User talk:Jordynh
| This user is a student editor in Indiana_University,_Bloomington/Representation_and_the_Body_(Spring_2018) . |
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Jordynh, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Shalor and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:10, 16 January 2018 (UTC)
Peer Review of Islamic Feminism
[edit]Hi, Jordyn!
I'm going to try to follow this structure from the quiz:
First, what does the article do well? Is there anything from your review that impressed you? Any turn of phrase that described the subject in a clear way?
- I really like how you are connecting the veil in Islam to the veil in other religions! It's important to recognize the emphasis of modesty in all religions.
What changes would you suggest the author apply to the article? Why would those changes be an improvement?
- A few nitpiky things:
- Citation at the end of this sentence: "...brings up the political divide between Jews and Muslims." even though you mention the Title and the Author in the sentence, more information should be available.
- Verb choice: "...Wegdan Hamza, was intrigued to find out the large appeal..." --> try "Hamza, was intrigued to discover the large appeal..." ("find out" just reads like you're going to say "Hamza was intrigued to find out that many women were interested in her clothing..." but you're just trying to point to Jewish women's interest in modern clothes.
- This sentence also needs a proper citation: "...she sees head covering as “a link between all the Holy religions” which can further help to “reduce anger between mankind” (84)"
- This sentence is kind of confusing: "The “tichel” is compared to the muslim “hijab” in Judaism, which is Yiddish for headscarf" --> try "The 'tichel,' Yiddish for headscarf (citation), is the Jewish counterpart to the Muslim 'hijab.'"
- This phrase could also use restructuring: "While they are called many different things in both Judaism and Islamic religions..." --> try "While headscarfs are called many different things in Jewish and Muslim religions..." OR "While headscarfs are called many different things is Judaism and Islam..." (this will make the syntax more consistent, also identifies what "they" are)
What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article?
- Cite more! You have lots of quotes but only one citation at the end of the paragraph. It's always better to over cite in my opinion--even if it's all from one source.
Did you notice anything about the article you reviewed that could be applicable to your own article? Let them know!
- I don't think so! Great work though!
Msoposky (talk) 22:45, 28 February 2018 (UTC)
Peer Review of Jordyn's contribution to Islamic feminism: I agree with Markie, I think the discussion of Muslim codes of modest dress like the hijab in relation to other religions is an interesting connection point and addition to the dress code section. I would also second the point about citing more — as I learned from the critique I got from the Wiki advisor Shalor, paraphrasing is a real tricky trap in terms of Wikipedia plagiarism rules — so try and cite even sentences that appear as an initial general transition (like your first sentence.) Lastly, I'd be interested to hear a few examples of the clothing Hamza noticed were popular among her Jewish clients. Lizmeuser (talk) 21:54, 1 March 2018 (UTC)
I agree with what is being said above! I too have trouble with citing my sources without it looking like I'm plagiarizing someone else's work. A great addition to your part of the article would be pictures. I am not sure how pictures could be uploaded, but adding pictures as a visual would help readers see how Hamza's modern clothing affected these religions. Chilogan (talk) 01:08, 2 March 2018 (UTC)