User talk:Dlajoie
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Dlajoie, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Adam and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 22:24, 26 January 2017 (UTC)
Peer Review by Melissa Deneau
[edit]Here are minor edits:
- Under the section, "White House incident and police response" I think "plain clothes" sounds a bit strange. I suggest saying "non-uniformed". You use this term a few times in the paragraph, so be sure to fix the rest
- "Carey eluded the box-in by backing into the Secret Service cruiser behind her and driving away striking a Secret Service officer in the process" just needs a comma between "away" and "striking"
- "The suspect proceeded at high speed north" should be changed to "The suspect proceeded north at high-speed"
- "The child was unharmed and taken to Children's Hospital": Is this the name of the hospital? If so you could link this or explain where it is. If it's not the name, it doesn't need to be capitalized and you need "a" before "children's"
- "Subsequent events" and "Aftermath" basically say the same thing, so I would just combine these sections
- "Secret Service has been criticized for its handling of the incident, questioning the use of lethal force for a traffic mixup, citing at least 22 instances in which intruders have successfully breached the White House itself without resulting in a fatality." should be changed to "The Secret Service has been criticized for its handling of the incident. {Insert here who has been questioning} questions the use of lethal force for a traffic mixup, citing at least 22 instances in which intruders have successfully breached the White House itself without resulting in a fatality.
- "On July 10, 2014, Federal authorities": should be federal, not Federal. Also, you could be more specific and state which federal agency you're talking about
- You linked "Barack Obama" more than once, so just keep the first linked and unlink the other(s)
- "A U.S. Secret Service officer was struck by the Infiniti at the White House grounds." Change "the Infiniti" to "Carey's car" and "at the" to "on"
Less-nitpicky:
- I think the second paragraph under "Miriam Carey" is really interesting and could be expanded upon a bit more. All of the links are really great and lead to more information, but perhaps just a touch of the information that those pages focus on could be added here
- Very informative piece with plenty of details of the incident.
- Great job at providing plenty of different citations rather than relying on just a few news stories