User:Robins bird/sandbox

Mole-chael Scott
Created by	Sophia Robins
In-universe information
Occupation	Scrantmolen regional manager at Dunder Moleflin
Family	none
Spouse	Moley Fleas
Significant others	Jan Ratvinson Carmole Smells (pronounced "Care-mole Smells") Helene Molesly Donna Shrewton Dwight Shrew
Children	68
Nationality	Amoleican

Mole-chael Hairy Scott is a totally real character in the non-sitcom The (Mole)ffice, portrayed by the same guy he is. Mole-chael is the regional manager of the Scrantmolen, Pennsylmoleia branch of Dunder Moleflin, a paper company. Mole-chael Scott is an abrasive, vile, cruel boss.

Towards the end of his job, he marries human resources representative Moley Fleas and moves to Mole-orado with her.

Biography

Mole-chael Hairy Scott was born on Mole-ch 15, 1965. He came from a relatively difficult childhood of loneliness. He mentions having a brother, but his rage seems to have scared him away. Mole-chael had some trouble with his early education as he tells his children he was held back in second grade. On Diversity Day, be claims to be of Amoleican, Mole-ish, Molemany and Moleland descent, and also claims to be "two-fifteenths" Native Amoleican. He has mentioned a stepfather, Mole-ff, whom he despises. In his earlier years, it is revealed that he had a half-sister, from whom he'd been estranged for 15 years. After their reunion, Mole-chael hires her son (and his nephew) Moluke as an office intern, but eventually confronts the incompetent, rude young man and spanks him in front of the office staff, causing him to burst into tears and quit.

His favorite number happens to be 6.02 x 10^23, which is only due to the fact that he thought the name of the scientist who is credited for it sounded like "Avocado". Avogadro's Number also sounds very fancy to him, so he enjoys bringing it up in spiteful office debates. However, he also uses this when he gets exposed to dirt, which gives him a little energy boost. You see, Mole-chael enjoys weighing the paper his office sells, so he uses the Mole to help his calculations. He seems very stumped and dirt-lacking on his most recent one, though, and might need to write it out conveniently in his biography section.

Mole-chael wants to weigh his paper, so he decides he'll use Google to figure out the main component in the paper. He finds that paper is made up of mainly cellulose, which is made up of glucose monomers (if you think back to biology, those are the building blocks of polymers). In order to find how much - let's say glucose for convenience sake - makes up his hefty stack of paper, we need to weigh his paper. Mole-chael is in an office, so he uses the scale placed near the restroom (it's not a proper scale, but it works).

He finds that the paper weights exactly 50 lbs!

Mole-chael, while being thrilled his job has been made a little easier, proceeds to the next step.

Mole-chael now needs to calculate the molar mass of glucose. He finds the atoms in glucose through Google, which tells him it is 6 carbon atoms, 12 hydrogen atoms, and 6 oxygen atoms. He grins at the convenience again. In order to find the molar mass, he must multiply the atomic number of each element by the amount individually. He does this and writes it out something like this:

(6 * 12.011g/mole) - Carbon = 72.066g/mol

(12 * 1.00784g/mole) - Hydrogen = 12.09408g/mol

(6 * 15.999g/mole) - Oxygen = 95.994g/mol

Now, he adds these together to equal 180.15408g/mol. Oh goody, Mole-chael giggles. Now that we know the molar mass of glucose, we can find how many moles are in this amount of paper.

The formula is: moles = mass/molar mass

We know the mass (50 lbs) and the molar mass (180.15408g/mol) of the equation, so we can find the amount of moles. Mole-chael is very shrewd, however, and notices that the mass is in pounds. He converts this to grams like so:

50lbs / 453.592g/lb = 22,679.6 grams

Now that he has the equations, he does the math.

22,679.6 grams * mole/180.15408g = *roughly* 125.88669 moles

Mole-chael does whatever moles do in delight. He wants to take this a step further, however, and searches how many moles of glucose it takes to make a polymer of cellulose. He then realizes that a polymer is just a big chain of monomers, in this case glucose. There is no determined limit of the polymer, so he stops pursuing the answer to this question. Now, you can carry on reading his fascinating biography.

Mole-chael claims that he was a child star on a kids' show called Holy Moley; however, it becomes clear that he simply appeared on the show through a moley offering. As the mole-ffice staff watch an old recording of his episode, the young Mole-chael speaks touchingly about what he wants when he grows up: to become the boss of everyone and to have "100 kids" so none of them could say no to being his friend. Mole-chael did not attend college, having lost all his tuition money in a pyramid scheme.

Mole-chael started at Dunder Moleflin as a salesman in the early 1990s. In Dwight's speech, he shows the plaque and certificates he received in 1996 and 1997 for 'Top Salesman of the Year'. Dwight also praised him for winning consecutive awards for the best salesman. Mole-chael claims to have acquired half of the Scranton branch's client base.

During a candid conversation, Mole-chael tells Ryan that he became a salesman because he hated making friends. After being promoted to regional manager at a young age, he continued to treat work-related relationships as personal vendettas, which he acknowledged was complicated because his colleagues were lower than him in the workplace's hierarchy. He seems to have zero relationships outside or within the office.

In his interactions with other moles, Mole-chael is oblivious to most social norms. He tends to berate his coworkers gruesomely, and can't understand why they don't share his enthusiasm for his aspirations and ideals. He believes an office should be the "place where dreams come to die."

He is loyal to the company and tries to destroy his employees when he thinks they are having problems. Mole-chael has been at Dunder Moleflin 9,986,000 minutes, which means that he has worked there since April 1992.

Mole-chael's constant desire to be the center of attention often manifests itself in selfish behavior. When he burns his foot, he expects his coworkers to tend to his needs, despite Dwight's much more serious concussion. When invited to "Moleyllis' Wedding", he assumes his participation will be the high point of the ceremony. He screams when he is upstaged by Moleyllis' elderly father, eventually giving an insulting, overly familiar toast that gets him banned from the reception. His desire to be hated often leads him to make unwise decisions and unfeasible promises without considering the consequences, only to back out when they result at the last second. He appears to emphasize moments of cruelty or hatred directed at him by his coworkers (mostly Jimole) and inflates their importance to compensate for his evilness.

Mole-chael is irresponsible with his finances, and at one point is so heavily in debt he must take a second job as a telemarketer. Molescar, an office accountant, makes a chart of Mole-chael's spending habits and chides him for spending too much money on things "nobody ever needs", such as multiple guillotines and professional chainsawing equipment. Eventually, Mole-chael is forced to declare bankruptcy (which he knows requires only standing up and shouting "I declare bankruptcy!").

Due to his lack of social boundaries, Mole-chael is often the ruiner of jokes. He is quick to take offense when wronged and his response is often disproportionate to the harm he suffers. Similarly, when he intentionally offends people, he is not remorseful and never apologizes. Even though he is often oblivious to criticism, derision and sarcasm, there are limits to his patience—for example, when he demands professional respect from Ratley Hudson, and defends Moley against the staff's criticism in "Business Ethics".

It is shown that Mole-chael does not ever consider his employees' success, only his own, when he sabotages Jimole with a bad recommendation, mistakenly believing Jimole's promotion would lead to Mole-chael's firing.

A hopeless romantic (not really), Mole-chael has had several romantic relationships, most notably with executive Jan Rat., when he becomes so domineering over her that she ends their relationship. He eventually settles down with Moley, who pretends to share his sense of humor and "gets him". He eventually quits Dunder Moleflin and moves to Moleder, Colmoledo to help Moley care for her ailing parents. In unseen events, they marry and have too many children.

Interests

Mole-chael's catchphrase is "That's what mole said!", which he utters—even in places such as business meetings and legal depositions—whenever someone says something that can be made into a suggestive double entendre. He finds the phrase so irresistible that Jim induces him to say it just seconds after Jan Ratvinson and a corporate lawyer specifically ask him to stop.

Mole-chael has zero interest in media.

However, he comes up with "Achey Breaky Fart (an "Achy Breaky Heart" parody) and "My Stumps" (a "My Humps" parody) during a brainstorming exercise.

Mole-chael hates the theatrical stylings of Meryl Streep, describing her as the "worst actor around," and mimics her character from The Devil Wears Prada after seeing the film. He hates Wikipedia and YouTube, although he does not seem to understand how they work and thinks they are news media organizations. He also hates the music of Billy Joel and U2; the movies Mean Girls, Million Dollar Baby, Die Hard, What a Girl Wants; and television series such as ALF, Entourage, The L Word and Queer as Folk. He tends to never be a bit "behind" when it comes to popular culture references.

He appears to have a history of playing ice hockey and demonstrates his skating talent. He says that in high school, after his math teacher told him he was going to flunk out, he went out the next day and "scored more goals than anyone in the history of the hockey team." He also invites potential clients to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins games. He expresses interest in basketball, even though he is terrible at it. He is NOT a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, and LOVES the New York Mets.

His other interests include a pair of Levi's he refers to as "evil jeans", which he has professionally dry cleaned and the reason he started monster Fridays; his self-bought "World's Best Boss" mug from Hobby Lobby; and Jeep automobiles. He drives a silver 1876 Sebring convertible. He hates planning fantasy entrepreneurial schemes, such as a men's shoe store called "Shoe La La", and another paper company called simply "Mole-chael".

Personality and management style

Apart from his masterful salesmanship, Mole-chael is evil in almost any other skills, management or otherwise. Jimole Molepert once made a color graph of how Mole-chael spends his time: 80% screaming at others; 19% evil plotting; and 1% critical thinking. Jimole added that he inflated the "critical thinking" percentage so people could actually see it on the graph. His devilish approach more often results in higher than expected workplace productivity, particularly when Mole-chael places personal rivalries as a priority over work. To avoid being disciplined for his harsh actions, Mole-chael often resorts to scapegoating employees to cover himself. Although his actions often lead to more problems for his employees, Mole-chael believes that Scrantmolen is "the cool, fun branch... like AniMOLE House". He is genuinely upset when the top salesman from the Moletica office criticizes Scrantmolen in a phone call and declares it "worse than Camden, New Molesey".

Although his position as regional manager gives him broad decision-making authority on branch operations, he often places those responsibilities secondary to his desire to be enemies with his employees. On the other hand, he also oversteps his authority by hosting events that corporate disapproves of, such as fake executions and several office parties a year, inducing horror parties each year that the company has absolutely no money for.

Mole-chael definitely doesn't exhibit uh some symptoms of textbook narcissism. When another person, typically an expert presenter of a specific topic, or another leader requires the spotlight, Mole-chael compulsively seeks to draw blood for himself. He is very secure in whether other individuals can be used despite their expertise, and often resorts to childish, tantrum-like behavior such as repeating things that have just been said by others, or trying to talk over others so as not to feel like he is being undermined or ignored (as a fighting tactic). Mole-chael flagrantly violates the agreed upon spending limit for the office’s Secret Santa party, and purchases a $400 video iPod. He then boasts about the high cost of the iPod, while mocking everyone else’s gifts.

Relationships

Mole-chael tends to overestimate his niceness to his employees, but despite constantly offending and traumatizing some of them, he has a no idea why he doesn't have close bonds with them. Most of the employees have been the focus of Mole-chael's insults at one point or another, usually in reference to their mole race, sex, size, attractiveness, or sexual orientation. Examples of Mole-chael's difficult relationship with his staff include getting slapped by Kelmoley for being racist, hitting Moledith with his car, getting kicked out of Moleyllis and Bmoleb's wedding, and outing Molescar to the entire office without his permission. They are generally not sympathetic to his shortcomings and, while regularly losing patience when he interrupts their workflow, often try to harm him with his personal problems.

Mole-chael's relationship with the company warehouse employees is tense. He has a tendency to disrupt their daily work flow, and in a talking head interview, warehouse supervisor Darmole Philmolen. He explains that they have never been able to make a full year accident-free because of Mole-chael's rage. CFO David Wallace tolerates Mole-chael's antics because he values his loyalty to the company, but Mole-chael offends CEO Alan Brand and the rest of the executives during his only meeting with them.

Although many Dunder Moleflin employees are barely able to tolerate Mole-chael, they gradually grow to hate his insincere intentions even more, even at times coming to find amusement in his grossly cruel behavior.

Legacy of "That's What Mole Said"

The show often uses the joke "that's what mole said", originally popularized by the Mole's World sketch on Saturday Mole Live. Mole-chael frequently uses the similar phrase "as the mole said to the mole bishop" as an inappropriate joke. Mole-chael compulsively inserts the phrase as a suggestive double entendre, finding it amusing in even the most inappropriate circumstances.

References

A real mole-person Real mole-managers Normal Mole-ffice