User:Sportsfan77777/sandbox/GA Review

Cindy Shatto

Lead

• Contrary to Muboshgu's edit, I don't think Cindy is a common hypocorism for Cynthia.
• 10m ===>>> 10 m
• won all diving events <<<=== based on the quote later, nearly all?
• She was admitted to hospital in 1972 <<<=== Isn't it 1971?
• during the winter of 1971–1972 (suggest adding "at age 14")
• During the mid-1970s (suggest adding "after competing at one Commonwealth Games and one Olympics"; otherwise there is really no mention of her sporting career in this paragraph)
• but was encouraged by fellow diver Beverly Boys to reflect on the positive aspects of the sport and she took a more positive attitude thereafter. <<<=== I don't think this is important enough for the lead. OR I don't think the significance is really specified (is there any? i.e. She didn't end up returning to competition).
• Per MOS:INFOBOXCITE, you only need to link the source once. (It is better if you move it to where it is used in the prose,)

Early development

• I think "back yard" is one word.
• "She would play diving games with her father, using" <<<=== If her father is the one that is "using", then the first part of the sentence should start with "Her father" not "She"
• At the age of 9, she would practice 33 feet (10 m) platform diving at the Summerville open-air pool, although as it was built on the edge of Lake Ontario, sometimes the wind would blow her off the tower. Occasionally, the extreme cold weather would turn her blue after 20 minutes of practicing, but she never complained. <<<=== I think this is too close paraphrasing. Beyond that, "she never complained" is not encyclopedic enough, especially when the source is her mother. And "the extreme cold weather would turn her blue" potentially seems like it's too informal with this specific wording.
• same as lead, 1971 or 1972 for the hospital?

Competitive diving

• five hours daily, six days a week or longer ===>>> five hours daily for six days a week, or longer
• on the 3 meter springboard diving event ===>>> in the 3 meter springboard diving event
• commonwealth success <<<=== I think Commonwealth should still be capitalized here
• being described as "one of Canada's best divers". ===>>> having been described as "one of Canada's best divers".
• I think most of the Depression section is too much close paraphrasing. As one example: You write, "She considered giving it up to live a more traditional life of partying, cottage vacations and curfew-free summers" compared to the newspaper, "She thought seriously of tossing it all away to pick up the traditional life style of her contemporaries -- weekend parties, vacations at the cottage, and a summer without curfews." There are other examples. The newspaper doesn't really write in an encyclopedic manner, so it should be natural for this article to differ from it.
• I would recommend specifying the years in which she was depressed (most of 1974 and 1975 --- I assume after the Commonwealth Games gold medal in January, owing to "her performances didn't reflect her ability as a top three diver.") because it's not clear that this happened before the Olympics (both here, and in the lead)
• The Olympic section doesn't specify that she didn't qualify for the 3 metre event, or introduce her getting into 10 m diving (I think it was her first such event? Not sure if she continued with it after the Olympics?). It also doesn't specify that she is competing in the 10 m event.
• I would also suggest adding the ages at which she competed at the Olympics and at which she retired. As of now, it's hard to appreciate that she retired at 21 based on what is written.
• This section only mentions three competitive events: one World Championship, one Commonwealth Games, and one Olympics. Did she compete in any other high-level events?
• I think "sabbatical" is too informal. Either "hiatus" or just "break".
• Prior to this, she had not taken more than three weeks off at a time and spent her sabbatical relaxing and did not set foot on a diving board for the entire time. <<<=== This is too close paraphrasing, even more so because it's from a quote. "set foot on a diving board" is also too informal.

Personal

• Dick Shatto, was a professional Canadian football player (suggest adding "and a member of the Canadian Football Hall of Fame")

Overall

• meter ===>>> metre (Canadian spelling) in all instances
• I would suggest the mention of Shatto in every paragraph be "Shatto" rather than "she".
• I don't really know how competitive diving works, but does she have some sort of specialty types of dives, or certain dives that she was good at? (Do all the competitors just do the same dives?)
• In the ref "Where are they now? CINDY SHATTO Diving", remove the MOS:ALLCAPS.

My biggest concern is with all of the close paraphrasing of the newspaper articles, both because it seems too close to plagiarism and also because the writing style in the newspapers isn't encyclopedic and would need to be changed anyway to put that information in this article. If you really want to use the writing from the , just quote it completely, albeit I don't think that's going to work in at least a few of the places where this issue happens. Sportsfan77777 (talk) 20:27, 13 May 2022 (UTC)