User talk:Zoreltimes/sandbox

Peer Review

What an important story, and an excellent choice of topic! I notice any missing pieces in your story, and the clear separate sections made specific information easy to find. It is clearly well researched, and there is an excellent level of detail for a Wikipedia entry. Nice job!

It looks like you are making the existing entry your intro paragraph, yes? If you are I would consider incorporating the 2nd paragraph of the existing entry about notable feminists into the 2nd sentence, and moving the third paragraph about the WAA dissolving to the end of the article, and adding a little info on why if you can find it.

I think the structure overall is logical and well organized, but the sentences themselves can be long and difficult to follow. When editing I find it helpful to read the article out loud looking for sentences that make me stumble or could be made more straight forward/concise without using the passive voice. Also be careful of sentences that feel like an argument, such as “the WAA had many, many programs going on.” I think if you try to make sentences more concise then that will help make your argument have less of a persuasive feel. Also removing the passive voice will make the article have more of a factual tone, which is a goal when writing for Wikipedia. Harborporpoise (talk) 22:20, 10 November 2017 (UTC)

Review of proposed additions to WAA (from Pearson)

Your proposed additions do a great service to this wiki entry by expanding the level of detail, hence knowledge, we have about what WAA actually did. I agree with what Dinnie (Harborporpoise) said about cleaning/sharpening the prose. Shorter and more neutral sentences, active voice. I'd also like you to add which foundations supported the pre-school project as well as the dates of the other initiatives. It would be wonderful, also, if we know anything about the legacy of these projects, to add that information -- do all or most preschools now try to engage in non-sexist education? Was this in any way linked to the album Free to Be You and Me? Etc. Good start, overall, and this is going to be an important expansion of this page. Yay! Shoopee (talk) 18:13, 11 November 2017 (UTC)

Peer Review

Hi Alani!! Wow, this is great. You've clearly done so much work and research for your additions to the page, and I'm really impressed with the sheer volume of info that you were able to add. Your sections are well-defined and lend themselves to a better reader experience in that I feel like I learned things I never would have known had I just read the original article pre-your edits. I think you've done a great job choosing the important information to add -- nothing felt unnecessary and everything was really substantive. The Wiki moderators should be pleased with your work!

Echoing other reviewers, I do think your wording could be tightened up a little bit. I know this is only a first draft, but shortening sentences and getting rid of adverbs will go a long way for the content of the article. Be careful with the use of long intro phrases such as "as a result of," or "Due to..." You can often say the same thing in fewer words when you drop long opening clauses.

Other than that, i don't have many suggestions for the content itself. i think you've covered all of the substantive information, and your sourcing is thorough. Maybe just move the (6) source to the end of the quote, so that readers know exactly where the quote came from. I got a little caught up at that sentence when I was going over your sources.

Good work! Alyssa Awhistorywiki (talk) 18:11, 15 November 2017 (UTC)