User talk:Mlstek/sandbox
Mental Illness Peer Review 1
[edit]I think you intended to include the information from Raul's sandbox here as well, so I will comment on both sandboxes in Melissa's talk section.
On the whole, this page is strong in regards to content. The section on 'Mental Illness' outlines the modern history of disproportionate incarceration rates of mentally ill persons as well as the development of mental illness/ailments while in prison. At times this distinction becomes unclear. For example, I would rework the last piece of the following sentence, so it more clearly articulates the stated prisoners had (if I'm understanding thse sentence correctly) pre-existing "mental illness" not triggered by their time in prison: "over half of all prisoners in 2005 experienced mental illness as identified by “a recent history or symptoms of a mental health problem...”
It might also be beneficial to add something at the end of this section about the intersections of mental illness with race, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Or even current movements/prison organizing work addressing the rights of the incarcerated mentally ill.
For your section on 'LGBT People,' I would maybe add a couple sentences on the larger landscape of LGBT rights in the U.S. to put into context how this then plays out in the justice system. I might take out sentences like the following, because they don't add content/their sentiments are expressed in subsequent lines: "The reasons behind these disproportionate numbers are multi-faceted and complex."
The section 'Solitary Confinement' on Raul's page is strong but sources need to be fully cited. There are a considerable number of news articles cited for statistics and qualitative measures. Maybe look up where these sources pulled their data and cite those as your references? I would link to the webpage for Injustice at Every Turn's Task Force, so readers can see where you're pulling the report from. For this section, I would also link terms like 'solitary confinement,' 'multiracial,' etc. to their respective Wikipedia pages.
Finally, for the 'Conjugal Visits' section, are you adding this to an existing section? If not, I would add a brief intro paragraph before your list explaining the meaning of Conjugal Visit and how it connects to your list of information.
Incarceration in the United States: Peer Review 2
[edit]Hey! So, yeah, first thing I think is putting these two sections together into a cohesive, single article. It seems like, Raul, your page is meant to be included within the section "LGBT people" that is currently on Melissa's page? Honestly the conjugal visit part seems a little confusing to me- how did you choose which countries to discuss and for what purpose? If this feels like important information to include then maybe a brief introduction such as "laws about conjugal visits, and their application to same sex couples, vary widely internationally." Although, honestly, the rest of the article seems to focus on the U.S. so this information seems a little out of place.
I really like the information that you all include about LGBT people in general, and that you discuss organizations that work specifically with LGBT folks who are incarcerated. I believe after the second sentence in the second paragraph (starting "Poverty"), you need to add some citations to back up your assertions that these things are experienced disproportionately. The solitary confinement piece also seems like a good place to merge your two articles. The section on Raul's sandbox needs some close editing and citing- for instance, in some places you capitalize "Transgender" and in other places you don't, and there are some other grammatical mistakes. Also this sentence: this method however only increases the harassment they receive from officers and various other staff members as reported by Injustice at every turn- First, this seems like an assertion/opinion rather than fact (even though I agree with it.) Could you change it to something that reflects it's a viewpoint, such as "Advocates for transgender prisoners argue that this method only increases blah blah blah"? Also, it's confusing, what is Injustice at every turn? Is it an org or the title of a report? And also it seems like there's a really long quote in the middle, and it's a little unclear where it ends. Is there any way that, instead of including that long quote, you could simplify/summarize some of the findings and cite the report? I really like the info that you cite, though. Also, SRLP might be a good resource to check out.
Asouc (talk) 01:20, 11 March 2015 (UTC)asouc