Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Hobey Baker/archive2

Hobey Baker

Nominator(s): Kaiser matias (talk) 04:14, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Was nominated last month and didn't pass. I went over it, and feel it should be good to go this time. Early era ice hockey player, the first American star and the first American inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame (part of the inaugural class), Hobey Baker was also a prolific American football player, and is the only person in both the HHOF and the College Football Hall of Fame. Then joined the First World War, where he died hours before he was supposed to leave to go home. F. Scott Fitzgerald liked him, and included Baker in The Great Gatsby, so he's also got that going for him. Real challenging article to write because he had such a varied life. Kaiser matias (talk) 04:14, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Source review - spotchecks not done. Nikkimaria (talk) 13:51, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Missing bibliographic info for Fitzgerald 2010
Be consistent in whether shortened citations include concluding periods
Don't duplicate cited sources in External links

Concern: while the issues I've raised are not extensive, I notice that they are the exact same issues I raised at the previous review. I also note that the text is still in need of copy-editing, and that this is the only substantial edit made since the previous review. Nikkimaria (talk) 13:51, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments. As always, feel free to revert my copyediting. Please check the edit summaries. - Dank (push to talk) 19:48, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

"141st Squadron": The link is to the 141st Air Refueling Squadron, and there wasn't a lot of air refueling going on in WWI.
"before being promoted to captain and commander the 141st Squadron.": There's a word missing or wrong, and I'm not sure what it should be. Maybe just "of" after "commander". - Dank (push to talk) 19:48, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
"became one of the most well known and respected members of the city": well known and respected for what?
"Baker was known by his classmates to be an exceptionally fast skater who nevertheless remained sophisticated on the ice.": Maybe "... an exceptionally fast and sophisticated skater" or (probably) "... an exceptionally fast and agile skater"
"By the time Baker left St. Paul's his sporting achievements had helped make him one of the school's most popular students.": It's kind of damning him with faint praise to say that he was popular in high school.
"At the age of fourteen": I haven't noticed yet whether you're spelling out numbers less than ten or less than something else ... This is just a reminder to be consistent.
"Most of his former classmates recalled Baker's time at St. Paul's solely by his athletic achievements.": I'm not sure what that means. - Dank (push to talk) 23:22, 22 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
"In late 1911, Baker joined the hockey team, in addition to playing on the football team. During the football season he scored 92 points, a school record that lasted until 1974. Princeton finished the 1912 season with seven wins, one loss, and one tie in nine games. As the Princeton hockey team ...": Why hockey then football (which was covered in the preceding paragraph) then hockey?
Running through the whole article quickly, an awful lot of sentences start with "Baker". Try changing the word order in a few sentences.
"January 24, 1914": Second comma after 1914 ... also check the other dates, please.
"had been replaced by a substitute": had been substituted
"Twenty-three minutes into sudden death, a Harvard substitute player, Leverett Saltonstall, scored the winning goal. Saltonstall, who would later serve as Governor of Massachusetts and a United States Senator, would later show off the stick he used to score the winning goal.": I'd go with something like: Twenty-three minutes into sudden death, the winning goal was scored by a Harvard substitute player, Leverett Saltonstall, who went on to serve as Governor of Massachusetts and a United States Senator.
"February 28, 1914", "January 22, 1913": second commas
"As well as skill, Baker was known for his sportsmanship. In a hockey game against Harvard on January 22, 1913 Baker took the only penalty of his collegiate career, for slashing;": Baker was known for his sportsmanship; the only penalty of his collegiate career came in a hockey game against Harvard on January 22, 1913, for slashing.
"all-round": all-around is more common in AmEng per Garner's.
Except for the above, so far so good on prose, down to Post-university ... except that, when possible, you want a noun phrase for a heading rather than an adjective phrase per WP:MOSHEAD (which subsumes the rules for article titles), but this isn't a big deal. My suggestions and changes cover the requests by Malleus in the previous review, down to Post-university. - Dank (push to talk) 02:57, 23 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]
After poking around a bit to see how others handle this, I've changed the heading to Post-university years. - Dank (push to talk) 12:42, 23 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Copyscape check - No issues were revealed by Copyscape searches. Graham Colm (talk) 12:01, 23 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Please see Nikkimaria's comments and FAC instructions. Removing as premature. SandyGeorgia (Talk) 15:50, 25 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Closing note: This candidate has been withdrawn, but there may be a delay in bot processing of the close. Please see WP:FAC/ar, and leave the {{featured article candidates}} template in place on the talk page until the bot goes through. SandyGeorgia (Talk) 15:51, 25 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]