User talk:Adist001
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Adist001, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Shalor and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 16:54, 13 January 2020 (UTC)
Notes
[edit]Hi! I have some draft notes. You have a good overall base here. The main things are:
- Be careful about tone. Make sure to avoid using the words notable and marketing terms like 'passion for' and 'evolving dedication', as these can come across as very subjective and even very promotional. Some of the writing here does feel kind of non-neutral, leaning towards it being positive towards the artist so make sure that you're extremely careful to avoid this.
- You use gender neutral terms here, but don't have anything in the article about this being their gender term preference - with any non-binary gender terms it's important to make a note of this in the article and to source the claim, as otherwise it could pose an issue of misgendering and accuracy. I did find what looks to be their instagram account, but I don't see where they have a verified mark. We need a reliable source of some sort - it can be primary - to back up the gender terms in the article, otherwise we have to use he/him as the default. I don't think it should be hard to find a source for this, but I want to impress on the importance of a source for this.
- Make sure that there is context for the quotes and that the quotes are necessary for the understanding of the article - ie, that it can't be just as easily summarized in your own words. The reason for this is partially to avoid relying too much on them but also because quotes can sometimes exacerbate tone issues.
- There's also an issue of it being understandable - keep in mind that while this doesn't have to be in first grade language, it's important that this be understandable to laypersons. For example, in the advocacy section you have this quote:
- From their cultural upbringings throughout their childhood, Dinéyazhi' became "caught in a narrative that is informed by romanticized notions of belonging and the alienation experienced through centuries of forced assimilation to White Supremacist Capitalist Heteropatriarchial Colonization."
- The question here is what does this mean and why does it apply to their advocacy? Now you and I know that it's essentially this: they grew up in a society where it was important to conform to the "norm" - which essentially meant that they had to conform to the norm of being a white male that participates in capitalism. However someone who is coming in that isn't as familiar with the terminology may not be as savvy about this, so this quote wouldn't really make a whole lot of sense to them. It would be better to be more to the point and say something like this:
- During their childhood Dinéyazhi' had issues fitting in, as they were expected to conform to the Western societal ideals, which they have described as "White Supremacist Capitalist Heteropatriarchial Colonization". Their observations during this time of "the entangled relationships between the land, Native cultures, and colonial, capitalist economic and political systems" would go on to play a role in their artwork and political advocacy, as Dinéyazhi' came to explore the political ideologies and identities of 'Radical Indigenous Queer Feminism' that challenged the ideas of white supremacy and heteronormative patriarchy, especially in the field of contemporary art.
- This uses much of the same wording for the intro paragraph but makes it a bit easier to understand, as it makes the central points clear: that they didn't fit in with the ideals and expectations of Western society and that this heavily played into their artwork and advocacy. It gets the "why" and "what" across a bit more clearly.
- Any and all subjective statements must be attributed to the persons making them or in a way that makes it clear that it's not Wikipedia making the claims, as otherwise it can be seen as original research. I'm concerned that the artworks section has issues with this, along with tone. I would avoid using terms like "most notable" since that would be seen as subjective - what is most notable for one may not be for the next, even if that person came from an identical background and education.
I hope that this helps! Tone is mostly my biggest concern here and definitely one that I can help with - it's something that can take a bit of getting used to on Wikipedia, since the writing style is so different from writing for other areas. It certainly took me a while to get used to! Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 22:08, 18 February 2020 (UTC)