User talk:Cgraceo68/sandbox

Liam Cgraceo68 (talk) 15:32, 26 January 2016 (UTC)[reply]

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First sentence under recording is a little confusing when just reading once, maybe rephrase to “Growing up in the 50s Arethra Franklin had a short lived childhood” and then go into discussing “Franklin overpowered the stereotypical stay at home women of her era by recording her first albums at age 14 and signing with major record companies such as Atlantic, Arista and Colombia records” and then the “By age 17” sentence. Last sentence needs rephrasing but was a really great summary of her early career.

“Respect (capitalize) song is considered (maybe add by who this is considered too) one of the most…”

How can older women relate to the message? Or maybe why?

Maybe say young girls instead of little to try to better speak about the differences in age that use and relate to the song.

Expand on this, “However(,) Franklin’s perspective of the song (seems to) demands respect for women from their husbands touching on feminisim and racial struggles”

At the time of the songs release your (maybe change to “an individual’s”) race, gender, and sexuality was of no importance, because everyone could relate to need more respect.

“It is clear that Franklin not only faced issues as a women but her heritage played a huge role in her rise to fame.” Expand on this too.

Sources need to be integrated into article to match citation with information.

Also need one more scholarly or academic source but popular sources are all good. Scholarly source doesn’t need to have a link but an actual citation.

Try to add more internal citations to other wiki pages

Really great ending sentence to wrap up everything. I actually learned a good amount about Arethra in general and how her career started so early but would like to just know more about how this ties into feminism and racial struggles.

This was also pretty neutral except for a few words (mentioned above) but really great overall!

Alexpiersonn (talk) 14:52, 17 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

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The recording section of your edit has a lot of unnecessary information in it. It has a lot of general information that would probably come up if I typed in Aretha Franklin. There was also many grammatical errors as well. You did have information about when she actually started recording and her successes but there is some things that don’t need to be said. The part where you said it didn’t take long for her to be name the “Queen of Soul” could have been left out. It makes you lest neutral when you added that association to it. That could have just been in the first sentence of an Aretha Franklin page instead. It would have most likely started like, “Aretha Franklin, commonly known as the “Queen of Soul”…,” would have been more neutral instead. Then, in the legacy section it seemed to have more factual and neutral information. But the first sentence completely throws off what I said about being more neutral. Instead of saying that “respect” was a very comprehensive song, you could have added some factual information like how it was in the billboards or how many other great songs from other artists were surpassed. A good thing to also do would be to probably find an article specifically on how Aretha Franklin tried to make a movement toward feminism and specifically what Aretha Franklin thought of Otis Redding’s song. But ultimately, you did have a lot of information that you could turn factual and make more neutral to the audience which would hopefully make things flow better.PursuitOfAnA2016 (talk) 15:09, 17 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]