User talk:Zeidan87/sandbox

Edit request at Talk:Azmi Bishara

@Zeidan87:, I've reviewed the changes you proposed and have the following critiques to offer. While I'm honestly impressed by the obvious effort you put into creating a much better draft article I have to also let you know that essentially completing a full rewrite of an article and posting an edit request for something so extensive is not likely to be successful. There's just too much information to fit into an edit request. I suggest in the future breaking the request down in to more manageable chunks. You could post the changes by paragraph or by purpose (e.g., copyediting vs. factual corrections). On to specifics, therefore:

The lead is much better but still too long. The text between "Born in Nazareth...However, after visiting Lebanon and Syria..." should all be removed. The Balad and MK positions are all in the infobox. Both the lead and the infobox are intended to summarize the article for those not likely to read the full text and duplicating between the two is not useful. As MOS:LEAD makes clear, leads should be as brief as possible.
Avoid dressing up the lead. For example, substituting "aftermath" for "wake" is an improvement but could be simpler and more neutral still and the leading "However..." is completely unnecessary. I suggest the above note and this one could be combined to: "Born in Nazareth, Bishara's political activities were question when he visited Lebanon and Syria after the 2006 Lebanon War. He left Israel after a criminal investigation for alleged treason and espionage on behalf of Hezbollah.
Denials of allegations are generally assumed and again unnecessary. "After that Bishara has fled Israel,[3][4][5] denying the allegations and refusing .." doesn't add anything. Take the references there, add them after the sentence above, and simplify to "Bishara has refused..."
Again, "established himself" is overwrought. "Bishara is currently in Qatar..." and remove "...as an academic and researcher."
And also remove "... with the aim of dedicating all his time to "writing and intellectual production" as flowery language that doesn't summarize the body text.

That's just the lead. If you wish further help on the body text, we can possibly discuss that in the future. I hope this helps. Eggishorn (talk) (contrib) 18:44, 24 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Eggishorn: Thank u for your review and helping me in that article, I really appreciate that! I have reviewed the introduction as per the above comments. Also, I have divided the article into 4 parts. Please review the introduction, and go for part 2 if it was OK. Thanks in advance.--Zeidan87 (talk) 21:49, 24 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Zeidan87:, I see you've accepted some of the suggestions above, but you've added those collapsible section breaks which are not used in any article and also added other material that reduces readability. I gather from the syntax you're using that English may not be your first language. Am I correct in that assumption? Generally speaking, a user's sandbox is for their own editing, unlike the cooperative editing of mainspace articles. I may be able to improve the new text but I would first want to know if you would object to my edits of your sandbox. Do you object if I do some copyediting? You can always use the edit history to see exactly what I've done. Eggishorn (talk) (contrib) 18:00, 25 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Eggishorn: Thank u again, actually, I have added those collapsible sections to make it easier when requesting to edit the article as per your comment. And yes, actually my first language is Arabic. Finally, yes, you can improve the text directly at my sandbox page. Thanks in advance.--Zeidan87 (talk) 19:16, 26 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Eggishorn: did u have a look at the rest of the article?--Zeidan87 (talk) 20:49, 4 March 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Zeidan87:, no, I have not yet had a chance to do anything with this. Meatspace issues have intervened. I'll try to get to it soon. Eggishorn (talk) (contrib) 17:40, 6 March 2018 (UTC)[reply]