User talk:Eec34/sandbox
Violence against women draft
[edit]Hi Erin,
Nice job! I took a look at your first paragraph, here are some things that I saw:
- The fist thing I wondered was whether your focus in on US-based college athletic gender violence? If so, make that clear. If not, try to include examples and references from outside the US.
- Equally important, since you are proposing to include this in an article about violence against women, your should writing should address gender as well as violence. Currently, your first paragraph says nothing concrete about gender. You talk about male student athletes who use violence, college incidents of violence committed by athletes, and athletes that use sexual violence, but you do not talk about the subject of the article, which is violence against women. Can you connect domestic violence, sexual assault, "simple" assault and violence committed by men to the topic of violence against women? Even if you intend to cover the subject in the subcategory paragraphs, it is important that you your introductory paragraph cover the entire topic.
- You mention that gender-based violence in college athletics "is now" considered a problem within the community of college athletics. Was it not before? If so, at what date did it become considered a problem?
- The grammar in your second sentence suggests that the UVA lacrosse event and the U of Colorado Football event are studies, when the words you use, "scandal" and "murder", suggest that they are not studies.
- I'm not sure "at risk" is the best wording for a group of people that are using violence. What are they risking? You may want to change your wording.
- In your fourth sentence, It is not clear of what population male student athletes make 3.3%. You may also have intended to include a comma after the word "athletes." Also, you have a word missing after "domestic violence:" 35% of domestic violence what? incidents maybe?
- You may want to begin your last sentence with "The theories that surround [interpret maybe?] these statistics range from the..." Also, while it is useful to present a range, since this is an encyclopedia and not an argumentative paper, you may want to simply make as statement as to which theory the statistics best support.
- you can remove the space between footnotes (after the second sentence) if you prefer.
Again, nice job. I'm sorry I don't have time just go over the rest of it. Dkreisst (talk) 23:11, 14 March 2012 (UTC)