User talk:WWB Too/Brown Mackie College

Review

This looks to me like a credible attempt to expand the article in a neutral way. The authoring editor clearly and appropriately identified a potential conflict-of-interest and has asked for feedback before moving to the main space. Would that more folks would operate this way. A couple of minor comments.

I'm a little concerned about the neutrality of "career-focused programs". I work in education, so I know what is meant here. Where I am, we make the distinction between "transfer" programs (AA and AS) and "technical" programs (AAS in X). I think "career-focused programs" is referencing the latter, but it ever-so-slightly sounds like "these programs will get you a job", which we know isn't a guarantee no matter where the degree comes from. You might consider dropping "career-focused" and just say the college offers bachelor's degrees, associate degrees, and certificates in programs such as X, Y, and Z. Clearly, the focus of those programs is getting a job in those fields. On the other hand, this is by far the mildest of my concerns, so it might be OK to leave it as-is.
"For the transition to iPads, Brown Mackie invested more than $2 million dollars in technology upgrades and training, part of which was in partnership with Apple Inc." This is the sentence that concerns me the most, particularly the word "invested". We know from present political discourse that one man's investment is another man's boondoggle. Plus, this sentence appears to be based on a quote from a Brown Mackie official in a RS, not the reporting of the RS itself. I'm not sure the sentence is all that helpful in understanding the overall encyclopedic concept of Brown Mackie, anyway. I suggest dropping at least the first part of the sentence. The fact that the transition to iPads was made in partnership with Apple could probably be salvaged and integrated into previous sentences, although some detail about the nature of said partnership would be even more helpful, if it is available.
Obviously, it would be great if we could eliminate the sourcing to the Brown Mackie and EDC web sites in favor of third-party sources, but I know, especially with educational institutions, that can be difficult.
I notice that the founders' names are in the present article, but not this revision. Were they not sourceable? Would be nice to include, if possible.

That's it. There's certainly room for expansion and added detail if it can be found, but this revision is value-added as-is. Acdixon ^{(talk · contribs)} 14:00, 15 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]