User talk:Evelyn y/sandbox

Hillman's peer review of Evelyn:

Structure:It is good to have a layout for your writing, but there are space for improvement for this structure. First, the introduction is supposed to be concise and have a brief image on the artist. Apparently the first three paragraphs have done much more than introduction, but more into his life, career and style. I believe you can elaborate more in the following sections. Also,the idea of biography has covered all what you are going say next, so a better idea is to delete it and go direct into his personal life. In the Artworks and Styles section, there might cause a confusion in saying early life, which indicate back to his personal life. A better choice might be in accordance with next points as saying "early period". You can also talk about his apprentice period when he had not formed a style, and how he achieved his reputation afterwards.

Citation:There is a lack of citation in first three paragraphs. It would be a better way to keep track of reference when you finish a sentence or paragraph. Words without citations are risky and not convincing, but I appreciate the external links you put on some terms that we can click on for more information.

It is good to see that you have laid out the structure for this entry. Just wondering where are the citations and what books/papers are you referring? — Preceding unsigned comment added by Atsushi Hu (talk • contribs) 06:24, 2 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your feedback! I edited the reference section and cited more in the first three paragraphs as you suggested. Also, I summarized the introduction to a more concise one. In addition, I changed the sub-title "early life" to "early period". Evelyn y (talk) 02:25, 27 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Atsushi Hu

1The sections under the title Francesco Bonsignori as well as Biography appear to me that both should actually be the content of the lead section, which is non-existence in your article.
There are quite a few mistakes (such as the first 2 sentences of “Apprenticeship under Liberale da Verona”, and Last Supper should probably be capitalized).
If one looks at the content table, one can find out that the structure appears weird. The sections were numbered as “1.1, 1.2, 1.3…” instead of going down the list “1, 2, 3”. You should probably going to re-structure the entry.
Just wondering how do you organize the list of major works? Maybe you may organise the list of major works in chronological order?
Where is your reference? — Preceding unsigned comment added by Atsushi Hu (talk • contribs) 12:51, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the feedback! I organized Bonsignori's artworks in a geographic order, which I found useful for the readers to follow if they want to visit those museums where Bonsignori's works are preserved. (Chronological order is also a good idea, however Bonsignori has a 13 years-long undocumented period, so the production date of few artworks are unknown.) Also, I added my reference now! Evelyn y (talk) 02:25, 27 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]