User talk:Foyaboj
| This user is a student editor in Edinboro_University/NURS851_(Fall_2918) . |
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Foyaboj, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 13:42, 10 September 2018 (UTC)
Reply
[edit]Hi. I see that you've got two drafts in your sandbox, but I'm not sure what you're planning to do with them. Can you explain what your goals are?
Some feedback on what you've done
- Homelessness: A charged mobile phone could improve health
Wikipedia articles are about things nouns like homelessness, cell phones, healthcare. Generally speaking a Wikipedia article start with something like
Article title is...
If you can't succinctly express your topic in this form, there's a good chance you're on the wrong track. They should describe what reliable sources say about the topic, not advocate for a particular point of view. This information might be useful in an article related to homelessness, but shouldn't a stand-alone article.
Public charging stations (limited in many states) operated by "ChargeItSpot"
- Wikipedia is an international encyclopedia; you can't say "many states" without specifying what country you're talking about. Similarly, if you're talking about something like homelessness that's an issue around the world, you shouldn't just add information about the US.
- You also shouldn't be promoting individual companies by "ChargeItSpot", and if you do write about the impact of individual companies, you need to rely on independent secondary sources.
You need to be careful about tone - remember that you're writing an encyclopedia article. For example
In 1997, Weingart Center opened its Access Center broadening its reach with a wide range of other social services such as HIV and STD testing, veteran services and referrals. In October 2009, Weingart Center opened the Center for Community Health providing health care, dental, optometry and mental health services to low-income and homeless men and women.
- "broadening its reach" - this is the kind of language that marketing people use. "Reach" is a verb, not a noun, and the clinic added new services, it didn't make anything wider.
- "a wide range of other social services such as HIV and STD testing, veteran services and referrals" - again, this is marketing language. You can describe the additional services offered, but "a wide range" really doesn't convey more information. "Additional services...including..." is simple, and gets the point across. A "wide range" doesn't convey any specific information to the reader, so there's no reason to include it.
Similarly, "challenging" is just a euphemism for "difficult". "Insurance issues" is another euphemism, and it also relies on insider knowledge to understand it. The "issue" is that a lot of homeless people are uninsured, but even that might require either further clarification or a link to the health insurance in the United States article. After all, the health insurance situation in the US is likely to be nearly incomprehensible to people in most of the world. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 16:43, 21 September 2018 (UTC)