User talk:Djmoq3
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[edit]Hello, Djmoq3, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 21:08, 14 September 2017 (UTC)
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[edit]
Nice start on your draft. A few things moving forward.
- You asked about the introduction to your draft. Wikipedia articles don't have introduction sections, they have lead sections which summarise all of the major points in the article. See pages 7-9 of the Editing Wikipedia brochure for more information on this.
- You need to be precise and not over-generalise. If something is seen "throughout the animal kingdom" that means that it's something that actually seen throughout the animal kingdom not simply, say, in groups that have more complex behaviours. You also need to support a statement like that with a source that explicitly supports it.
- Since most people don't read very far into an article, you need to make sure that the most important points are up front. You should avoid starting a sentence with "
". Say what first, then follow it up with "according to whom".According to research done by Gibbons and Dugatkin one of the theories underlying the causation...
- Saying that "according to research...one of the theories...deals with" is odd. Did Gibbons and Dugatkin research theories? If not, if what they researches was actually behaviours, then this statement needs to be restructured.
- Only proper nouns should be capitalised, and references go after punctuation, not before.
Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 16:44, 23 October 2017 (UTC)
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[edit]Thanks for the feedback Ian. I'll ensure this feedback will be put to go use once I start moving my article into the main space! Djmoq3 (talk) 16:33, 1 November 2017 (UTC)
Feedback
[edit]Very nice work, but I still have some concerns
The winner and loser effect is an aggression phenomenon that can be found throughout the animal kingdom.[2]
This opening line isn't specific enough. Your reader should know what the topic is after reading the first sentence. Get rid of the "throughout the animal kingdom" bit - it invites skepticism (are you really saying that this applies to even, say, cnidarians?) and the source you use doesn't support that claim - and condense the first three sentences into one succinct statement. That would improve the utility of the lead immensely.
I fixed the following, among other things, where I found them, but you should still do some copy-editing to make sure you get all of these. (You can check my edit summaries for more details.)
- Only proper nouns are capitalised in Wikipedia articles. Terms like "winner and loser effects", game theory and species common names are not capitalised.
- References go after punctuation, not before.
- Be consistent in your use of spaces between sentences. You used two spaces in some places, one space in others.
- Quotation marks should only be used for actual quotations