User talk:Jed11134
| This user is a student editor in West_Virginia_University/Technical_Writing_(Spring_2021) . |
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[edit]Hello, Jed11134, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with Wiki Education; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 14:32, 2 February 2021 (UTC)
Peer Review
[edit]The article that I have chosen to edit is about Rhonda Childress https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhonda_Childress#cite_note-:0-1. Rhonda is a well accomplished woman involved in STEM and helping other women and minorities advance their career in the science and technology industry. The article is about her early life, career, accomplishments, and awards.
So far I have focused my editing on updating the sources in the article. Wikipedia has flagged this article as one in need of sources from news, newspapers, books, and scholar. I have noticed that a few of the sources either do not work entirely or take you to the general home page for a website (link 4). There are also some sentences that seem wordy and long that can be reduced into much shorter sentences. With updating of the sources that requires me to ensure that the old information provided is true and included in the new sources or must be taken out due not being able to be referenced anywhere.
The part that seems to need the most revision ,in my opinion, is the awards section as it mainly references a link (link 6) that does not work.
What do you think? I am happy to hear any suggestions and hope you some opinions yourself of what can improve this article.Jed11134 (talk) 04:26, 24 February 2021 (UTC)
- Not sure if you can view my sandbox but here link so you can view the editing I have made so far under the Awards section https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Jed11134/sandboxJed11134 (talk) 16:15, 24 February 2021 (UTC)
- @Jed11134: Hi Jed, Dr. Sarraf here. Can you share here a sentence that you think is wordy and how you want to revise it? Also, have you found another source for the Awards section? I noticed that no one is posting on the article's talk page. I suggest you go ahead and start a conversation there, too. KjessJKT (talk) 16:04, 25 February 2021 (UTC)
Original- A few years later in 2016, she was honored by The Society of Women Engineers for her individual contributions with helping teach women around her through her volunteer work at IBM Cyber Day for Girls and gave her the Spark Award Edited- Two years later in 2016, she was honored by The Society of Women Engineers and selected for the Spark Award for her individual contributions of mentoring women through her volunteer work. ( I couldn't verify that Rhonda was selected for the award because she volunteered at IBM Cyber Day for Girls so I removed that portion)
These are some new sources I have looked into. I also have two more sources not listed that are news articles but are not super informative. https://www.witi.com/halloffame/283629/Rhonda-Childress-Vice-President-and-IBM-Fellow---GTS-Data-Security-and-Privacy-Officer-IBM/ https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/meet-the-2018-women-in-technology-hall-of-fame-inductees-300644323.html
- @Jed11134: I think your proposed edits will help the article be more credible. An additional edit I would suggest would be to change the wording in the sentence: "Later in her college career she started her work at General Motors where she received her first opportunity to work on new inventions that hadn't been done before.[4]" Like the sentence you mentioned, it is wordy and clunky. There is also a redundancy at the end that can be removed to increase readability ("new inventions that hadn't been done before.") However, I do agree that the bulk of changes need to be cleaning up the links. TheEffect1776 (talk) 18:27, 25 February 2021 (UTC)