Wikipedia:Delete the main page

We've had so many discussions about redesigning the main page, we may as well throw it in the bin. Akin to being unable to decide on a colour for the walls of the downstairs loo, why buy another set of Farrow and Ball paint swabs when you can simply bomb the room out instead? It saves time and effort. It's one more set of curtains I don't have to buy. Can't argue about wallpaper colours if the walls aren't there. Below is a manifesto arguing for just that...

AfD! AfD!

1. Multiple (endless) (countless) discussions about the Main Page ([insert arguments from historical archives here][1][2][3][...][50]) have rendered themselves fruitless. Akin to squabbling with your siblings at Legoland in the middle of the summer, if we can't stop fighting over it, Jimbo will take us home early without going through the gift shop first. Can't argue over the Main Page if there isn't a Main Page to argue over.

   

   That goes for Six Flags, too. And Knott's Berry Farm.
2. We've had so many discussions about how best to direct new users around Wikipedia on the Main Page, too. Why not get rid of it? When I'm rewiring a plug socket, I make sure to test it with a fork first; by the time I've come round from the eletrocution from the live wire, I know if the power's live or if I need to put 50p in the meter. But get this; I could cut out the middleman, streamline this whole process, by simply wiring my phone directly onto the mains with no off switch. I'd never run out of charge again. By interfacing in the same way directly with Wikipedia, I'm sure we could make the same user improvements...

   

   Look, the wall's toasted like a marshmallow...that means it tastes better, right?
3. Many editors waste years of their lives bumping up their edit counters just to get a coveted spot on the list of users with the most edits. Stuff that. Did you know there's a special page for special editors who do special things to Wikipedia? By deleting the Main Page, you too could be top of your very own "look at me" list. I want my notoriety and I want it now!

   

   In fair Wikipedia, where we lay our scene. From ancient edit war break to new mutiny, Where civil edits make civil hands unclean...
4. Look. I'm not saying it gets you entry into the Cabal. But I'm not not saying it.
5. Abstinence-from-arguing-about-the-Main-Page-only education works. Wouldn't it be better to remove that temptation? If your Main Page causes you to sin, cut it out. I'm sure that's in the New Testament somewhere. Here, sign my editing purity pledge...

   

   This here editing pledge, signed by a pious Wikipedian, legally binds them from edit warring.
6. Dost thou not know that, of the main page, its very presence is promotional of that such material deleterious to one's health? Why submit ye to the Russian roulette wheel of sin and iniquity, through the Featured Article segment? Why promote ye the Did Ye Know section? Do not be deceived: Neither the readers of the articles sexually immoral, nor idolators of the Featured Picture section, nor those who partake of the "Onne Thise Daye" portion will inherit the Kingdom of Jimbo.

   

   Don't tell anybody, but I've seen the little calendar schedule the Cabal has for the Featured Picture section. I've seen good submissions of mine, such as this picture of my lunch, pushed to the back of the line, behind scandal and filth. I'm so sick of seeing sexual content right in front of my salad.
7. Hey, kid. Psst. Over here! Ssh, keep it down. Don't tell anyone, but I found this secret Gospel fragment in the Vatican archives...

Why seek ye the featured among the read ⸢articles⸣? Are not five featured articles delisted in two minutes? And not one of them is deleted and forgotten before Jimbo. Why, even the stub and the unassessed articles are counted. There is neither featured or unfeatured, listed or delisted, assessed or unassessed, for they are all one in Wikipedia.

... it's what they don't want you to know!

I'm not saying the Cabal meets in a secret chamber underneath Vatican City. But Dan Brown has to be at least a bit right...