User:Tony1/Exercises in textual flow

Here are four sets of exercises: in paragraphing, the control of sentence length, and the use of commas (two sets).

Self-help writing tutorials:

• Exercises in weeding out fluff from article text
• Advanced editing exercises
• Spot the ambiguity
• Build your linking skills
• Using hyphens and dashes
• Copy-editing essentials, part of the Military History Academy

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Exercise 1: paragraphing

Here’s a fat, grey paragraph that was the lead in a FAC. It needs to be broken up into, let’s say, four manageable portions. There are a number of ways of dividing it, so we can offer only a suggested solution.

Your task is to identify three statements in the paragraph that appear to take a fresh direction. Check that each of these statements can function as a “theme”—that is, as a logical, cohesive subsidiary topic within the lead. To perform this function, each statement that you identify must be followed by extensions or enhancements of the idea that it introduces.

The Sun is the star at the centre of our solar system. The Earth and other matter (including other planets, asteroids, meteoroids, comets and dust) orbit the Sun, which by itself accounts for more than 99% of the solar system’s mass. Energy from the Sun—in the form of sunlight, supports almost all life on Earth via photosynthesis, and, via heating from insolation—drives the Earth’s climate and weather. About 74% of the Sun’s mass is hydrogen, 25% is helium, and the rest is made up of trace quantities of heavier elements. The Sun is about 4.6 billion years old and is about halfway through its main-sequence evolution, during which nuclear fusion reactions in its core fuse hydrogen into helium. Each second, more than four million tonnes of matter are converted into energy within the Sun’s core, producing neutrinos and solar radiation. In about five billion years, the Sun will evolve into a red giant and then a white dwarf, creating a planetary nebula in the process. The Sun is a magnetically active star; it supports a strong, changing magnetic field that varies from year to year and reverses direction about every 11 years. The Sun’s magnetic field gives rise to many effects that are collectively called solar activity, including sunspots on the surface of the Sun, solar flares, and variations in the solar wind that carry material through the solar system. The effects of solar activity on Earth include auroras at moderate to high latitudes, and the disruption of radio communications and electric power. Solar activity is thought to have played a large role in the formation and evolution of the solar system, and strongly affects the structure of Earth’s outer atmosphere. Although it is the nearest star to Earth and has been intensively studied by scientists, many questions about the Sun remain unanswered; these include why its outer atmosphere has a temperature of over a million degrees K when its visible surface (the photosphere) has a temperature of just 6000 K. Current topics of scientific enquiry include the Sun’s regular cycle of sunspot activity, the physics and origin of solar flares and prominences, the magnetic interaction between the chromosphere and the corona, and the origin of the solar wind.

Perhaps you’d like a hint as to what the “theme” of each of the four new, shorter paragraphs might be?

Including the start, the four themes of the lead might be:

• introduction;
• evolution/energy production (i.e., introduced by the first fresh statement that you’ve identified);
• magnetic and other solar activity; and
• unanswered questions.

Before you hit “suggested solution”, go back to the exercise and see if you’ve chosen the same boundaries.

Jane Austen (1775–1817) is widely regarded as one of the greatest writers in the English language. Her unfailingly elegant prose depicted middle- and upper-class moral dilemmas with powerful irony.

When you’ve identified the three statements, have a look at our suggested solution.

Exercise 2: sentence length

Each of these sentences is too long. Typically, the author has tried to cram too many related ideas into the sentence. For each exercise, identify where and how to split the sentence for easier reading. The “where” is easy enough—aim for roughly equal parts either side of the split; the “how” is more challenging—sometimes you’ll have to change the grammar a little.

For each question, hit “[Show]“ in the lower box to reveal the solution. If you'd like a hint before displaying the solution, first hit “[Show]“ in the upper box to reveal it.

Please widen your window if the display is distorted.

QUESTION A
Gregorian chant is the best-known repertory of plainchant, a form of monophonic,
unaccompanied sacred song, which was developed in the Catholic Church, mainly in
the Frankish lands during the 9th and 10th centuries, with later additions and redactions.

HINT

• A good location for a break is about half-way through (see the red text below).
• You could start your new, second sentence with “This ...”.
• However, being singular, “this” could refer back to any of the four singular items in the first
  sentence: “Gregorian chant”, “best-known repertory”, “plainchant”, or “a form of monophonic,
  unaccompanied sacred song”. That would be fuzzy.
• To make it clear, you’ll probably need to restate one of these items at the start of your new sentence.

Gregorian chant is the best-known repertory of plainchant, a form of monophonic,
unaccompanied sacred song, which was developed in the Catholic Church, mainly in
the Frankish lands during the 9th and 10th centuries, with later additions and redactions.

SOLUTION

Gregorian chant is the best-known repertory of plainchant, a form of monophonic,
unaccompanied sacred song. Plainchant was developed in the Catholic Church, mainly in

the Frankish lands during the 9th and 10th centuries, with later additions and redactions.

QUESTION B
However, ardent debate ensued between political factions known as the Federalists
and anti-Federalists over the balance between strengthening the nation’s
government and weakening the rights of the people who just 10 years earlier had
rebelled against the perceived tyranny of George III of England, particularly his
unwillingness to change the taxation regime.

HINT

• Here, again, you’ll need to tweak the grammar and repeat an item in the new sentence,
  preferably not straight after the previous occurrence.

However, ardent debate ensued between political factions known as the Federalists
and anti-Federalists over the balance between strengthening the nation’s
government and weakening the rights of the people who just 10 years earlier had
rebelled against the perceived tyranny of George III of England, particularly his
unwillingness to change the taxation regime.

SOLUTION

However, ardent debate ensued between political factions known as the Federalists
and anti-Federalists over the balance between strengthening the nation’s government
and weakening the rights of the people. Just 10 years earlier, the same people had
rebelled against the perceived tyranny of George III of England, particularly his
unwillingness to change the taxation regime.

• We inserted "same" ("the same people") to retain the writer's emphasis.

QUESTION C
As such, the comic strip holds a unique place in British football folklore, demonstrated
most clearly by the phrase “real Roy of the Rovers stuff”, which is typically used
by football writers and commentators to describe displays of great skill or results
that go against the odds, as a reference to the dramatic storylines that became
the trademark of the comic strip.

HINT

• This is long enough to split in several ways; our solution is just one.
• We opted to repeat the main item ("the phrase") some way into the second
  sentence. See if you can work out where.

As such, the comic strip holds a unique place in British football folklore, demonstrated
most clearly by the phrase “real Roy of the Rovers stuff”, which is typically used
by football writers and commentators to describe displays of great skill or results
that go against the odds, as a reference to the dramatic storylines that became
the trademark of the comic strip.

SOLUTION

As such, the comic strip holds a unique place in British football folklore, demonstrated
most clearly by the phrase “real Roy of the Rovers stuff”. Typically used by
football writers and commentators to describe displays of great skill or results
that go against the odds, the phrase is a reference to the dramatic storylines
that became the trademark of the comic strip.

• Like "the same people" in the previous exercise, the key back-reference here
  ("the phrase") is in the middle of the second sentence. This sometimes works well.

QUESTION D
Originally developed for racing cars to prevent the foaming of the engine oil
by the crankshaft, which created a serious drop in oil pressure, the system
circulated 12 litres of oil between the storage tank—mounted inside the
right-front fender—and the engine, as opposed to the usual four or five litres
that circulated in V8s with a standard oil pan and pump.

HINT

• Bring the subject of this long sentence back to the start; and
• make two stand-alone sentences, each starting with the (same) subject.

SOLUTION

The system was originally developed for racing cars to prevent the foaming
of the engine oil by the crankshaft, which created a serious drop in oil
pressure. The system circulated 12 litres of oil between the storage tank—mounted
inside the right-front fender—and the engine, as opposed to the usual four or five
litres that circulated in V8s with a standard oil pan and pump.

• You might consider avoiding the repetition of the subject ("the system") by using a semicolon
  at the same boundary, instead of a full-stop. The magic of a semicolon is that you can use
  "it" to refer right back to the start of the statement.
• If the second section is still too long for your liking, you could split off the last part into a third, final sentence.

The text would then look something like this:
The system was originally developed for racing cars to prevent the foaming
of the engine oil by the crankshaft, which created a serious drop in oil
pressure; it circulated 12 litres of oil between the storage tank—mounted inside
the right-front fender—and the engine. This compared favourably with the usual four or five litres
that circulated in V8s with a standard oil pan and pump.

The writing desk of Ernest Hemingway (1899–1961), an American novelist whose distinctive writing style is characterised by economy and understatement.

Exercise 3: smoothly integrating ideas into a sentence

Although the title here says "sentence", learning how to integrate ideas effectively can involve the relationship between sentences, as well as within them. Some of the exercises thus involve two sentences.

Try to determine how the ideas in these exercises might be better integrated. This may involve using a more appropriate link (e.g., an additive rather than a contrastive word, or a semicolon or full-stop instead of "and").

For each question, hit [Show] in the lower box to reveal the solution. If you'd like a hint before displaying the solution, first hit [Show] in the upper box to reveal it.

Please widen your window if the display is distorted.

QUESTION A
The Earth's atmosphere has no definite boundary, slowly becoming thinner until
it fades into outer space. Three-quarters of the atmosphere's mass, however, is
contained within the first 11 kilometres of the planet's surface.

HINT

• How does the second sentence grow out of the first—by:
  • contradicting it?
  • causing it, or being caused by it? or
  • just adding further information to it?

SOLUTION

The Earth's atmosphere has no definite boundary, slowly becoming thinner until
it fades into outer space. Three-quarters of the atmosphere's mass, however, is
contained within the first 11 kilometres of the planet's surface.

• The second sentence just adds more information, so "however", with its commas,
  should be removed.

QUESTION B
He is the elder brother of Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher and they are
well-known as squabbling siblings.

HINT

• How close are the two ideas in this sentence?

SOLUTION

He is the elder brother of Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher; they are
well-known as squabbling siblings.

• In most contexts, announcing that they're brothers and telling us that they squabble will be too different to belong in the one sentence, particularly a short one. Inserting a comma before "and" would be better than nothing, but a semicolon instead of "and" provides a more distinct boundary between the ideas.

QUESTION C
The accusations were largely directed towards senior civil servants, particularly in the
Home Office, but also included officers of the diplomatic corps.

HINT

• What's the relationship between the last clause ("but also included ...") and the previous statement?
• There's a redundant word here, too.

SOLUTION

The accusations were largely directed towards senior civil servants, particularly in the
Home Office, but also and included officers of the diplomatic corps.

• The relationship is additive, not contrastive.
• "Largely" already indicates that the accusations were directed at other people as well.
• Therefore "and", not "but" should link to what is simply additional, expected information.
• As usual, "also" adds nothing and should be removed.

QUESTION D
The ranges of L. raniformis and L. castanea overlap with that of the Green and
Golden Bell Frog, and the general body shape and coloration of the three species are similar.

HINT

• Are the two ideas close enough to be glued together like this?

SOLUTION

The ranges of L. raniformis and L. castanea overlap with that of the Green and
Golden Bell Frog; the general body shape and coloration of the three species are similar.

• Again, the two clauses are too different to be linked with a comma + and.

QUESTION E
He formed several bands while at high school: the first,
The Shadow Blasters, was short-lived, but the second, The
Golden Chords, lasted longer.

HINT

• How are the two clauses related?

SOLUTION

He formed several bands while at high school: the first,
The Shadow Blasters, was short-lived; the second, The
Golden Chords, lasted longer.

• Since the second clause in no way contradicts the first, comma + "and", or a semicolon will do the trick.

Suggested solutions

Exercise 1: suggested solution

We’ve coloured three statements that are suitable for starting new paragraphs. Including the start, the four themes of the lead are now:

• introduction;
• evolution/energy production (i.e., introduced by first brown sentence);
• magnetic and other solar activity; and
• unanswered questions.

The Sun is the star at the centre of our solar system. The Earth and other matter (including other planets, asteroids, meteoroids, comets and dust) orbit the Sun, which by itself accounts for more than 99% of the solar system’s mass. Energy from the Sun—in the form of sunlight, supports almost all life on Earth via photosynthesis, and, via heating from insolation—drives the Earth’s climate and weather. About 74% of the Sun’s mass is hydrogen, 25% is helium, and the rest is made up of trace quantities of heavier elements. The Sun is about 4.6 billion years old and is about halfway through its main-sequence evolution, during which nuclear fusion reactions in its core fuse hydrogen into helium. Each second, more than four million tonnes of matter are converted into energy within the Sun’s core, producing neutrinos and solar radiation. In about five billion years, the Sun will evolve into a red giant and then a white dwarf, creating a planetary nebula in the process. The Sun is a magnetically active star; it supports a strong, changing magnetic field that varies from year to year and reverses direction about every 11 years. The Sun’s magnetic field gives rise to many effects that are collectively called solar activity, including sunspots on the surface of the Sun, solar flares, and variations in the solar wind that carry material through the solar system. The effects of solar activity on Earth include auroras at moderate to high latitudes, and the disruption of radio communications and electric power. Solar activity is thought to have played a large role in the formation and evolution of the solar system, and strongly affects the structure of Earth’s outer atmosphere. Although it is the nearest star to Earth and has been intensively studied by scientists, many questions about the Sun remain unanswered; these include why its outer atmosphere has a temperature of over a million degrees K when its visible surface (the photosphere) has a temperature of just 6000 K. Current topics of scientific enquiry include the Sun’s regular cycle of sunspot activity, the physics and origin of solar flares and prominences, the magnetic interaction between the chromosphere and the corona, and the origin of the solar wind.

Here, then, is how the new lead will appear.

The Sun is the star at the centre of our solar system. The Earth and other matter (including other planets, asteroids, meteoroids, comets and dust) orbit the Sun, which by itself accounts for more than 99% of the solar system’s mass. Energy from the Sun—in the form of sunlight, supports almost all life on Earth via photosynthesis, and, via heating from insolation—drives the Earth’s climate and weather.

About 74% of the Sun’s mass is hydrogen, 25% is helium, and the rest is made up of trace quantities of heavier elements. The Sun is about 4.6 billion years old and is about halfway through its main-sequence evolution, during which nuclear fusion reactions in its core fuse hydrogen into helium. Each second, more than four million tonnes of matter are converted into energy within the Sun’s core, producing neutrinos and solar radiation. In about five billion years, the Sun will evolve into a red giant and then a white dwarf, creating a planetary nebula in the process. The Sun is a magnetically active star; it supports a strong, changing magnetic field that varies from year to year and reverses direction about every 11 years.

The Sun’s magnetic field gives rise to many effects that are collectively called solar activity, including sunspots on the surface of the Sun, solar flares, and variations in the solar wind that carry material through the solar system. The effects of solar activity on Earth include auroras at moderate to high latitudes, and the disruption of radio communications and electric power. Solar activity is thought to have played a large role in the formation and evolution of the solar system, and strongly affects the structure of Earth’s outer atmosphere.

Although it is the nearest star to Earth and has been intensively studied by scientists, many questions about the Sun remain unanswered; these include why its outer atmosphere has a temperature of over a million degrees K when its visible surface (the photosphere) has a temperature of just 6000 K. Current topics of scientific enquiry include the Sun’s regular cycle of sunspot activity, the physics and origin of solar flares and prominences, the magnetic interaction between the chromosphere and the corona, and the origin of the solar wind.

Return to the next exercise or return to the original article

BIN Nevertheless, the differing agendas of the two sources can still be traced, most notably in the seven of each clean animal required by the Jahwist text so that some can be sacrificed to God without killing off a species, contrasted with the pair of each animal given in the Priestly text, as no sacrifices can be made under priestly rules until the first priest (Aaron) is created in the time of the Exodus.

A San Diego law championed by Pete Wilson in 1971 cited traffic safety and driver distraction as the reason for the billboard ban, but that law too was narrowly overturned by the Supreme Court in 1981, in part because it banned non-commercial as well as commercial billboards.

Several other indications described in the 17 February 1983 Permanent Operational Assignment to discover a nuclear attack were present during Able Archer 83, furthering the impression that the exercise might be a cover for a real attack.

Several other indications described in the 17 February 1983 Permanent Operational Assignment to discover a nuclear attack were present during Able Archer 83, furthering the impression that the exercise might be a cover for a real attack.

• "The Ministry had links through the government which ensured that anyone who asked awkward questions could be subject to detention or expulsion, and such action was taken against several foreign journalists (for example, John Worrall, correspondent for The Guardian, was expelled in January 1969)."

• "Van der Byl's exploits as a big-game hunter (he shot his first lion in a garden in Northern Rhodesia at the age of 15[10]), a womaniser and a patron of the arts helped to reinforce his standing and many in the Rhodesian Front believed him to be "a 19th century-style connoisseur, a man of culture and an aristocrat-statesman" in the words of Michael Hartnack, a South African journalist[30]."

"In April 1972, van der Byl insisted that Rhodesia would not implement any part of an agreement made with the United Kingdom in November 1971 unless Rhodesia's independence was acknowledged, regardless of the answer from the Pearce Commission who were then investigating whether the settlement proposals would be approved by the people of Rhodesia."

The Bricker Amendment is the name applied to a series of proposed amendments to the United States Constitution considered by the United States Senate in the 1950s which would have placed restrictions on the scope and ratification of treaties and executive agreements entered into by the United States. American politics has always contained an isolationist element which was a particularly potent force in the 1930s and early 1940s, but went dormant with the American entry into World War II. After the conclusion of hostilities and the start of the Cold War with the Soviet Union actively attempting to spread Communism abroad, fears of the loss of American sovereignty to the newly created United Nations and its affiliated international organizations were spread by Frank E. Holman of the American Bar Association (ABA) and others who cited precedents of state and federal courts, notably Missouri v. Holland. They claimed these decisions showed how treaties could override the Constitution and be used by foreigners to threaten American liberties.