User talk:Notthere

Well, here it is Day one. Notthere (talk) 07:12, 29 December 2007 (UTC)

I was a teenage wanker

Is your penis (or that of your bf’s) bent noticeably to the right or left when “ready for use”?

And does it worry you or him? I did not masturbate as a young man—for religious reasons—until about 17 (with an occasional lapse). And that afterwards, I was—inevitably—like a convent-educated school girl who has just enrolled to read Political Science at New York University, and has never drunk from a glass again when a bottle could be swiped from a bar, nor said no to a romp in the hay. I have, not to put too fine a point on it, primed the pump on more than a few occasions. But then I wouldn’t be the only bastard who’s done that, would I?

I DID, however, notice when I was about 18 that when the wife’s best friend was “ready for use”, it was beginning to display a slight lean to the left (from the perspective of me gazing adoringly down upon it). I made the preliminary diagnostic hypothesis that such could well be due to the habitual procedure I was employing when “shaking hands with the unemployed” as it is technically referred to in these parts. This being before electronic calculators, I availed myself of a slide rule to figure out approximately how many individual jerks my trouser snake would have to endure as I utilized my right hand—and ONLY my right hand—to apply a throttle hold on the shaft and then subject it to 8 almost identical jerks a second for an average 4 minutes per session, with such a ritual typically repeated 6 times a day every day of the week excepting Sundays, year in and out. The result—when I had finally got it down to the nearest million—made me to give forth with a low whistle.

I am not by inclination nor skill a medical man, and of course there are excellent reasons why the advice of self-styled bush doctors and the like is not welcome in WP. But in what I now firmly hold to be a rare case of entirely accurate self-diagnosis, I concluded that would it be likely—or rather, INEVITABLE—that a sausage-shaped organ, without even the benefit of a proper bone down its length to provide it with some support, would become rather like a permanent member of the Old Communist Party – one-eyed and incapable of seeing anything even with that one eye except to squint ominously to the left.

Not only was my diagnosis correct, but I believe so was my prognosis, and no, it was not abstinence, as much as George Bush might have advised me on that score. I could have alternated hands, but somehow—and I will leave this fascinating subject for a later query—I could not properly use my LEFT hand for the job. It was as if the first hand I had used to pleasure myself in this way had been psycho-sexualised in some ways so that some tantric pathway had developed between Mrs Palmer and her five daughters on Right Street, but not so for her identical cousins on LEFT Street. What I then proposed to do was adjust the throttle hold to other kinds of holds familiar to the aficionados of the wrestling ring, and the inclination of the wrist and so on.

Well, gentle readers, in a matter of a month, I noticed with quiet satisfaction, intellectual as well as aesthetic, that my member’s physical orientation had altered, and much for the better. Now it had a kind of cork-screwed S bend shape when it stood to attention. Had it been made of steel, it would have served as a fine portable cork-screw for a decent bottle of vino. And not another 3 months had passed when it had aligned itself as straight to a plumb line as one could expect of a creation of flesh and blood. Indeed, I once again procured that slide rule, and a set square in addition, and ascertained that neither instrument could show any deviation from as perfectly straight as any medical textbook or copy book for a Life Drawing Artist could ever require. And, readers, my hair has grown a little greyer, my paunch just a trifle more pronounced, but my member is as true and straight as the most sober and Honourable Member of the most reputable House that ever swore and oath of office, and abided by it for life, and so I hope it shall ever be while I am among you in this vale of tears.

I ask if readers have similar stories, and do they find that my own account might square with their own observations? And if so, why is medical science not more attentive to such matters? Do they simply believe, as some of these medical dullards appear to, that if it can be crammed in skew-whiff any which way AT ALL , then all is well and good, and only the effete hypochondriac would dare to complain, while the doughty ones who still have sap in their pistol simply call to their spouses “It’s sausage time!” and go about the business of reproducing the next generation of patients with REAL problems. Are they like the doctor who treated John Merrick (sobriquet: the Elephant Man) prior to the physician Sir Frederick Treves, and is said to have opined, when Merrick removed his cape before him:“Well, lots of people have acne...”

In conclusion, how widespread is the problem of the Leaning Tower of Penises”. What percentage of such problems are caused, or at least exacerbated by masturbation practices? Does the dilution of the old taboos against masturbation correlate with an increase in such problems. Does it matter when masturbation begins: is the penis of a young man or boy more likely to be influenced when it is still more plastic and unformed? Do women find such organs unattractive? In pronounced cases, can they feel the lean from true within their vaginas, and does THAT bother them?