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A Baal Teshuvah’s Perspective…

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There are, at minimum, two things an unlearned Jew figures out when confronted with the death of a loved one. The first is that there is, undeniably, a “soul” contained within a human body. The second is that without a mesora, you have no concept of how to mourn.

Even to the least observant Jew, seeing a person both immediately before and after their physical death imprints the truth of the existence of the human “soul.” A person raised as an observant Jew knows about the various aspects of the soul while the non-observant can sense something superrational has changed but lacks the vocabulary and deeper understanding of what has transpired.

The Jew fortunate enough to be raised observant understands the various stages and timing of grief. What can take eleven months after shloshim for an observant Jew can take decades, literally, for the unlearned Jew.

In Parshas Chayei Sara, Avraham comes to teach us crucial lessons about mourning. Look closely at Bereishis 23:2 where it says Avraham proceeded to mourn for Sara and to bewail her. The word וְלִבְכֹּתָֽהּ contains a small כֹּ which, the Baal HaTurim and Rosh explain means that he cried for her only a “little bit.” Avraham was heartbroken at the loss of Sara but the Mussar masters explain that Avraham Avinu’s approach to life was to live in the present and future, not in the past. In a sense, l’havdil, he followed Lot’s advice to his family in Bereishis 19:17 “…do not look behind you…” Avraham knew life must continue and that he had much to do including arranging the purchase of Me’aras HaMachpeilah and searching for a wife for Yitzchok.

Bava Basra (60B) provides us with an additional insight into mourning. There, Jews stopped eating meat and drinking wine after the Second Temple was destroyed. Rabbi Yehoshua inquired why they were acting as ascetics. They replied “How can we eat the meat we used to sacrifice on the Altar? How can we drink wine that was used for libations?” Rabbi Yehoshua responded, “Then you should also not eat bread because the meal offerings have been nullified. How can you eat fruit when the first fruits have been nullified? How could you drink water when the water libations have been nullified?” They were silent and he continued, “Can I tell you not to mourn at all? That is impossible. The decree has already been made. Can I tell you to mourn extensively? This is also impossible, because one cannot impose a decree on the Jewish People that they are unable to fulfill.”

Sanhedrin 22A provides the link between mourning for the Temple and Avraham’s loss of Sara: “And Rabbi Yohanan says: For any man whose first wife dies, it is as if the Temple were destroyed in his days…”

So, how does Avraham move past his grief at the loss of his life partner? וַיָּ֙קׇם֙ אַבְרָהָ֔ם Avraham arose. He stood up. Avraham was able to lift himself up from mourning, says Ibn Ezra, because he realized that Sara was only dead physically; the spirit of Sara would live on as the mother of Klal Yisrael. If only Sara’s body was dead, there was no need for continued mourning.

Often, we think about the non-observant Jews and how much they miss by not appreciating the gift of Shabbat. Rarely do we stop and think how bewildering and despair-inducing death can be to the non-observant Jew lacking guidance or insights on the soul and the mourning process.