User:Tim O'Doherty/news/archive

2023

Week beginning 13/11/23

• 
  BYE SUELLA!
• 
  "Rejoice! Rejoice!"
• 
  BREAKING: William Pitt has been made Secretary of State for Defence
• 
  "Why isn't it ringing?"
• 
  "Y'know, I'm starting to think this Rwanda policy isn't such a great idea after all"

Week beginning 20/11/23

• 
  Argentina elects reckless messy-haired comedy lunatic
• 
  "... and then you sink the Belgrano"
• 
  "I've inherited a mess and found it quite taxing"
• 
  Biden insists on full candles for birthday cake
• 
  "Prime Minister, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop. The SNP have just called for a ceasefire."

Week beginning 27/11/23

• 
  Decaying, worn-out artefact still ruining Anglo-Greco relations ... moving on from the Conservative Party, the Elgin Marbles...
• 
  "Why does our country not have the marbles then, eh?"
  "Because it's a shithole."
• 
  Sunak holds a meeting of all Tory deputy chairmen
• 
  "The cockroach was THAT big!"
• 
  "Then I grabbed him like this, and I said 'Mr ... eh ... Mr Tzatziki, I will NOT be giving you the er, the marvels ... no sorry, the marbles, because they are the rightful plunder of the United Kingdom of England and the Environs'. That's what I told him. Not weak, am I? Eh?"

Week beginning 4/12/23

• 
  Boris gives evidence to COVID inquiry
• 
  "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
  "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
  "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
  "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
  "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
  "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the ... err... what was it again?"
• 
  At long last, Britain sends man to Rwanda
  (That joke didn't go far enough. I'm resigning. Bob)
• 
  "Can you believe it, Akshata? £38,700? Peanuts!"
• 
  Sad news in the US as, under Bidenomics, another small business goes bust:

Week beginning 11/12/23

• 
  After you Eat Out to Help Out
• 
  "What do you see?"
  "Another court defeat"
• 
  "Can I count on your vote to save the Rwanda bill?"
• 
  "Crisis on Downing Street! Mayday! Johnsonday! Trussday! SUNAKDAY!"
• 
  Drakeford resigns as FM, makes slow exit

Week beginning 18/12/23

• 
  Michelle Mone Moans Money Woes (Mostly)
• 
  "Well Doug, we missed the boat."
  "Not this one we didn't!"
• 
  <!>ERROR<!>
  This post has been taken down by The Rt disHon. Michelle Mone, Baroness Mone of Medpro's lawyers. If you attempt to reinstate it there will be a lawsuit, even though it's true.
• 
  "Person living unseen for several years in the south of France makes unexpected return to Britain... hang on..."
• 
  Colorado me shocked

Week beginning 25/12/23

• 
  Careful Rishi, I wouldn't drink that if I were you...
• 
  Sunak: 2024 will be election year
• 
  "Now, where's that turkey?"
• 
  "Rishi!"
• 
  The Sun on Sunday

2024

Week beginning 1/1/24

• 
  "Happy new year? It's your lot's job to make sure it isn't!"
• 
  Happy new Keir
• 
  As Election '24 approaches, Sunak unveils new-look cabinet to appeal to the youth vote...
• 
  ...and Starmer approves new logo.
• 
  And lastly; will he be a dictator? Trump spells it out:

Week beginning 8/1/24

[RETURN TO SENDER]

• 
  Paula Vennells
  hereby awarded the honour
  Commander of the British Empire
• 
  Come at me, Keir! ... (gulp)
• 
  Macron unveils new French prime minister
• 
  And this is what's left of the Tory party...
• 
  Waiting for the general election:

Week beginning 15/1/24

• 
  "And what do you do?"
  "Nothing."
• 
  Hey! Houthis! Leave them ships alone!
• 
  Parliament? What parliament?
• 
  "Just pretend it's Lee Anderson's face"
• 
  That YouGov poll in full:

Week beginning 22/1/24

• 
  Scientists discover new invertebrate
• 
  Another "devastating leadership challenge" against Sunak
• 
  BREAKING: aristocrats speak out against Rwanda plan in Lords
• 
  The last thing a Houthi pirate will ever see:
• 
  : Cameron CONSCRIPTED!

Week beginning 29/1/24

• 
  Klopp quits
• 
  First they came for the XL Bullies
  And I did not speak out
  Because I was not an XL Bully
  Then they came for the cigarettes
  And I did not speak out
  Because I was not a cigarette
  And then they came for the Elf Bars and Crystal Pens
  And by then there was no-one left
  To speak out for me.
  
• 
  Disgraced lunatic of a former leader holds meeting with Boris Johnson
• 
  Political BOMBSHELL in Northern Ireland (picture unrelated)
• 
  "I recognise this!"

Week beginning 5/2/24

• 
  "I- I know! Let's call it the- (snort) POPULAR CONSERVATIVES!"
• 
  Kwasi Kwarteng leaves Parliament for the final time:
• 
  "Bet you a thousand quid you won't be re-elected"
• 
  "You're going to have to rely on the NHS"
• 
  Waving goodbye

Week beginning 12/2/24

• 
  "Well Piers, I will take only 30 seconds or a minute to provide some historical context. I trust you're familiar with the story of Hengist and Horsa?"
• 
  Rochdale results read out
• 
  "Say 'squeeze'!"
• 
  Biden: "What's the name of the British king again... I'm sure it'll come to me..."
• 
  Terror in the States as man turns up for the Super Bowl—claims to have a "winning strategy"

Week beginning 19/2/24

• 
  That new Yousaf cabinet in full:
• 
  No jokes
• 
  "And, you know, 354 million: that's a big number, isn't it? The largest, most beautiful number anyone's ever had to pay. We love that number, don't we folks? Don't we love it?! We love it."
• 
  A Conservative re-election plan emerges
• 
  "I am calling for an immediate ceasefire in the British House of Commons."

Week beginning 26/2/24

• 
  Downfall: woman "author of her own misfortune", judge rules
• 
  Anderson in the doghouse
• 
  : Trussmania arrives in the States!
• 
  "He's costing me much more than 30p"
• 
  Rochdale winner gives victory speech

Week beginning 4/3/24

• 
  The cat that got the cream
  (Explanation for non-Brits. Don't watch on a full stomach. Ed.)
• 
  "My government will tackle extremists head-on ... which is why, Liz, you're for the chop. 15 March. Trafalgar Square. Don't miss it."
• 
  "My election odds are on par with yours."
• 
  "Yes, National Insurance? Mr Hunt will see you now."
• 
  That Republican primary race in full:

Week beginning 11/3/24

• 
  "Whozat running away in the distance? My golly, I don't believes it—it's Mrs May!"
• 
  Propagandaministerium releases Fathers' Day image of Reichsminister Goebbels with family
• 
  Are
  YOU
  the leader of a party on the lunatic fringe?
  If so, contact me at leeandersonmp@careerism.com.
  (30p charge)
  
• 
  Conservative Party campaign donor suggests Labour attack strategy
• 
  Biden and Trump debate for the first time:

Week beginning 18/3/24

• 
  "I've Vaughan the election"
  "You weren't Miles ahead"
  "I'll be Gething Wales moving"
• 
  Sunak unveils new foreign secretary
• 
  Man's lifting of eviction ban unexpectedly backfires
• 
  Robotic model looks at the latest tech
• 
  Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Putin,
  If you think we think you've won?

Week beginning 25/3/24

• 
  "We're all wondering who's responsible for all this division and hatred in Scotland"
• 
  Truss's collapse
  (No, not her. Ed.)
• 
  Blackpool Tower spells out Conservative by-election chances:
• 
  History repeats
• 
  "Look—the Baltimore bridge was strong and stable. There's no doubt about that. To the people of Maryland, I say: nothing has changed!"

Week beginning 1/4/24

As controversial legislation—which some critics say "limits freedom of expression"—finally comes into effect in Scotland, we say

• 
  He's a jolly good fellow!
• 
  Yes, he's a jolly good fellow!
• 
  He's a jolly good fell-ooow!
• 
  And so say all of us!
• 
  And so say all of us!

Week beginning 8/4/24

• 
  Man completes exhausting year-long endurance test: all without running:
• 
  Four years of Labour under Starmer
• 
  "Message from William Wragg? What could that be?"
• 
  America faces eclipse
• 
  Cameron visits NHS hospital

Week beginning 15/4/24

• 
  "HAVE. YOU. GOT. ANY. MISSILES?"
• 
  Truss publishes memoirs of time as prime minister
• 
  "Come on Melania, we've got a friend here with legal woes in need of help."
• 
  : Get cracking, Liz! Only 9 years and 363 days to save the West!
• 
  "I have in my hand a piece of paper..."

Week beginning 22/4/24

• 
  Come on, come on, YEEEEEESSSSS! Hang on, VAR and ... it's off. Robbed! Only out by 4 million votes...
• 
  "No sick days for you! Get back to work!"
• 
  As the Safety of Rwanda Act waits to come into force, some activists take matters into their own hands:
• 
  "Sorry love, you're visibly from Coventry, they'll never let you ride into Manchester. It's sure to antagonise them."
• 
  "Mr Lord, I hope you'll promise to be True..."

Week beginning 29/4/24

[SPECIAL GOVERNMENT COLLAPSE EDITION]

• 
  Former first minister meets Mark Drakeford
• 
  "Onmabus an' lookin for employment"
• 
  New SNP leader announced
• 
  "Better get praying mate"
• 
  Yousaf to select exit vehicle

Week beginning 6/5/24

• 
  "Hello Keir..."
• 
  "That's a disgusting thing to print in a newspaper! 500 seats!"
• 
  Swinney spots potential opponent
• 
  "Please William, I need some election advice"
• 
  : LONDON: WRITING'S ON THE WALL FOR MAYOR

Week beginning 13/5/24

• 
  : DEARY ME! COULD THIS ALL JUST BE AN INNOCENT ACCIDENT?
• 
  Mixed reception to royal portrait
• 
  "Well kids, as I've said, the election will take place in—hey, what's that?!"
• 
  SOUTH DEVON
           IS SO BRACING
• 
  And finally, we turn to New York for Trump's latest statement on his legal troubles:

Week beginning 20/5/24

• 
  "I am calling the general election"
• 
  Gething's first two months as FM:
• 
  "Watch—he's about to request dissolution"
• 
  "Vaughan! Let me tell you, I sympathise with your situation. Ha ha! Hilarious how these things end up..."
• 
  Iran unleashes final drone strike

Week beginning 27/5/24

• 
  Troop inspection
• 
  "Y'know Angela, I'll be getting a second house fairly soon"
• 
  Sunak hires new comms team
• 
  "MY MESSAGE TO KEIR STARMER IS VERY SIMPLE:
  Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby 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blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby."
• 
  "Yep, completely screwed"

Week beginning 3/6/24

• 
  King Charles dissolves Parliament
• 
  "I didn't know Dad believed in God"
  "Once every five years he does"
• 
  "Judas!"
• 
  Conviction politician
• 
  "I've got more confidence in me than everyone else put together! So there!"

Week beginning 10/6/24

• 
  "Ah! Lunchtime. Must be off."
• 
  ITV scheduling another debate
• 
  The Lib Dems arrive in Downing Street
• 
  "Psst. Chaz."
• 
  Stephen Flynn arrives at the seven-way debates

Week beginning 17/6/24

• 
  "Going soon?"
• 
  "100 quid on England, please."
• 
  "WESTMINSTER! How dare you rob Scotland of its rightful victory over Germany..."
• 
  Election night: 21:59...
• 
  ...and 22:00

Week beginning 24/6/24

• 
  "Hmm, 2/1, 5/2, 10/1..."
• 
  New lectern unveiled for Trump–Biden debate
• 
  "Hello there! Can I rely on you to vote Sinn Féin?"
• 
  Live scenes from CCHQ:
• 
  "And now we turn to an undecided voter to ask the party leaders a question"

Week beginning 1/7/24

[HISTORIC SOUVENIR EDITION]

• 
  A new dawn for Britain
• 
  "I just want to find 700 votes"
• 
  "Happy, Keir?"
  "You'll have to ask Rachel Reeves."
• 
  Swinney sends message to Labour voters
• 
  "Right, where's that green card?"

Week beginning 8/7/24

• 
  "That's not how you do it, Emmanuel"
• 
  "I'm not the source either, Vaughan"
• 
  "It's pronounced 'KEE-r STAR-mer', Joe"
• 
  "I'm not being dragged out of Europe against my will, John"
• 
  "You're too left-wing to lead them, Giorgia"

Week beginning 15/7/24

• 
  "I quit"
• 
  "I quit"
• 
  "I quit"
• 
  "I quit"
• 
  "Now, let me say this..."

Week beginning 22/7/24

• 
  "Lost my seat. Still, new job at CrowdStrike. Here goes nothing..."
• 
  "Pull out? What does that mean?"
• 
  "It's curtains"
• 
  "My career prospects are shot"
• 
  "Look Vaughan, it's your legacy"

Week beginning 29/7/24

• 
  Introduction to the private school VAT
• 
  "Not now. I've a plane ticket to Tehran. Laying a wreath for an old friend."
• 
  Boris unveils new book
• 
  "And you know, Kamala isn't the colour she pretends to be... very very disgraceful."
• 
  Braverman thanks leadership allies

Week beginning 5/8/24

• 
  Starmer picks holiday destination to escape riots
• 
  "Shouldn't you be resigning by now?"
• 
  Musk condemns world leader, cites racial bias
• 
  "I'm not going! I have my convictions!"
• 
  "Sorry, I thought this was the lunatic Fringe"

Week beginning 12/8/24

• 
  NORTHALLERTON, North Yorkshire: Winchester student wakes up to bitter set of figures
• 
  "No, thank you, Mr Musk"
• 
  Results day at the Met
• 
  "We will always support your embattled, war-torn country."
  "Thank you, Mr President."
• 
  Corbyn set to form new parliamentary party

Week beginning 19/8/24

• 
  Sunak to give free conference passes to ex-Conservative MPs
• 
  SNP membership falls to three
• 
  Budget Day: Reeves sets off for Parliament
• 
  May en route for first day in Lords
• 
  Blue moon seen from Earth
  (In other news, Nigel Farage seen in Clacton)

Week beginning 26/8/24

• 
  "Now, when I said 'pro-growth'..."
• 
  "No thanks, I want to win"
• 
  Oasis reunite
• 
  "Don't worry: I can see Keir Starmer coming"
• 
  "No, just pub gardens"

Week beginning 2/9/24

• 
  "That's good strong in several categories."
• 
  "Sorry, this is the biggest one we could provide"
• 
  "I would like to thank you all for voting for me..."
• 
  "Honestly, I'll take anyone"
• 
  In Downing Street, preparations finish for the Prime Minister's surprise birthday party

Week beginning 9/9/24

• 
  Reeves faces cold meeting
• 
  "Comebacks, eh...?"
• 
  "All I am doing is extending to the entire NHS the benefits I can can give you for a generation or more. I am going to Starmer-ise you."
• 
  Haitian immigrants prepare for dinner in Ohio
• 
  Industrial devolution

Week beginning 16/9/24

• 
  "Here's a replacement, Jeremy"
• 
  Reeves to redecorate Number 11 with all-women portraits
• 
  "Yes! A pay rise! Time to party..."
• 
  Indyref 10 years on: Salmond goes on media tour
• 
  "No need for the gunpowder, Mr Fawkes... I see the Independent Alliance are about to take their seats."

Week beginning 23/9/24

• 
  "Hello, President Trump"
• 
  Downing Street: she's Cummings for you
• 
  "Good evening, Mr Bond"
• 
  Truss speaks two years after mini-budget
• 
  "You're a rich man, aren't you, Mr Sunak?"

Week beginning 30/9/24

• 
  "Next up next up the Indian Ocean Territory, whaddwillya gimme..."
• 
  Seen leaving Islington North
• 
  Hezbollah "precision missiles" backfire
• 
  Tory contenders
• 
  "I'm about to go ballistic"

Week beginning 7/10/24

• 
  Sue Gray resigns
• 
  "Now James, let me give you some advice..."
• 
  : "Vote-lending! Vote-le-e-ending! Give your vote to Jenrick! Everything must go!"
• 
  And Shapps: what might he be writing...?
• 
  Ah.

Week beginning 14/10/24

• 
  "Thomas Tuchel?"
• 
  "And what does that say?"
• 
  Starmer to fly to CHOGM 2024
• 
  "What? A new position's opened up?"
• 
  "Cor, is that Alex Salmond?"

Week beginning 21/10/24

• 
  "Can we send them all away to campaign for Kamala Harris?"
• 
  Yahya Sinwar killed in British hospital
• 
  "Labour activists! Labour activists!"
• 
  "I promise not to strain diplomatic relations any further. Anyway: here I am, slaving away..."
• 
  "What do you mean we're banning vapes?"

Week beginning 28/10/24

• 
  "I really need your help"
  "Don't worry, Mrs Vice-President"
• 
  "Trick or treat?"
• 
  Increase in the minimum rage
• 
  "Sorry Katie... it's bad news."
• 
  "Eugh... a bit of Puerto Rico has washed up on our beach."

Week beginning 4/11/24

• 
  "Now, I am going to sugarcoat this..."
• 
  Jenrick loses: lashes out
• 
  "And Mike, if anybody says owt to you in t'street..."
• 
  Trump sweeps swing states: Harris loses popular vote
• 
  Trump: Now I have a massive man date