User talk:Papaya99
| This user is a student editor in University_of_Florida/Queer_Comics_(Fall_2022) . |
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Papaya99, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with Wiki Education; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:26, 23 September 2022 (UTC)
Peer Review
[edit]Hi! You’ve done a great job with your article so far! Your lead section is easy to understand, the structure of the article feels clear, neutral, and mostly balanced.
The lead could be more streamlined, you can cut or relocate a few details, especially the details that you will mention again in the career section, like where Tranny Towers was featured and the dates. Also, there might be a way to potentially combine the first two sentences so the words “transgender,” “cartoonist,” and “comics” don’t have to be repeated close together.
The personal life section gets a bit confusing and lengthy. I would hold back some details, especially if all of this information is available in the reference source. Try to keep the information that feels especially relevant to her work/education. Stuff about her parent’s divorce and what age she was when she moved doesn’t feel super relevant. I think mentioning her parent’s occupation and their divorce to contextualize her moving around a lot as a child makes sense, but keep it minimal!
Overall you’ve done a great job keeping the language neutral, but I would avoid qualifiers like “Green is extremely involved in academia” when you are already explaining she is a professor and previously was a teacher. Also, consider putting her academic work under career, although our class’s focus is queer cartoonists, her other jobs are her career, especially if she hasn’t been a career cartoonist.
Also, this goes hand in hand with my earlier suggestion to avoid qualifiers, I would avoid adverbs too. Examples of where I see this are “she has recently obtained her Master’s Degree” and “she has previously taught grade school…” You can instead put the year she received her master’s degree (if you know), if not, you can just say: “She has a master’s in XYZ.” You can also put: “She taught grade school and high school courses before becoming a professor at MCAD…”