- Comment: I unfortunately do not have the time to do a full review for this nomination, but I just wanted to let you know that the Media data and Non-free use rationale box for the music video screenshot is incomplete. There are two portions that are left as "n.a.". Aoba47 (talk) 01:39, 10 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]
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Since there has not been any activity since my last comment, I will provide a review to hopefully get the ball rolling. I hope this is helpful.
- I would revise this sentence (It was released by Canadian record label Monstercat on 30 January 2017 as part of an initiative organised by the label and Emery called "Make Trance No. 1 Again".) to something like (Canadian record label Monstercat released it on 30 January 2017 as part of an initiative called "Make Trance No. 1 Again".) to make it a little more concise and to avoid the passive tense.
- I would be consistent with using either Standerwich or Ian Standerick.
- Changed most instances of Ian Standerwick to just Standerwick (his full real name to his stage name), with the exception of the producers tab in the infobox and credits section.
- For this part (support anti-bullying charity Ditch the Label), I would add "the" in front of "anti-bully charity".
- For this part (Their goal was to encourage fans to purchase the song on Beatport, an online music store, to support anti-bullying charity Ditch the Label and get the song to the top of the Beatport charts), I would avoid using "the song" twice in one sentence. You could either replace the first instance with the song's title or the second instance with it to avoid this altogether.
- Replaced the second "the song" with "Saving Light" to avoid being repetitive with both phrases.
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- For this part (The song achieved this goal within a month of its release), I would just say "The song achieved this within a month of its release" to avoid the repetition of "goal" from the previous sentence.
- The lead should mention the music video.
- Done. I've based it off of the lead from "Diamonds", so it should be fine in formatting.
- I would remove "for inclusion" for this part "for inclusion on van Buuren's 2017 trance mix album, A State of Trance 2017.".
- I am not sure if "group" is the right word choice for this part (The group composed the lyrics in under an hour). I get what you mean, but it is a little confusing because the songwriters do not identify as a collective (compare this to songwriting groups like The Clutch).
- I can see what you are getting at. "Group" seems to be kinda out of place or simply just not the right word to use. I've changed it to "the four", referring to the four songwriters who are mentioned in the previous sentence.
- I would simplify this part (Emery and Standerwick tried different ideas for a musical style) to something like (Emery and Standerwick tried different musical styles).
- Link Monstercat in this part (an initiative organised by Emery and Monstercat that encouraged fans to purchase) as it is the first time the label is mentioned in the body of the article.
- For this part (Emery described the song's meaning as about standing up to bullies and supporting victims by being their "saving light"), I would just say "Emery described the song as about" to be a little more concise.
- In the lead, you say that Monstercat and Emery specifically request for people to buy the song on Beatport, but in the body of the article, it is left more vague with this part (that encouraged fans to purchase the song to support the anti-bullying charity Ditch the Label).
- added "via Beatport" in that section to clarify.
- You do not make it clear in the prose that Haliene is singing on this song until the "Critical reception" section. I would clarify this point when you are talking about the production and lyrics of the song.
- Changed a bit in the production process to "The four composed the lyrics in under an hour, with Haliene providing vocals". I think this might be good, but if not, please say so.
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- Changed to “The four composed the lyrics in under an hour and Haliene provided vocals for the song.”
- I would wikilink YouTube on the first use in the body of the article.
- I have always been told in the past to avoid the "with X verb+ing" sentence structure (as shown here "with an editor for EDM Sauce writing" as an example). I do not have an issue with it, but I just wanted to let you know about it.
- I always have trouble writing critical reception bits because I keep defaulting to that structure. I've fancied up the entire reception bit for Notaker's remix into [His remix was well-received; a EDM Sauce editor felt that Notaker added a "gritty digital feel" to the song, letting him "display his own version of this already incredible track" and Robyn Dexter of Dancing Astronaut praised Notaker's sound design and production, saying he "continues to prove he's a force to be reckoned with in the dance music community."] though I'm not totally sure if it's grammatically correct, though Grammarly says it's good.
- For this part (Without doubt, "Saving Light" is one of those rare ones.), since the song title is in quotation marks, I believe it should be single quotation marks instead of the double ones.
- You are correct, yes. Done.
- I am uncertain about the "while" transition in this part (while We Rave You's Fiorito Maniego felt that her voice suits the song's trance composition) since it is typically used to suggest a contrast, and that is not the case here.
- I agree with you there, 'while' is used for agree/disagree type things. I've changed it to "and" to act as an conjunctive adverb.
- The block quote in the "Music video" section seems a tad excessive. Is there a way to cut it down and use your own words instead?
- Re-wrote that entire bit, replacing the quote with my own words. There may be better ways to write it though.
- For reference 4, I would not put "Listen" in all caps. Same for "Earmilk" in Reference 13.
- I've removed the "listen" title thing as it doesn't add anything and only acts as a sort of clickbait method and lowercased "Earmilk".
Again, I hope this helps. I would recommend pinging the editor from the peer review to hopefully get more commentary on this nomination. Aoba47 (talk) 16:15, 28 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]
- I think you are missing a word here (Emery said that he did not the video to be a typical dance music video).
- For this part (Emery got in touch with Ditch the Label to work on the music video, working with Liam Hackett, their CEO and founder,), I think it should be "its CEO and founder" instead of "their". Aoba47 (talk) 10:59, 29 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]
- I am wondering if this sentence (The song achieved this within a month of its release, reaching number one on the Beatport overall charts on 16 February 2017) be simplified to either (The song reached number one on the Beatport overall charts on 16 February 2017) or (The song achieved this on 16 February 2017). There is something slightly repetitive about the sentence.
- Replaced with your second suggestion.
- For this sentence ("Saving Light" was voted the 2017 Tune of the Year on Armin van Buuren's radio show A State of Trance and was voted the Best Original Trance track of 2017 by the r/EDM subreddit.), I would remove the second instance of "was voted".
- I have a comment about this part (The official remixes of "Saving Light" featured electronic music artists Decoy!, Hixxy, Intercom, Notaker, Nwyr, and Ruben de Ronde). Would it be better to just list the two notable artists (i.e. the ones with Wikipedia articles) in the lead?
- For this part (Haliene released her acoustic version of the song on 30 January 2019), I would simplify "her acoustic version of the song" to "an acoustic version".
- I have a comment about this part (which they gave to songwriters Roxanne Emery, Haliene, Matthew Steeper, and Karra during a writing session.), specifically the "during a writing session" portion. After reading the Billboard source, it sounds like Emery did not attend the writing session at all, and gave them the demo so they could have something to work on in his absence. I think "for a writing session" would better reflect that as the "during" part makes me think he was present at this session and gave it to these individuals then. Aoba47 (talk) 13:44, 29 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]
- Done. "During" does kinda sound like he was a part of the session, so "for" sounds like he gave them the material to work on, which is what happened.
- I would avoid repeating the word "video" twice in this part (Emery said that he did not want the video to be a typical dance music video of him and Standerwick dancing at a festival, instead choosing to produce a video that would "provide hope for those dealing with adversity.").
- Done, replaced the first "the video" with "it", should be good as that it should be obvious to readers what Emery is referring to.
- Do you think the lead should include a brief sentence about the song's lyrics?
- Going off of what the article has on the lyrics, I've added a bit about how the lyrics are intertwined with the music video and what is is generally about.
- Armada Music should be wikilinked in this part (On 1 November 2017, Armada Music opened voting to select for the 2017 Tune of the Year for) as it is the first and only time it is mentioned in the body of the article. Aoba47 (talk) 13:49, 29 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]
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