Wikipedia:Peer review/Beyoncé/archive2

Beyoncé Knowles

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After a considerable amount of copy-editing, re-organisation and ref-tightening, I think this article may be good enough to be proposed as a FAC and I'd appreciate any feedback!

Thanks, —JennKR | ☎ 23:14, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Tomica

Lead

Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter,[3] also known simply as Beyoncé ---> Isn't simply known as more simple to use?

Done —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Born and raised in Houston, Texas and performing in singing and dancing competitions ---> How does her birth in Houston is related to singing and dancing? I think this sentence need re-organization.

Done (Is that better?) —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

she began her music career aged sixteen as lead singer of R&B girl-group Destiny's Child ---> The sentence misses the definite article.

Done —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

which established the singer as a viable solo artist worldwide, selling 11 million copies, earned five Grammy Awards and featured the Billboard number one singles "Crazy in Love" and "Baby Boy". ---> I propose: which established the singer as a viable solo artist worldwide; it sold 11 million copies, earned five Grammy Awards and featured the Billboard number one singles "Crazy in Love" and "Baby Boy".

Done —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

which saw the birth of her alter-ego Sasha Fierce and earned her a record-setting ---> two times her repetition.

Done —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

she has won 17 Grammy Awards, and has sold over ---> she has won 17 Grammy Awards and sold over.

Done —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

— Tomíca^(T2ME) 23:31, 28 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

The sections seems good according to me! Moving forward. — Tomíca^(T2ME) 12:28, 29 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

1997–2001: Destiny's Child

based on a passage in the Book of Isaiah ---> Can you wiki link passage? It might be confusing for some people...
Done —JennKR | ☎ 14:33, 31 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]
In 1997, with Columbia Records, Destiny's Child released their major label debut song "Killing Time" on the soundtrack to the 1997 film, Men in Black. ----> hmm I think this need re-wording, it's kinda complex.
Done —JennKR | ☎ 14:40, 31 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]
The Writing's on the Wall sold more than eight million copies. ---> worldwide right?
Done —JennKR | ☎ 14:33, 31 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]
questioning herself and who her friends were. ---> This read like a magazine, I don't think the sentence is needed.
Done —JennKR | ☎ 14:40, 31 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Franklin was dismissed, leaving just Knowles, Rowland, and Williams. ---> Hmm, maybe a sentence how Rowland came in the bend?
Not done This is established earlier ("Aged eight, Knowles and childhood friend Kelly Rowland met LaTavia Roberson while in an audition for an all-girl entertainment group...") —JennKR | ☎ 14:40, 31 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]