Wikipedia:Peer review/Aberdeen/archive1

Aberdeen

As of 14th May 2007, all suggestions to this date have been implemented and this peer review is now closed. Bobbacon 12:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

This article is about Scotland's third largest city. There has been a lot of editing lately on this article and would like to help make it a featured article. As this is the first article I have worked on to this level and I would like a peer review so that I can get a better idea of the strengths and weaknesses. Bobbacon 12:39, 21 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

It needs a good copyedit to start with and if going for FA more referencing would be good. I haven't read the whole article yet but these are some points from the 1st few sections:

Swap the order of the 2 sentences in the opening paragraph?
The sentence 'There has been settlement...' is odd, the 2nd half doesn't follow well from the 1st. Is this continuous settlement? Could we have a paragraph or even 2 in the summary entirely on the history of Aberdeen? Maybe saying how relatively important a city it was before oil was found.
Are the Britain in Bloom awards really worthy of a mention in the lead section?
Is Aberdeen really sturdy? Or does it just look sturdy?
'various different people' - do you mean this? or 'peoples'? in the 1st case this is obvious so can be cut, in the 2nd why not say which peoples?
Can we have more about 'Bon Accord'? Why do you need a secret phrase to lay seige to a castle?
'had all been removed by 1770.' sounds better to me
'comprising of'?
'and by 1805 George Street, King Street and Union Street opening.'? do you mean opened? why are these streets noteworthy?
'a fine granite arch' NPOV? or is this granite that isn't coarse?
'second largest granite building in the world.' citation? what is the largest? in fact there aren't any citations in this or the religion section.
'Crossing the cities other river'?
The Norwegian wikipedia link implies it is a featured article but this doesn't seem obvious from the article itself. JMiall 23:11, 23 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

thanks for taking a look at this article. I have added a copyedit tag to the page (my English isn't the best :P ) I haven't had time to make any changes yet but after the weekend I will put the suggestions for the first few paragraphs into place. I have also shared these suggestions with other people working on the article so they will prove invaluable. Bobbacon 15:33, 24 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, APR _t 22:39, 26 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

There's quite a lot of one sentence paragraphs in some of the lower sections of the article ie Transport, Politics and Sport. Would it be possible to maybe expand some of these, or knit these one sentence paragraphs together? To give one example: "There are five major roads in and out of the city the A90, A96, A93, A92 and the A947." maybe you could say what directions they head in, which places they connect to Aberdeen to etc, just to give that little bit more information. Globaltraveller 19:41, 5 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your comments, your suggestions have been implemented with one-sentence paragraphs moved to put them in single paragraphs knitted together and extra information added to each of the three sections mentioned. Further information for transport with directions have also been added. Do you have any other suggestions I can implement? Bobbacon 12:32, 12 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I have carried on and read the rest of the article. Personally I think that this is a really good article (and much improved from 3 weeks ago) but it still needs work before it is ready for FA on the copyediting/brilliant prose side

Some more specific points (apologies if you have already changed any of these - I was reading yesterday's version):

Use of terms like recent, recently, lately, today - if possible can these be written to use terms like 'in the early 21st century', 'as of 2007' or even missed out altogether. How does the reader know when that bit of text was written?
'but the city ranks only a poor fourth in Scotland for shopping' - citation? why poor fourth?
majour?
Is the first paragraph in the education section important? If Aberdeen has 2 universities then you would expect more students in the area than nationally. Also can the word 'Educationally' be dropped?
'In 2001 it UK census records'?
Don't start a new paragraph with 'it'
'which have 49% of residences'? do you mean 'which comprise'?
Can the Performing arts section be rewritten so there isn't so much information in brackets and the Lemon Tree link be put at the 1st mention of this venue.
'For those looking for a less flower orientated experience then Hazlehead Park is the place to go' - this is straight out of a guidebook. Rewrite. Some references in this paragraph wouldn't go amiss either.
Why does the Doric Festival get a direct link in the text? Can this not go in external links?
Short paragraphs in the media section.
'and has enjoyed success on all levels from North District to international' - what is North District? JMiall 22:44, 13 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your suggestions, I have been taking a bit of wikibreak right now which is why I have taken time to get back to you. I will be integrating your suggestions soon- I have found that after working on an article for some time I start to read what I think is there as opposed to what is there and I stop noticing the small problems; so I am taking an Aberdeen break so I can look at it with fresh eyes again! Bobbacon 15:07, 19 March 2007 (UTC)[reply]

As of 14th May 2007, all suggestions to this date have been implemented and this peer review is now closed. Bobbacon 12:22, 14 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Aberdeen Peer Review 2

Closed (with no interest) on 06/08/2007 Bobbacon

Since the first peer review on 21/02/2007, a lot has been changed particulalry the formatting, style and prose has been vastly improved. As with any article the eventual aim is FA status, I think the current B status could be improved. Thanks, Bobbacon 09:08, 23 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]