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User talk:Oblitz1

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Clevas1 Clevas 1 Peer Review

• Great intro, a little work on transitioning (bullet 3)

• Trans* should be changed to transgender- more formal in my opinion

• Maybe talk about kyle in the first paragraph to allow introduction for the audience (you kind of jump into an example after you introduce the topic you are discussing)

• “These athletes are scared to come out as trans* because of the strict rules and regulations” [Should add- according to…. And list rules]

• Great tone… No slang

• Experience* should be experienced in last sentence (past tense)

• Very neutral, Kyle is a good example for audience to engage in

• Expand the introduction paragraph (Balance) – if Kyle is the main focus, maybe the page should focus on Kyle Allums

o Title – Kyle Allums (you can give info on his birth name, who he was before basketball, his transition, and then…. o Subtitle – Kyle alums experience in college basketball (give info from your second paragraph adding his hardships and overall studies about life as a transgender athlete in college.


Jdeeme2 (talk) 14:48, 27 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]