User talk:Lazz0585/Illinois Club Baseball
Hi
from joe
[edit]Chris --
Excellent revisions to this so far.
I have some remarks:
- "student run organization" - hyphenate student-run - compound adjective - to avoid ambiguity
- "continues to prove itself to any doubters and supporters with every game played." - Not neutral. Too much bravado. State something factual about the record without getting into evaluation. If a controversy or problem faces the team (e.g., in terms of official school support, or lack of fans, or some other problem), you can mention this issue as a fact. But stop with the proud praise. I am glad that your team has such an enthusiastic player as yourself. I am glad that you feel such loyalty, and that you can't stop yourself from saying how great your team is. You are definitely the kind of person I would want on my team. But right now you need to write not as a team member but as an encyclopedia editor. NO BIAS! :-)
- "for students that love to play baseball but weren't able to play varsity" -- for students who love(d) to play baseball but (aren't/weren't)
- In general I think you include too much minutiae, and you tend towards story telling more than definition style. Also, you rely too much on personal knowledge. Wikipedia is not a place for "original research". For instance, when you say "They made it to Toledo not knowing what to expect from the other teams," you are revealing the personal state of mind of the team. This is not objective. It also strikes me as too much detail. You can put personal insights and details like this on your own weblog, but not here. Reduce it to more facts, less color commentary.
- Time. It would not hurt to reiterate the dates that you are talking about occasionally. Once a reader scrolls down from the section heading, it is no longer obvious which season you are talking about.
- Headings -- You could write headings that are more precise and descriptive. "History" and "Current and Future Situation" are abstract and general. I don't know what the section on the NCBA is doing here, unless you intend to make a separate page about that (which I think we talked about but I don't remember clearly).
- Your sentence style is still verbose. You would learn something by trying to cut down on words used. Your revisions to the opening paragraph were excellent.