User talk:BonnieEllenBurns/sandbox
Bonnie, this is such a major improvement on such an important figure! Just a couple thoughts:
First, any chance she had interactions with the Women's Christian Temperance Union (WCTU)? Ian Tyrell's Woman's World/Woman's Empire or Leila Rupp's World's of Women could be a good source for this.
And secondly, I wonder if a brief introduction citing the highlights of her career and major themes of her life would be helpful? Just a thought! anthonycsiracusa — Preceding unsigned comment added by Anthonycsiracusa (talk • contribs) 18:47, 27 November 2018 (UTC)
Hi Bonnie! First off, thanks for your notes on my page; second, I love what you've done with Tillie Paul's page (and added two photos!), really great work!
Early life and education -I noticed a couple things were linked in the original article that aren't linked in yours (probably a result of copy-pasting), so I just want to make sure you knew about that (e.g. Victoria, British Columbia, Hudson's Bay Company). Did I mention I love that you found a quasi-Canadian to contribute to?? :) -is it Kut-Xoox or Kut-XooX? The final X is capitalized in your first mention of her name. -is there more you can add about her journey down to Prince Rupert with the man who proposed to her? It's just a bit unclear as to why she's traveling with him if she wasn't going to marry him (esp. at 12!!). Was there another reason for her trip? And why was she sent back. No worries if you can't answer these questions, I just thought this was a really fascinating event.
Teaching and Missionary work -what is a 'primer'? -The sentence 'In 1886, Paul died, presumably drowned while...' is a bit awkward; can it be separated into two or rephrased? -"acting as a nurse..." is odd wording. -The sentence "As a widow..." has a lot of info in it - can it be tightened up split into two separate sentences? - I don't like starting a sentence with 'as well', perhaps 'She also lectured on...' or 'In addition to her written contributions, she lectured on..." -I hope you can find citations for her Tlingit translation work because that sounds so cool! -Suggestion for marriages/personal life: I would create a separate,short section (maybe right after 'Early Life and Education') called 'Personal Life' or something to that effect, possibly even with subheadings for her marriages and partners, children, and her own death.
Civil Rights advocacy -I love the addition to the first paragraph in this section, especially the last line. It's a great contribution. Is all the info from this paragraph cited in source 10, or are you looking for additional info? -"assisted... to vote" should probably be "assisted...in voting". Also, is assisted the right word here? I wonder how she assisted, or if she protested against his refusal/advocated for him to be able to vote. -comma after felonies should be a colon. Sorry, I'm a grammar fanatic, probably because I'm in the middle of grading college essays right now. Please let me know if you want me to add more comments about grammar - believe it or not, I'm holding back because I don't want to be TOO obnoxious!! :) -the section beginning "In 1922..." is fantastic. It's really informative. I think the very last line can be its own mini-paragraph to nicely end this section.
Legacy -In 1924 should have a comma after it. -any links (red or otherwise) to people/places in this section?
Misc - there was a MA thesis written awhile back at UBC (my alma mater) called "Their Works Do Follow Them: Tlingit Women and Presbyterian Missions" by Alison Parry, it may have some more sources for you? It's available online but if you can't find it, let me know and I'll send it to you. -Nothing much more to add except I really loved reading this page and learned a lot. Thank you for your contribution, it's awesome! (Gardneca (talk) 01:33, 23 November 2018 (UTC))