User talk:Kdatist/sandbox

Feedback

@Kdatist: Nice work on your draft. Some feedback:

• The Headwall was first run by two Dartmouth men - the phrase "Dartmouth men" seems archaic and elitist. "Students", "alumni" or "graduates" are far more neutral terms that could be applied to the students of any school
• challenge their skills is somewhat flowery language. More straightforward phrasing is better because it tends to depend less on specific shared cultural context and is more accessible for readers who are less fluent in English.
• Indeed, only a week later... - words like "indeed" and "only" (in this context) are the kinds of things that Wikipedians consider editorial insertions/opinions that should be avoided.
• The 1939 American Inferno is especially remembered for Toni Matt's split-second decision - again, this sort of phrasing is a bit too "interesting" for an encyclopedia article.
• With respect to the quote, make sure that everything you quote is essential. A quote like this is a copyright infringement, so you should make sure that it's a justifiable infringement. The longer the quote the higher the bar.

Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 11:42, 16 July 2019 (UTC)