" rather than "would make"?

In other media

"The first Track of HORSE the Band's album The Mechanical Hand, called "Birdo" heavily references the character. " - Various problems. Suggestion: "Birdo", the first track of Horse the Band's album The Mechanical Hand, heavily references the character.

Promotion and reception

"Birdo has appeared several times in promotional items, including figurines, plush toys, and other collectibles such as a chess set. figurine or as a part of a set of figurines." - Punctuation and repetition of "figurine" three times.

"In the book "Life on the screen: identity in the age of the Internet" - Book titles should appear in italics. Ditto for other book titles in the article.

"They described her gender as one of life's biggest questions, commenting on how she shoots eggs out of her mouth as another oddity of her's." - Tighten by deleting "of her's".

"Birdo has received praise from transsexuals due to being a transgender, including video game designer Jennifer Reitz." - Suggestion: "Birdo has been praised by transsexuals, including video-game designer Jennifer Reitz, because Birdo is transgendered."

References

"Super Mario Bros. 2 credits roll in Super Mario All-Stars" - I'm not sure what this refers to. Should it include a publisher and date of publication? Does it refer to something within the game itself?

Citations to Internet sources should include author, title, publisher, date of publication, url, and date of most recent access if all of these are known or can be found. Citation 9, for example, could include the author's name (Harris, Craig) and the publication date (March 22, 2001).

Magazine names like Wired in citation 21 should appear in italics.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. I don't generally check corrections after my reviews because it's too time-consuming. Please ping me on my talk page if my comments are unclear or if questions arise. Finetooth (talk) 17:10, 26 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]