Wikipedia:Peer review/Albert Fish/archive1

Albert Fish

Please take a look at the article on a serial killer, and see how it can be improved. --Richard Arthur Norton (1958- ) 06:50, 16 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Comment "Legacy" section could be cleaned up and prosified. LuciferMorgan 20:25, 16 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, APR _t 21:19, 17 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]

What a ghastly tale! I've made a few minor changes already but here are others suggestions:

It is mostly nicely referenced, but some paragraphs or parts of paragraphs are without citations.

Delete the space after the fullstops, commas etc before the reference tag

There are some stylistic things I would like to see changed. For example, find an alternative for the word "murder" (killings?) which is repeated too often in the first paragraph

Some sentences are unclear to

e.g. "He confessed to three murders that could be traced to a known homicide";

I was confused by the early life section, which maybe should be reordered a bit. Perhaps all the information about his father could go together, for example, and the bit about the name change and the orphanage go after the point where the orphanage is mentioned.

It would be good to put all the murders and attacks in order as it is strange going back to Billy Gaffney and the other murder after it looks like he should be in jail.

Comment I think the current order of the article is best with the information revealed as the case unfolds, rather than chrono order. I tried moving the Gaffney murder first, but most of the information was revealed only after his capture, so it seems out of place that way also. Its a tough call. Both the New York Times summary, and the crime library "events unfolding" order. --Richard Arthur Norton (1958- ) 01:03, 24 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Find another word for attack as in the "first attack" since I think raping kids is an attack for sure

Maybe put all the information about the psychiatrists opinions in one block in the trial section, rather than having part of it in the earlier sections.

I don't think Legacy is the right word for the last section. How about References in Popular Culture or somethin like that?

A gruesome life, but there is a lot of useful information there. Well done. --Slp1 23:04, 23 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Any more comments on which format looks and reads best? 1) we have a pure chrono order from the perspective of Fish, 2) or the events as they unfold to the police and in the order Fish confesses to the crimes. --Richard Arthur Norton (1958- ) 23:12, 24 January 2007 (UTC)[reply]