Peer Review of Maysjudeh’s Sandbox Article

The use of pictures was a nice touch however they felt like they lacked cohesion to each other and the article. I can understand the correlation of the swim suit model and media consumption’s effects on self-esteem, I also understand how Times Square correlates. I think they probably need better captions to tie them into the article better. For instance, “Time Square Manhattan” can be “Times Square and its Multiple Media Advertisements”, “Swim Suit Model” could be “Swim Suit Model Showcases an Ideal Figure”.
I felt that the first sentence was not as neutral as it needed to be, also there were a few grammatical errors within the entire article. Such as non-capitalized first words and spelling errors which I personally edited out for you.
I would suggest applying a more neutral approach to the article, it felt like the article was talking directly to me instead of presenting the information to me. You may want to neutralize the word “you” and “you’re” as well as anything reflective or reflexive, such as we, they, etc.
The article was promising and easy to read, but it felt like someone was talking to me about the subject directly. It needs more neutrality and a revision of the grammar within the article itself as well as removal of certain words such as “anywhere you look”, “something”, “making ourselves second guess how we look”, etc. these need some editing to become more precise or induce neutrality.
Finally, there are no citations nor a reference section, both would be useful. Looking forward to your revisions!

Arios1794 (talk) 20:10, 18 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Article section grammatically edited by Arios1794 (talk) 20:10, 18 October 2017 (UTC)

Anywhere you look nowadays there's an advertisement for something. Whether you're on social media just scrolling through your time line, in the back of a yellow cab looking at the monitor, or just simple taking a stroll down time square advertisements are everywhere! If you pay attention closely to the advertisements on TV, magazines, and newspapers you will realize that often companies use these unrealistically thin models with perfect bone structure and skin to help sell their products. The problem with this method of advertisement is that the more we see it (especially the younger generations) the more it creates in our minds an unrealistic goal of what we should look like. For women they sell you that being a size zero and having long legs as the only form of beautiful and for men they sell you the notion that having big biceps and zero body fat covering your six pack as the "the ladies’ man". We consume media so much that these unrealistic ideal figures we see is what we set for ourselves and others as "the goal". This in turn starts making ourselves second guess how we look or think twice before wearing our favorite clothes because "it makes us look fat". Ask yourself, where do we get this notion of what "looking fat" look like? You might not realize it but the media we have been seeing for years since media started is what gave us these images. We weren't born knowing or even thinking about what "perfect" looks like that image is drilled into our minds while we watch commercials on TV and when we see a magazine cover at a news stand. now it’s even harder than before to escape these images because of all the social media platforms we have access to.