User talk:James Flavio Ortiz/sandbox

First off, I think this is section of animals in Islamic art is a really good contribution to the overall page. You provide good content and examples, however there are minor errors in the overall structure and grammar. In your first sentence you end with "of course this is dependent on the context..." I think you should make this its own statement or move it somewhere else in the article as that placement does not seem necessary or strengthen your writing. In your third sentence starting with "Examples of the depictions of animals..." you should drop the "as well" at the end as you have not yet introduced any specific forms of art before that. A suggestion I have, but is not 100% necessary is to add an example of a work with lions in the context you are discussing at the end of the first paragraph.

The statement "The three past links show a tie between all three" does not seem necessary. If anything it made it more confusing. If you want a transition sentence there I think you should change that entirely or simply take it out.

In the first sentence of the second paragraph you say "often" twice which is slightly redundant. I would suggest removing the first "often" for a smoother sentence.

In the third paragraph you say "maybe an overarching motif" which should be changed to "may be" as two separate words or I suggest changing to "this example can serve as an overarching motive" to make it a stronger statement and help demonstrate the purpose that you are describing. You also mention the following images which for the purpose of the Wikipedia page is unclear. I suggest labeling the images as Figure 1 and Figure 2 so you can reference them specifically in the article. This will make it clear as to which image you are discussing. I also recommend adding the images identifications under them.

In the second to last paragraph you end with "there is an odd 'meta'" which sounds like you forming an opinion on the topic with the use of "odd". You should stay away from that. I highly recommend changing the wording so it is more of a factual observation rather than an opinionated statement.

Finally, I suggest removing the first person from this article. You are writing to the general public as one of many authors for this page therefore that is not necessary.

— Preceding unsigned comment added by JennMiddaugh (talk • contribs)

Prof. Neumeier comments

Hi James, a few comments:

--First off, I can see that you attended to your peer reviewer's careful comments with an equal degree of care, so I appreciate that.

--Overall, you need to look into your existing citations (see below), and add some more. The assignment guidelines recommend adding 4-5 scholarly sources. If you need more help, look at the publications listed for Khirbat al-Mafjar at Archnet, like this one (https://archnet.org/sites/4136/publications/4858) or this one (https://archnet.org/sites/4136/publications/3413)

--Citations 1 & 3 need to be fixed, it just takes you to the TU portal, the link doesn't work and I do not understand what source you are citing: "Shibboleth Authentication Request"...

--you could put a hyperlink to the Wikipedia article on "Arabesque"

--Remove the references to figure 1, 2, etc. (I know your peer reviewer suggested this, but Wikipedia doesn't use these). If you want to make a specific reference to an object, you can write "In many instances we can find these adorsed or flanking animals surrounding a tree, like in the well-known mosaic found at the Umayyad palace of Khirbat al-Mafjar."

--I do not mean to question your abilities to read German, but I am scratching my head about citation 2, how did you access that material? I also don't see how it could contain the information you cite, it seems to be a book about Arabic grammar. And that specific information is found on pages 123–314? Anyway, you should probably look into fixing this.

--consider adding an image of an ivory casket from Wikipdia commons

And some edits to your text:

--"Lions are a reoccurring" (recurring instead, spelling)

--"A very conscious, self-referential artistic act." (not a complete sentence, fix)

— Preceding unsigned comment added by E Neumeier (talk • contribs)