User talk:Khgsu/sandbox

Hey!

You edits look like a great addition to the article that already exists! Great job on that! There is a couple of things I could suggest, I hope it could help improve it all a little:

In the PAKISTAN section, there is a phrase where "the" is repeated twice - I think it's a misprint, so it would be great if you could proofread all your edits one more time just to make sure it's al go for posting it live when you are ready.

In the second half of the PAKISTAN section you start off with the school attack and then explain how it it related to the refugees. I would think that it might be a little better of a connection if you could start the paragraph off with stating the attitudes to Afghan refugees and then following up with the explanation of what led to such attitudes. It just felt like a jump cut to the attack after the refugee stats and general description. So I would try to think how to connect it a little smoother.

Another thing that you could do in the same section paragraph is separate the exodus of the refugees into a separate paragraph as it feels like it's another line of thought already, though still alighted with the general theme of the refugeehood.

As for the IRAN section, I would make the employment theme a separate paragraph too since it's another line of thought in the body of the section. The same goes for the part where you start talking about the cities - it is still another line of thought.

As for the INTERNATIONAL AID portion of the edits - I would think you are still working on drafting it.

Way to go!

AVM SIB (talk) 20:34, 26 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Hey K,

As A said, I think you added meaningful and unbiased content and overall, the article is coming together nicely.

My comments:

In the section on Pakistan where it reads that 1.5 million "were" reported to be living in Pakistan..., I would include the year that was reported instead of relying on the citation as the initial author did. I think the year was 2006? I would also add the year at the end of "December 31" and "September" in the section regarding the offering of legal status and prohibitions.

I would also change the number from .8 million to 800,000 just for style purposes.

I also wanted to know more about internal displacement in Afghanistan. You may still be working on this section. I think it would balance out the article.

I think you are still working on some of this so I look forward to reading future edits.

Lesley — Preceding unsigned comment added by Lkelleygsu (talk • contribs) 23:13, 26 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

A and Lesley, I will address these points in my article.

The points about the Iran section were especially helpful and brought to my attention points that I had not noticed before. I am in the process of working on all of your suggestions: I will have a better lead-in paragraph or sentence for each section. I will also separate paragraphs for each issue that needs it. I will also work to improve the grammar as well as the citations for the existing article sections. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Khgsu (talk • contribs) 16:46, 3 March 2017 (UTC)[reply]