User talk:Harleiquill/sandbox

Grammar

I noticed a couple minor redundancies in some sentences.

"Throughout the city's history there have been times of economic growth and development, stagnation, and decline" change 'growth and development' to 'growth, development' for ease of reading

"Camden has seen a decrease in this number since restructuring their police force structure" //remove structure

Some of the important parts of American history that echo through the pages of Camden history include the changes of gender roles in factories as the war pulled men overseas, the changes of the minority demographics as the civil war moved slavery out of the norm and civil rights changed the face of segregation, and the impact of immigration on the populations that settled here and how they grouped together as families and ethnicity groups." Run-on sentence

"Some major changes that have created economic decline revolve around the history of major employers and their interaction with the local population, the changes war brought to the United States over the decades, changes in the crime rates, and the changing face of population demographics." A little bit run-on, I think you should end the sentence at local population. Then talk about war (be more specific with which wars) (or not its the intro), and how that effected industry and population.

"Revitalization projects have been met with limited success." Should be moved to the following paragraph.

"While the city is in a state of decline currently, there is a strong history of cultural growth that includes a location that was once a stop on the Underground Railroad", what kind of decline? the only mention of decline has been crime rate. I think this could be more organized or useful as a subhead of important cultural landmarks.

"In more recent years the development of groups like Camden Rising have helped define the city’s population as a more growth-focused group than the fractured ethnic neighborhoods of the past." I like this passage but it feels a little not neutral, I think you could say Camden Rising is a group that focuses on growth, community, and unification which has contrasted moments in Camden History.

"As the former home of many manufacturing companies, Camden has had a major impact on the history of the county, state, and country from its location across from Philadelphia. This impact is such that it has defined itself as a city in its own right and not just a suburb of the larger Pennsylvania city that sits next to it."

You mention Philadelphia twice which feels unnecessary. I think this is a nice outro paragraph but a little bit longwinded to say that Camden has had important historical, cultural, and social contributions to America and its neighboring cities. I also like how you give specifics about Camden history. MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:08, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

Citations

Citations are needed I marked all locations with needed MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:18, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

Neutrality

"hotbed of crime"

"decline" mentioned without fleshed out description

MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:20, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

Structure

"The City of Camden has gone through a varied history that starts with the introduction of Quakers into the native Lenape population. Throughout the city's history there have been times of economic growth and development, stagnation, and decline. " Harsh jump between sentences, I think you should flesh each of these topics out a little more and order them sequentially, Lenape to industry to modern, etc. MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:21, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

Independant Conclusion

"Once a hotbed of crime, Camden has seen a decrease in this number since restructuring their police force structure. " unless you have a source MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:23, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

Citation

As the former home of many manufacturing companies, Camden has had a major impact on the history of the county, state, and country. This impact is such that it has defined itself as a city in its own right and not just a suburb of the larger Philadelphia, which is located just across the Delaware River to the west. Some of the important parts of American history that echo through the pages of Camden history include: the changes of gender roles in factories as the war pulled men overseas; the changes of the minority demographics as the civil war moved slavery out of the norm and civil rights changed the face of segregation; and the impact of immigration on the populations that settled here and how they grouped together as families and ethnicity groups.

I would add page numbers for these citations if possible. Also try to frame the sentence as who is claiming this opinion rather than it's just a general statement that all agree with. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 19:07, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Philanthropy

"Camden was once a thriving industrialized city home to the RCA Victor, Campbell Soup Company and containing one of the largest shipping companies. Camden's decline stemmed from the lack in jobs once these companies moved overseas. Many of Camden's non-profit organizations emerged during the 1900s when the city suffered a large decline in jobs which affected the city's growth and population. These organizations are located in all Camden sub-sections and offer free services to all city residents in an attempt to combat poverty and aid low income families. The services offered range from preventive health care, homeless shelters, early childhood education, to home ownership and restoration services. Nonprofits in Camden strive to assist Camden residents in need of all ages, from children to the elderly. Each nonprofit organization in Camden has an impact on the community with specific goals and services. These organizations survive through donations, partnerships, and fundraising. Volunteers are needed at many of these organizations to assist with various programs and duties. Camden's nonprofits also focus on development, prevention, and revitalization of the community. Nonprofit organizations serve as resources for the homeless, unemployed, or financially insufficient.^{[citation needed]" I think this whole paragraph can go, it is a helpful introduction however it is completely unsourced and names no organizations. It is based in truth however other sections on the wikipedia mention the same exact phenomenon.} MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:13, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Citiation

Throughout the city's history there have been times of economic growth and development; as well as stagnation and decline.

This sentence needs a citation! Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 18:52, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Thanks! I put those in, I appreciate the reminder! Harleiquill (talk) 18:45, 24 April 2024 (UTC)

Grammar

The construction of the Ben Franklin bridge

I think bridge needs to be capitalized.

Some of the important parts of American history that echo through the pages of Camden history include: the changes of gender roles in factories as the war pulled men overseas; the changes of the minority demographics as the civil war moved slavery out of the norm and civil rights changed the face of segregation;

Civil War should be capitalized.

Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 19:03, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Thanks! I fixed these things! Harleiquill (talk) 18:44, 24 April 2024 (UTC)

Wording/Style

Some of the important parts of American history that echo through the pages of Camden history include: the changes of gender roles in factories as the war pulled men overseas; the changes of the minority demographics as the civil war moved slavery out of the norm and civil rights changed the face of segregation; and the impact of immigration on the populations that settled here and how they grouped together as families and ethnicity groups.

The style of this sentence is a little too poetic for Wikipedia. Using the word parallel or mirror might work better. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 19:08, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Thanks! I fixed this! Harleiquill (talk) 18:42, 24 April 2024 (UTC)

Wording

There is a rich history of cultural growth that includes a location that was once a stop on the Underground Railroad located at the Macedonia African Methodist Episcopal Church,

The word rich could be better replaced with extensive or expansive. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 19:12, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Thanks! I fixed this! Harleiquill (talk) 18:43, 24 April 2024 (UTC)

Wording/Style

In recent years the development of groups like Camden Rising - now named Camden Invincible - are working in the community for change.

I think you should describe or give an example of the changes that Camden Invincible has made. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 19:17, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Neutrality of Language

I think this intro is as neutral as it can be, given the topics being discussed. Keep up the great work! Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 03:26, 24 April 2024 (UTC)