User talk:Cecilesaleh/Health status of White Americans/Bibliography
Some quick comments
[edit]This outline looks really solid, and the system of looking at differences in various health conditions, as well as the overall comparison of life expectancy and consideration of racism and privilege all seem important. However, the writing style for the lead section is a bit too much like an essay rather than an encyclopedia article in two place:
- First sentence: There needs to spell out a succinct definition or placement of the overall concept, rather than begin with a review of literature. So something like: "White Americans, as the majority and comparatively advantaged racial group in the United States, have…"
- Avoid abstract passives like "it is hypothesized". Instead attribute opinions and hypotheses to those who hold these views.
Some useful general advice on tone from WP:BETTER: "The tone, however, should always remain formal, impersonal, and dispassionate. … It is not Wikipedia's role to try to convince the reader of anything, only to provide the salient facts as best they can be determined, and the reliable sources for them." So wherever possible, state facts rather than including evaluations in your summaries.
I'm eager to see how this article develops.--Carwil (talk) 21:55, 18 April 2021 (UTC)