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User:SeleneFN/S.H.E.generalcomments

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Main issues needing improvement

  • flow.
  • unbalanced weight of event reporting - too many details on things that might be hyped by the newspapers, but are not necessarily very important to the development and growth of S.H.E.'s music, image, etc.
  • the above point is associated with general excessive detail. Trivial news should not be discussed.
  • try not to selectively report "impressive" news to convince people to like S.H.E. It turns readers away. Remember you're not trying to convince them to like S.H.E. Just describe what they did. Leave the "braggy" things like awards in the awards or accolades section. If you really want to put an impressive piece of news elsewhere, make sure it flows well in context with the surrounding text.
  • consider using the {{cite web}} and {{cite news}} template. I think one of your reviewers mentioned that.
  • consider changing your sentences from inverted tone to a "active" tone. Many of your sentences say "Because of Y, X happened". This is passive and not easy to read. Most sentences should be "X happened because of Y". Also, most of your sentences should be changed from passive to active voice.

General comments

  • my general writing style is to keep things as short and to-the-point as possible. This doesn't appear to be your style, so keep in mind that everything here are merely suggestions. Take it or leave it. When I was writing Jay Chou, I wasn't writing it for long time fans, since likely nothing is ever long enough to cover their idol. I wrote it with the mindset that it was for people who were merely curious or mildly interested in Jay Chou, assuming they will likely get bored with meticulous details. To keep things succinct, I had to be fairly disciplined and deleted things I wrote, and along with all the citations which I so "painstakingly" found. There is a slight emotional hurdle to overcome in deleting your own work.
  • with that in mind, S.H.E. appears to be a bit caught up in details. I say this as a person who is unknowledgeable and only curious about S.H.E. To keep a curious onlooker interested in reading, it maybe necessary to remove these details which I'm sure took you a lot of time to find.
  • there needs to be much improved flow. It is somewhat annoying to readers, especially when discussing chronological items, to go back and forth between time points.
  • consider using last names of the members only. It sounds more encyclopedic
  • mention other singers or bands as little as possible. Mention only what is enough to get your point across.


Musical career section

  • I personally prefer a single section, since separation by years are merely artificial lines. If you must keep them separated, I suggest eliminating the use of names. There's no reason why one section is called "Early Years" and the next one is named after an album "Together". *try to "tell a story". Make one point lead into the next (e.g. At 2000, A did this. As a result, B happened. Afterwards, C came along and joined with A, performing at D... etc). If a sentence doesn't lead into the next point, consider deleting it because it disrupts the flow. A prime example from S.H.E is "On November 26, 2001 they went to Japan to guest star in a television show, where they sang "Beauty Up My Life".


Other stuff

  • I don't understand how

In October 2005, all three members of S.H.E starred in the drama, Reaching for the Stars (真命天女),[e] and sang its opening theme, "Star Light" (星光). During the filming of Reaching for the Stars, Ella burned her ears and hair on a candle, prompting crew members to send her to the National Taiwanese University Hospital.[73] In order to recover, Ella stayed away from filming for two days, during which she cut off approximately two centimetres of dead hair on both sides of her head.[73]

has anything to do with "Decline and revival"

  • "In 2003, "Super Star," one of the group's more notable songs..." -- this whole bit is too specific for a lead in paragarph
  • "Four of the trio's songs have gone on to win Song of the Year awards. However, S.H.E has received their fair share of criticism for covering songs of numerous artists." -- there's too big of a jump here.
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