User talk:Lhemmingson/sandbox
Overall, I thought that your introduction paragraph contained several great points and connections, but needs to be expanded upon. Perhaps add information on where the bronze discus was found, when it was found, which types of sports used bronze discuses, why did he dedicate a discus rather than the figurines that were commonly used as anathema, etc. Also, there are some holes in your information; for example, in the second "paragraph" you mentioned that the bronze discus hinted that Asclepiads had money since bronze had to be imported. Perhaps add where the bronze came from. Most importantly, you are missing some very basic information about the bronze discus; e.g., its dimensions, a description of any types of designs or shapes on the discus, and a time frame for when discuses were used in Greece. As for any grammatical/clarity issues, just make sure not to use an excessive amount of commas (something I'm very prone to doing) and perhaps flip the first and second sentences around so that your article begins with the exact bronze discus the article is about, rather than just bronze discuses in general. (By the way, I noticed that in your last sentence you meant to say that the artifact has remained "intact," but you said "in tack." I'm sure that was just a silly little mistake though). For the bibliography, I had the same issue since my article is also on a very specific object. I found that going to the William and Mary library website and searching under "all" instead of just books was extremely helpful. (Bonus: you don't even have to leave your dorm room because most of the articles in the library are available online). Gabriella.L (talk) 21:16, 2 November 2017 (UTC)
Another small thing I noticed in addition to the "in tack" that Gabriella pointed out is in the last sentence of the first paragraph, I think you are missing a verb in the phrase "and that Asklepiades in the 265th Olympiad." Gabrielle gave some good suggestions for expanding the article, but you can also figure out which museum the object is located in (I would bet the museum of the ancient olympic games in Olympia) to find some more information. Also you can try to find information on athletic dedications as a whole as well. Kaylauer520 (talk) 05:07, 27 November 2017 (UTC)
Comments from Prof. Paga
[edit]Hi Lucas - this is a good start to your article! You have some excellent suggestions from your peer-reviewer and I would encourage you to address/answer them all. You also have some good suggestions from your TF. Here are some comments of my own.
- Make sure to divide your article into a lead (introductory) paragraph, and then sections. For instance, you could have a section on "Description" where you include details about the actual object, a section on "Function" where you discuss the function of an actual discus in ancient athletics, plus the function of this one specifically as a votive dedication (not a practical discus, but a special votive one).
- Adding more sections will also allow you to integrate more citations. In addition to our textbook, there are several books on reserve at Swem - some of these might help you find more information about discus athletic events, other athletic dedications, etc.