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A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between partners of differing sexual orientations. The broader term is mixed-orientation relationship and both terms are often shortened to MOM and MOR respectively. One person is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or asexual while the other is not.

The terms MOM and MOR can also sometimes refer to couples with different sexual identities and paraphilias, or when one person is transgender and the other is not. However, this is not technically accurate as these concepts do not refer to one's orientation specifically.

According to a 1994 study, 2-4% of American women are, or have been, in a marriage with a man who has had sex with another man. For the purposes of this study, men who identified as homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual were included in this number, and it does not account if the homosexual activity occurred before, during, or after the marriage.[1] Need more stats... grr

Homosexuals and heterosexuals

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Homosexual men and women wed heterosexuals for many complex reasons. The New York Times did an extensive article on the subject in 2006, citing "discrimination, ...wishful thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic affection."[2] Joe Kort, a social worker who specializes in counselling gay men and their heterosexual wives stressed that, "These men genuinely love their wives.... They don't mean any harm."[2]

Gay men and heterosexual women

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Kort has theorized that some heterosexual women find homosexual men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.[2]

One study states that heterosexual women in mixed-orientation marriages may be attracted to homosexual men and proceed to marry them.[3]

Heterosexual wives of homosexual men who did not know of their husband's sexual orientation may feel deceived or blame themselves for not having known. Fear of encountering social disapproval or ostracism often makes it difficult for them to seek support from family and friends.[4] Findings suggest that heterosexual wives struggled less with the homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss, cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable, empathic support or help in problem solving.[5]

Heterosexual wives often feel they are not feminine enough, while heterosexual husbands feel they are not masculine enough. In the particular case of a heterosexual-homosexual marriage, the heterosexual spouse may feel sexually inadequate.[6]

Divorce is one possible resolution for the homosexual partner, potentially with re-marriage to person of the same sex. Gay and lesbian people who come out late in life may have children from a previous heterosexual marriage.

Lavender marriage

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A lavender marriage is a type of male-female marriage of convenience in which the couple are not both heterosexual and conceal the homosexual or bisexual orientation of one or both spouses. In gay slang, the spouse whose presence conceals the other's sexual orientation is referred to as a "beard".

History
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Although there have been a number of prominent lavender marriages in history, the phrase itself came into colloquial use during the 1920s,[citation needed] when the imposition of morality clauses into the contracts of Hollywood actors caused some closeted stars to enter into marriages of convenience to protect their public reputations and preserve their careers. The destruction of the career of MGM actor William Haines, who refused to end his relationship with his male partner Jimmy Shields and enter into a marriage at MGM's direction,[7] was said to have prompted a number of marriages of this type.[citation needed] While the term is no longer in common usage, rumors suggesting that some high profile celebrity couples marry to conceal the sexual orientation of one or both partners continue to circulate.

Among the couples and individuals who have been reported to have entered "lavender marriages" are:

  • Actor Rock Hudson, who, under movie studio pressure and worried about rumors that Confidential magazine was planning to expose his homosexuality, married Phyllis Gates, a young woman who worked for Hudson's agent.[8]
  • British diplomat Harold Nicolson and his wife Vita Sackville-West, who were both bisexual, were monogamous early in their marriage but after the births of their two sons acknowledged their preferences for their own sex and engaged in love affairs.[9]
  • American composer Cole Porter, in 1919, married Linda Lee Thomas, a rich divorcee from Kentucky. Thomas was aware of Porter's homosexuality. Porter also preferred the heterosexual image this offered his budding career. They remained together until her death.
  • American theater actress and producer Katharine Cornell was married to theater director Guthrie McClintic. They lived together in their Manhattan townhouse, and she only appeared in productions that he directed. They remained married and devoted to each other until his death. [10]
In fiction
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Fictional examples include:

  • The plot of a Korean film (2012) Two Weddings and a Funeral (directed by Kim Jho Kwang Su), in which Min SU, a gay doctor enters into a lavender marriage with Hyo Jin, a lesbian who wants to adopt a baby.
  • The plot of the 1993 film The Wedding Banquet, which centers around a lavender marriage between two Chinese Americans.
  • The 1996 episode of The Simpsons titled "A Fish Called Selma", in which Troy McClure enters into a lavender marriage with Selma Bouvier to conceal his unusual sexual desire for fish/aquatic animals.
  • In the show Samantha Who? (2007-2009), the character Andrea Belladonna agrees to enter into a lavender marriage with gay basketball player Tony Dane.
  • In the 2008 Hindi movie Fashion, the character Rahul Arora, a gay fashion designer, marries Janet, a heterosexual model, to conceal his sexual orientation.
  • The Playboy Club, a 2011 television series on NBC, includes a lesbian Playboy Bunny in a lavender marriage with a gay man. The two are members of the Chicago chapter of the Mattachine Society.
  • In American writer James Frey's novel Bright Shiny Morning (2008), the homosexual actor Amberton Parker is in a lavender marriage with actress Casey Parker, also homosexual, in order to conceal both of their sexual orientations.

Lesbian women and heterosexual men

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Bisexuals

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With heterosexual women

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With heterosexual men

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With homosexual women

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With homosexual men

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Asexuality

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Gay and Bisexual Men

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A study on 26 gay and bisexual men found that internalized homophobia is a factor that leads such men into mixed-orientation marriages.[11] Marriages between a homosexual man and a heterosexual woman have a high probability of failure.[3]

While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell their spouse before marriage.[12] LGB parents must also decide how and when to come out to their children. For many, this may be a difficult process.[13] It is also possible that someone was exclusively heterosexual in behavior and fantasies before marriage, but grew toward a more homosexual orientation during marriage.[14]

Sexual Relationship Disorder

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If a change in sexual orientation after a period of relative stability in sexual orientation causes anxiety or depression, especially if the person is involved in a relationship, the person may have a sexual maturation disorder.

A person who is either in a mixed-orientation marriage or wishes to enter into one may go to therapy or support groups to deal with issues involved in that type of marriage.[15] A significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding homosexual expression within marriage.[16] Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and to monogamy.[17] Research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual identity while maintaining a successful marriage.[18] Therapy may include helping the client feel more comfortable and accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns.[19] Peers provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal attitudes that impact mixed orientation families.[20]

Approximately one third of marriages end immediately when the bisexual or homosexual spouse reveals his or her sexual orientation, whereas another third end after a short period of time. The remaining third attempt to continue the marriage successfully. In this case, the most successful marriages reassess their relationship in light of the sexual orientation.[6]

Some bisexual men express with minimal conflict their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a mixed-orientation marriage.[21] with openness and communication being a key factor.[22]

Cultural references

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The theme of mixed-orientation marriages in literature dates back at least to 1889 with the publication of A Marriage Below Zero by Alfred J. Cohen (writing under the pseudonym Chester Allan Dale). Cohen's heterosexual female narrator was married to a homosexual man. Cohen believed that women should be aware of the sexual orientation of a potential husband so they would avoid marrying a homosexual man.[23] Lesbian pulp fiction sometimes included married women exploring their attraction to other women. Other examples of the theme include Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx, which features two married cowboys in love with each other.

The filmed version of Brokeback Mountain helped bring the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention,[24] but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk shows, such as Oprah, have also addressed this situation.[25] Some of the movies that deal with mixed-orientation marriages include:

  • Brokeback Mountain
  • De-Lovely - The story of Cole Porter, a bisexual man, and his wife, Linda Lee Thomas.
  • Far From Heaven - The story of a woman whose husband has an affair with another man.
  • Imagine Me & You - Story of a straight woman who falls in love with a lesbian at her wedding.
  • The Wedding Banquet - Story of a gay Taiwanese immigrant man who marries a mainland Chinese woman to placate his parents and get her a green card.
  • Mulligans - The story of a gay man who spends the summer with his best friend's family and begins an affair with the father.
  • American Beauty

Famous Mixed-Orientation Couples

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There have been several famous celebrities who are in a mixed-orientation marriage, including:

References

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REFLIST

  1. ^ Laumann, Edward O.; Gagnon, John H.; Michael, Robert T.; Michaels, Stuart (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. University of Chicago Press.
  2. ^ a b c Butler, Katy (March 7, 2006). "Many Couples Must Negotiate Terms of 'Brokeback' Marriages". New York Times.
  3. ^ a b Büntzly G (1993). "Gay fathers in straight marriages". J Homosex. 24 (3–4): 107–14. doi:10.1300/J082v24n03_07. PMID 8505530.
  4. ^ Hays D, Samuels A (1989). "Heterosexual women's perceptions of their marriages to bisexual or homosexual men". J Homosex. 18 (1–2): 81–100. doi:10.1300/J082v18n01_04. PMID 2794500.
  5. ^ Gochros JS (1985). "Wives' reactions to learning that their husbands are bisexual". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 101–13. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_09. PMID 4056383.
  6. ^ a b Jerry J. Bigner, Joseph L. Wetchler Relationship therapy with same-sex couples
  7. ^ Trimmier, Benjamin. "Haines, William "Billy" (1900-1973)". glbtq.com. Retrieved 2007-04-28.
  8. ^ Gates, Phyllis (1987). My husband, Rock Hudson: the real story of Rock Hudson's marriage to Phyllis Gates. Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday. ISBN 978-0-385-24071-0.
  9. ^ Nicolson, Nigel. Portrait of a Marriage. London: Weidenfeld and Nicolson, 1978.
  10. ^ Mosel, "Leading Lady: The World and Theatre of Katharine Cornell," Little, Brown & Co, 1978.
  11. ^ Gay Men from Heterosexual Marriages: Attitudes, Behaviors, Childhood Experiences, and Reasons for Marriage
  12. ^ Cite error: The named reference Moore07 was invoked but never defined (see the help page).
  13. ^ Dunne EJ (1987). "Helping gay fathers come out to their children". J Homosex. 14 (1–2): 213–22. doi:10.1300/J082v14n01_16. PMID 3655343.
  14. ^ Coleman E (1985). "Bisexual women in marriages". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 87–99. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_08. PMID 4056398.
  15. ^ Rust, Paula C. (2000). Bisexuality in the United States: a social science reader. New York: Columbia University Press. ISBN 0-231-10227-5.
  16. ^ Wolf TJ (1987). "Group psychotherapy for bisexual men and their wives". J Homosex. 14 (1–2): 191–9. doi:10.1300/J082v14n01_14. PMID 3655341.
  17. ^ Schneider JP, Schneider BH (1990). "Marital satisfaction during recovery from self-identified sexual addiction among bisexual men and their wives". J Sex Marital Ther. 16 (4): 230–50. doi:10.1080/00926239008405460. PMID 2079706.
  18. ^ Matteson DR (1985). "Bisexual men in marriage: is a positive homosexual identity and stable marriage possible?". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 149–71. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_12. PMID 4056386.
  19. ^ Coleman E (1981). "Bisexual and gay men in heterosexual marriage: conflicts and resolutions in therapy". J Homosex. 7 (2–3): 93–103. doi:10.1300/J082v07n02_11. PMID 7346553.
  20. ^ Buxton AP (2005). "A Family Matter: When a Spouse Comes Out as Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual". J GLBT Family Studies. 1 (2): 49–70. doi:10.1300/J461v01n02_04. ISSN 1550-428X.
  21. ^ Brownfain JJ (1985). "A study of the married bisexual male: paradox and resolution". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 173–88. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_13. PMID 4056387.
  22. ^ Coleman E (1985). "Integration of male bisexuality and marriage". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 189–207. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_14. PMID 4056388.
  23. ^ Fletcher, Lynne Yamaguchi (1992) The First Gay Pope and Other Records. Boston, Alyson Publications. ISBN 1-55583-206-7. p. 93
  24. ^ Cite error: The named reference Brokeback was invoked but never defined (see the help page).
  25. ^ My Husband is gay
  26. ^ Sanchez, Albert (2001-11-06). "The Agony and Ecstasy of Anne Heche". The Advocate (850). Here Publishing: 37. ISSN 0001-8996.
  27. ^ Margaret Cho geared up for 'Dead'
  28. ^ Frontain, Raymond-Jean (2002). "Porter, Cole". glbtq.com. Retrieved 2007-10-17.
  29. ^ "Coming Clean" January 24, 1995
  30. ^ Libertarian Celebrities - Advocates for Self-Government
  31. ^ Habib, John Phillip (2002-07-09). "Dressmaker For Stars and Secretaries". The Advocate (867). Here Publishing: 61. ISSN 0001-8996.
  32. ^ "The Advocate's 25 Coolest Women". The Advocate. November 23, 1999.