User talk:Ebasterf/sandbox

Article looks good! Possibly reword the last sentence in the first paragraph of "personal life" if your references have titles, possibly add them in. Or if they have been used multiple times and it shows up as letters to reference where they were used instead, just ignore this. When you mention that he played for the greyhound, maybe add in what the grey hounds are for those unfamiliar with the OHL. Finally, mix in some links to relevant pages to really bring it together.

Hope this helped! Harris25 (talk) 21:57, 30 March 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Hi! I was looking at your draft and it looks good so far. I have some suggestions, though:

Be careful of how you phrase things, as some things can sound promotional even though this wasn't your intention. The phrase that stood out was this one:

"When Darren Zack is not playing softball, he is a quiet-natured man who shares his passion and dreams with Aboriginal people across the world. Darren Zack is proud of his Aboriginal heritage and has been a resident of the Garden River First Nation Reserve for most of his life, where he currently resides with his wife, Charlotte and their children"

This comes across as a bit promotional because of the way it's phrased. Words like "passion" and "dreams" tend to be seen as marketing buzz words on Wikipedia, so try to avoid things like that. A good way to rephrase this would be something like this:

"Zack lives on the Garden River First Nation Reserve with his wife Charlotte and their children. He is also an advocate for the advancement of Aboriginal people and frequently speaks with them to encourage both their future growth and for the preservation of their heritage."

This gets the same point across, but is a little more neutrally written. Another thing I noted is that your sourcing is a little slim. Notability won't be an issue, but I'd add another 1-3 sourcing just to be on the safe side, as sometimes Wikipedia can be a little cautious about biographies of living people. Other than that, this looks very good! Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:26, 18 April 2017 (UTC)[reply]