Wikipedia:Being polite is not enough

This page in a nutshell: Some users, when confronted about their own behavior use over-the-top politeness as a defense mechanism without really addressing their own wrongdoing. It is a bad idea to let them get away with it.

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WP:NOT ENOUGH

The English Wikipedia is far and away the largest project hosted by the Wikimedia Foundation. This is unsurprising as English is spoken by people all over the world, from a variety of cultures and backgrounds. Inevitably, some people find themselves with differing opinions or or different understandings of site policies. Some users, when confronted with evidence that their behavior is out-of-step with expected norms, will seemingly go out of their way to be exceedingly polite, while at the same time failing to acknowledge or correct their problematic behavior. The worst thing about this tactic is that it actually works more often than not.

What it looks like:

I think UnreasonableButPolite is behaving badly because of <clear evidence of them doing whatever>. ReasonableSanePerson 21:54, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

ReasonableSanePerson, I'm very sorry you feel that way. I apologize if I have offended you. All the best, UnreasonableButPolite 21:54, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

I don't think this goes far enough. You say you are sorry if you offended the other user, but you don't say what you would do differently in the future and this is at least the fifth time in the last few years that <specific issue identified above> has come up. AnotherReasonableUser 21:56, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

Wow, I knew it had come up before but I wasn't aware it was so many times. <links to clear evidence that it is totally at least the fifth time>. ReasonableSanePerson 21:58, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

Again, I apologize with all humility and sincerity. All the best. UnreasonableButPolite 22:00, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

You've apologized for this exact behavior before, yet here we are again. When can we expect you to actually stop doing <the issue this is about>? AnotherReasonableUser 22:01, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

That seems like a very reasonable question and I'd also like to see what the answer is. ReasonableSanePerson 22:02, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

Please, I'm trying to assuage your concerns, but I'm not sure where all this incredible hostility is coming from. All the best. UnreasonableButPolite 22:04, 11 April 2024 (UTC)

And so on and so on. The polite tone of the unreasonable users remarks is a smokescreen, used to make them seem honest and honorable, and a victim, when in fact they are the one causing problems, and have been for some time. It is a very deliberate tactic that has been used by some of the most long-term disruptive users in the history of this project. They get a free pass again and again because some users are fooled by it and don't see that there is a complete lack of any real self-reflection from the unreasonable user.

Some users have gone farther even than this, suggesting, ever so politely, that the users asking them to stop their behavior wish them actual harm, some going so far as to compare it to being "slaughtered" or even threatening to take their own lives if it is ever brought up again. It's a sick game that only a sick person would choose to partake in.

What can be done?

This act may work for them repeatedly, perhaps over the course of years, but at some point there will be enough clear evidence that their apologies and attempts to appear contrite are just deflection from the real issue, which they have no intention of ever addressing. You don't need to pick fights with them or comment on everything they do, if they keep repeating the same problematic behavior, others will see it as well, and you'll be there to prove that their previous apologies and promises to do better were false. Escalate it if you have to, this kind of insincerity is at least as toxic as someone who is rude and dismissive, in fact it is far more insidious as it relies on other users' kindness and empathy to excuse their own bad behavior. It is emotional blackmail and needs to be called out.

What it looks like:

What can be done?

See also