User talk:Asievers4/sandbox
Peer Edit
[edit]I went through and did a rough edit. It looks good. The main changes I made were sentence restructure and grammar/spelling edits such as having the word do instead of due. Heather.Richmond (talk)
Feedback
[edit]Your draft is looking very good. The sections you’ve added do a nice job summarizing the information while keeping a NPOV. As you go remember to copy edit your work. The sections are all good, but for the Africa section it would be nice if you could either break it down by country, and add just a few, or specify in the section which countries your sources talk about specifically. As you continue you should update your lead section and try to incorporate the new additions you’ve made. Also for each section if you can find the information it would be great to include a sentence or two about the current labor laws that are in place. Kjatczak (talk) 15:26, 31 October 2015 (UTC)
Feedback by Laura Wagener
[edit]Colonial Empires Was the first sentence an opinion? Or just a distinction you made from looking through your sources? I would expand on what a picannin is, as this was a bit confusing for me. I would also add a citation here if you can! I would also add one after talking about the Dutch East India Company, since you did use a direct quote from your source. There are no links to other Wikipedia pages, so I would add a few of those, if possible. At the end of the first paragraph, there should probably be a citation there. All of the citations are in black and cannot be clicked on. I didn’t see any bias shown and your information was presented really well. There was no ‘studies show’ or ‘research explains’. Good job there too.
England The citations in this section are good and able to be clicked on. There are also links to click on for more information on England and their role in the Industrial Revolution. I would add a few more, if possible (this section is full of information and even I wanted to learn a bit more). I like the beginning of the last paragraph as it was your own sentence, and needed no citation. I changed the last sentence from ‘All working towards the goal of ending the most problematic forms of child labour’ to ‘they all worked towards the goal of ending the most problematic forms of child labour’. The first one wasn’t really a sentence, but you’re more than welcome to change this back if you choose.
Switzerland The citations here again are black, and unable to be clicked on by others. I would also recommend making the first sentence shorter, as it is seven lines long. This would make it a little less confusing to younger readers. Also, what does p.e. mean? I would make that clear.
I would add more links to other Wikipedia articles. When talking about history, it can be a little confusing, so to understand more of the background would be really helpful. But, I did like how all of your information was cited and you had a lot of shocking statistics, which should really strike the readers. I didn’t see any bias either, so good job there.
Soviet Union and Russia Again here the citations couldn’t be clicked on. In the first paragraph, was all of that information from one source? I would add more links to other Wikipedia articles if possible. The second sentence of the second paragraph should also have a citation, unless that source is used for the next sentence as well. I really liked how you brought up the car accident that took place in 2012, but what happened because of that? Were any changes made to protect youth after that incident? Again in this paragraph, I didn’t see any bias or weasel phrasing. Good job. Very interesting section.
Africa The first sentence should have a citation. You had good use of sources otherwise (they were able to be clicked on) and your links to other Wikipedia pages were seen throughout. But, the more the better! I would re-word the first sentence in the second paragraph. I know it’s a very important fact but it was a little hard to read (in my opinion). Otherwise good job, there is no bias shown.
Action again Child Labor in Africa The citations are black again; I would check the editing settings. It should be an easy fix. No bias shown, good facts. Since it is such a small paragraph, I would maybe just add it to the larger article above.
Brazil I would cite the first sentence. Otherwise, it is a very good paragraph. There is again no bias, or uncited studies.
India I would again cute the first sentence. Good use of links to other Wikipedia articles. They were seen throughout all of the paragraphs. Great job.
Action against Child Labor in India I would add this section to the top paragraph. Since it is a smaller paragraph, it would fit in well with the information above. I noticed the citations were black again, so change that when you have a chance.
Overall, I loved your article. I think the overall big article was organized well. I think your section was inserted at a good time, so well done there! I would add more pictures if you can, and just make sure everything has citations. Sometimes the information was a lot, and could be confusing for a younger audience, so there were some edits I made with the syntax. You also had little to no bias. I didn’t see any when I read through, so great job. There were also no weasel pieces; all of your statistics and studies were cited correctly. Make sure all of your sources are in the end of the article and easily accessible for everyone reading. Make sure every source you used has a DOI or URL shown. Otherwise, great job and very interesting read!