User talk:AnnaCat2
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, AnnaCat2, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:19, 22 August 2016 (UTC)
Feedback request
[edit]Hi AnnaCat2. I got your message and I took a look at your sandbox. Is there something specific that I can help you with? Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 15:04, 19 September 2016 (UTC)
Hi Ian! As I was editing, I found that the thing I struggled most with was maintaining and rewording sections to have neutral language. (Like getting rid of things like "most believe x, but some say y".) I was hoping to get another set of eyes on it to see whether I was doing this effectively. AnnaCat2 (talk) 15:19, 19 September 2016 (UTC)
- It looks pretty good. A few things you could change
Memory span has been found to increase with age, up to a given point.
- "Up to a given point" is a bit vague - a concrete example ("usually ages x to y") and a supporting citation would help this a lot.
It should be pointed out that...
- Phrasing like this is essentially editorial and best eliminated. Just stick with the remainder of the sentence: "If the mental age of the individual does not increase, the memory span will not, either." Doing that provides the information to the reader, but doesn't say "I think this is important". It's also fine to make the contrast: "However, if the mental age of an individual..."
- One other thought - "an individual" is a bit less clinical than "the individual"; "a person" is even better. Slightly stilted language like that is common is formal writing, but doesn't actually improve readability. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 15:47, 19 September 2016 (UTC)