User talk:Danimk/sandbox

Peer Review

I like that you chose to add the section "Rise in Violence" since it is a relevant and persistent issue that was not discussed in the original article. You content was also neutral and your resources were reliable. Since there was no clear introduction to your section, I think it would be beneficial to include a few sentences guiding the reader as to what you will be discussing, maybe in the form of a few statistics, rather than jumping right into the body paragraph. The second sentence you have, starting with "Recordings of police shootings and aggressive behavior posted..." can be placed first as part of this introductory portion since it provides a concrete statement as to the topic in question. I think it would be helpful to elaborate on what it meant by the first sentence in your section regarding the statement made by James Comey that "the recent rise in crime can be partly attributed to officers' reluctance to behave aggressively out of fear of being recorded". As a reader my initial response to this was one of confusion, since wouldn't the rise in crime occur if officers were in fact behaving aggressively, rather than exhibiting reluctance? I think if more attention and clarity were given to this point, any misunderstanding would be resolved. I noted two grammatical errors which I have indicated in bold: "Recordings of police shootings and aggressive behavior posted on YouTube have increased over the years, and officers are worried about the potential that these videos have to tarnish their careers."

Your second addition of "Posting videos as a livelihood" was interesting and I think that, if possible, the concept should be mentioned in further detail by providing one or two sentences on how Casey Neistat, for example, uses the social impact of YouTube to her benefit. It might also be fascinating to state the varying perspectives individuals have in regards to these "vloggers", in so much as whether they may promote or harm societal values. Lastly, a grammatical change that I think would be helpful (again in bold) is: "Many of these vloggers, due to their YouTube fame, continue to impact society socially through other social media platforms. One such vlogger is Casey Neistat, who grew to even more fame after posting several viral vlogs on YouTube."

Camomileviolet (talk) 18:55, 29 March 2017 (UTC)

Peer Review #2

I definitely liked the topic of the section that you decided to add. I know that it is a subject that is becoming more and more popular and at the same time more and more of an issue. With regards to the rise in violence, I like that you draw information from multiple sources but the paragraph seems so far to just be a lot of quotes without much context or explanation. Granted most of the quotes are self-explanatory but I feel like you just need to add a little bit more of an explanation and perhaps a little more context. Overall, great start and I you will definitely be able to build on top of what you already have and craft a great article. For the second section, another concept that has become more popular as the digital age has progressed. You have lots of quotes and cite them properly, which is great. As well as you provide great examples. Overall great job, keep up the great work.

Lwax314 (talk) 16:58, 30 March 2017 (UTC)Lwax314

Instructor Comments

Excellent job, Daniella. I think the first topic is especially relevant, though both are very concrete additions and are presented well. Make sure you put all your citations outside of the ending punctuation, like this.^[1] Rise in violence: I think this should perhaps be titled "Effect on Violence in the US," and your first sentence should include reference to the United States. I think it is an appropriate length. Read it over for copyediting purposes and implement whatever edits you want to make based on your re-reading and peer comments above, then you have my OK to move this section over to main Wikipedia article. As far as the second section goes: Hold off on moving this over until we meet. (Since there are a lot of editors working on this page, best to do it in chunks.) I agree with the comment above that you should add a sentence about how the example vlogger Neistat has continued to have a social impact beyond youtube. (Also in that sentence: you should take out the word "socially" when you say "continue to impact society socially through other..."). This section was a little general before this point (your first few sentences) and may duplicate some of the information already in the main article. Let's talk this over in our meeting together, as well as how it should be placed in the article (probably before the paragraph that's already there that delves into statistics, as a kind of introduction). --Jmstew2 (talk) 20:43, 3 April 2017 (UTC)