User talk:Lalalua
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Lalalua, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Adam and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:51, 31 January 2017 (UTC)
Christopher Clark's Peer Review
[edit]1) Right off the bat, I like what you did to the opening sentence. The addition of the Under-Five rate really bolsters the introduction and outlines the severity of the issue. Great use of a citation to end the opening paragraph as well.
2) Very strong addition to the end of the opening section, the citation once again helps bring together the opening statements and points the reader in the right direction. It becomes more apparent that we have a problem with infant mortality rates in locations with poor environmental and social infrastructure.
3) In general your edits to the first few sections of the article are extremely well done, and your citations help to support the article but...
Jumping straight to the point, the African-American infant mortality section was incredibly well written and was exactly what this article needed in terms of our class context. Although it may be a little out of the scope of the article, I think it would be useful to mention the difference in mortality rates among Black and White citizens. As mentioned in class, there is a whopping 10-12 year life expectancy difference that should definitely be mentioned in this context. While infant mortality is surely a major issue, I believe this 10-12 years is a staggering number that is worth mentioning. Csamc (talk) 17:45, 9 March 2017 (UTC)
Malcolm Jones' Peer Review
[edit]Solid addition to the article. Recognizing the lack of information concerning the dismal situation of African-American women infant mortality rates was a really important add in order to tell the full story of this article. Strong use of sources and statistics to show that this wasn't just a minority concern, but a significant black minority concern. Highlighting the fact that stress is what plays a major factor in the poor IMR really elevates the discussion from what most people would have muddled down to just being a result of lesser socio-economic status. Not only does it provide more insight into the lives of African-American women, but it provides a new way to look at the problem as a whole regardless of color. While I did like the piece on smoking, I found it a bit confusing as the information you present and the messages in the paragraph seem to clash.
"Cigarette smoking has always been seen as a cause of low birth weights and fetal developmental issues, however, it is possible due to a study done by Newton and Hunt cigarettes, while incredibly harmful to the human body, may not be core reason for pregnancy issues. People generally smoke due to stress, and therefore stress could in fact be the other complications. This study was not entirely conclusive, but it did show that cigarette smoking had a strong effect on the stress of the fetus"
1) The first sentence is a bit odd with "has always been seen as a cause of low birth weights.." , while I understand the intention, potentially some different wording could better highlight the message you're trying to get across. As, I don't think you're trying to dispute that smoking could still contribute to those problems, yet the way the sentence is worded makes it seems that way.
2) On the last two sentences, the first doesn't really have a coherent thought/inference. Guessing it was just a brain moving faster than hands incident and you accidentally left out something. The last sentence could be hard on the reader due to lack of medical understanding. I don't know if this phrase was intentional, but I don't understand what "cigarette smoking had a strong effect on the stress of the fetus" means. I assume it's negative, but simplifying the idea or elaborating on what the study found the effects to be could help.
Overall, great contribution. Really had to nitpick to find somewhere I felt I could help. jonesmal (talk) 22:16, 9 March 2017 (UTC)