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The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was promoted by Karanacs 02:08, 15 July 2010 [1].

Peter Evans (swimmer)

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Peter Evans (swimmer) (edit | talk | history | protect | delete | links | watch | logs | views)

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Nominator(s): YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 02:05, 16 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]

An Australian breaststroke swimmer of the 1980s who won gold in the 4x1 medley relay in Moscow. He was good enough to win bronze in the 100m breaststroke twice, in 1980 and 1984. YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 02:05, 16 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Done YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 00:29, 17 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks. You now have a dead link to [3]. Ucucha 05:40, 17 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Done, he's updated his autobiog. But all the content is still in the same places, it seems that only the title was changed. YellowMonkey (bananabucket!) 05:52, 17 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks again, all links looking fine now. Ucucha 06:00, 17 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Coming YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 00:29, 17 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
You need to add publisher info to the Tonelli entry, even though it's self-published. I don't think this was ever published in print form, so add retrieval date. Brianboulton (talk) 08:50, 18 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Just as "Mark Tonelli"? Done YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 00:19, 21 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 04:03, 30 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Comments –

Ah! It was a predecessor YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 04:03, 30 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • National debut: "He set a national record in winning the 100 m breaststroke in a time of 1 m 4.80 s in and also qualified...". Third "in" should be taken out.
  • 1980 Moscow Olympics: Why is World capitalized in "Western World"?
I hate it when I miss the odd thing YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 05:43, 3 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Tonelli and Goodhew were already linked in the previous section.
  • Reference 8 says nothing about who the favorites for the breaststroke race were. I assume this is included in one of the subsequent book cites?
Yes. Reiterated YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 04:03, 30 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Relay victory: Tonelli and Goodhew linked yet again.
  • US college career: Space needed in "handsigned".
  • "which are sum in long-course pools". "sum" → "swum".
  • Would it be possible to have initials in parenthesis after the Australian Swimming Union, since its abbreviated form is seen in a future section?
  • International farewell: Remove space after "Evans was joined by Kerry".
  • "Evans later stated that he felt that his admission that...". Just my opinion, but it seems like a lot of "that"s for a small passage. Giants2008 (27 and counting) 02:37, 29 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Done the rest YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 04:03, 30 June 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Support – All the comments have been taken care of, and the FA criteria are met in my view. In particular, the writing and sourcing are solid throughout. Wish there was a free photo of him, but there is no mandate for pictures in the criteria, so the lack of an Evans image doesn't affect my position. Giants2008 (27 and counting) 22:09, 5 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks for the review YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 03:24, 13 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
His absence in the United Kingdom meant that he was a virtual unknown. - sounds like he was absent from the UK...his sojourn in the UK?
Done, it's fine YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 01:54, 8 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Are there no other details of life outside swimming? His personal life looks slim, but if there are no sources then so be it...Casliber (talk · contribs) 20:31, 7 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
True. The books of profiles on the gold medallists doesn't have anymore, and although his teammate Mark Tonelli wrote a self-published autobiography that is cited in there, doesn't seem to have kept in touch much with him, as he does mention a few other sentences on the others. Evans doesn't seem to have a presence on the internet anymore or anywhere at all YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 01:54, 8 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Otherwise looking on track. Casliber (talk · contribs) 20:31, 7 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 03:24, 13 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
I've removed it and emailed HD, who is retired YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 17:19, 13 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
No criterion three concerns. Эlcobbola talk 18:25, 13 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Second actually, as Neil Brooks passed last month and I have just started Mark Kerry with the approval of the FAC coords YellowMonkey (bananabucket!) 06:55, 14 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Comments. Some repeated patterns that could be fixed up easily to lift your style in future.  :-)

  • I've fixed the overlinking.
  • Why the flag in the infobox? It is almost indistinguishable from the NZ flag, and the country name is there too; the colour is an unfortunate distraction, and space is valuable in an infobox.
  • Please check my substitute for "non-preferred" ... I assume that's not a standard word in this field. And my "favoured to win". I couldn't cope with "the most heavily fancied teams".
  • "hosts boasted"—what Fowler called a "jingle".
Hey I should look out for rhymes YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 01:12, 15 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Check my "one" in Moscow.
  • "brashly"—possibly OK, but this is WP speaking now, is it? If it's the term used in h242, I'd be inclined to use quotes around the word.
Sourced, but not really needed YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 01:12, 15 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "made a powerful, well-timed dive"—does one "make" a dive? Consider "performed" or "executed"?
  • "did a poolside interview"—you might watch out for those dull thuds (do, make, go/went) as auxiliary verbs, whatever they call them. Consider "were interviewed at the poolside".
  • Two referent problems: "They were denied a civic reception by the Lord Mayor of the City of Perth because of his stance on Afghanistan, but the Lord Mayor of Fremantle hosted one instead". Whom does "his" refer to? "One" refers back to "a civic reception", I guess, but it's hard work for the readers. Consider "instead hosted a reception".
  • Neater way of reporting speech, which I've been on about at The Signpost:
    • He regarded his American experience as a crucial component of his development, stating "I got a good education, but above all I learned about myself". ->
    • "He regarded his American experience as a crucial component of his development: "I got a good education, but above all I learned about myself".
  • End first para in "US college career": "Evans" x 4. It's hard to flush one or two out while retaining precision of reference; I can't think of how to at the moment. BTW, I noticed you spelt out US a few times before ... but here it is abbreviated in a title. I'd be inclined to use both "US" and "UK" freely, as commonplace items.
  • "In order to"—two redundant words.
  • "In his favoured 100 m event, Evans won bronze, being led home by"—I've fixed a few of these "being"/"having" constructions, which are grammatically iffy (although not regarded as bloopers), and IMO awkward. In any case, it should be past tense here, isn't it?
  • "but were disqualified for making a premature changeover"—alarm bell should be ringing at the "making". I've just removed it ... simple fix.
  • "favourite coach"—"favoured" is useful and occurs quite a lot (even more since my edits). Is there a synonym here? And it's slightly informal, somehow, like favourite ice-cream.
There's only three for 18k of prose! YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 01:12, 15 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Did the rest and read teh tutorial comments. Many thanks YellowMonkey (vote in the Southern Stars and White Ferns supermodel photo poll) 01:12, 15 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.
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