User:Rdweck3/sandbox
NFCHAR.
| <Maurice Pitka > | |
|---|---|
| <The Love Guru belongs to> = Mike Myers character | |
| First appearance | <first (episode/book/etc.) Austin Powers: Spy Who Shagged Me( first draft script ). |
| Last appearance | <last appearance; The Love Guru |
<Maurice Pitka ( born 1963)> is a fictional character in [[<The Love Guru ]]. In 1975 at 12 years old Pitka became a guru with the intent to be a Lothario , his guru , Guru Tugginmypudha(Ben Kingsley ) cross eyed from excessive Masturbation makes Pitka wear a Chastity belt, the device has a large elephant head codpiece , when exposed it makes a trumpeting noise . When he gets an Erection it causes a loud dinging noise . It does not protect his genitalia from pain . Pitka is warned that if he attempts to masturbate he will get Strabismus like his guru .
In 2008 he was the number 2 guru in the world to Deepak Chopra who succeeded faster. Pitka lives a lavish life and has a servant he is his close friend Rajneesh. Pitka desires to become the number one guru .
Pitka is a Dating coach with many celebrity clients and followers including
Val Kilmer , Jessica Simpson and Mariska Hargitay . In Canada , Jane Bullard(Jessica Alba) is the new owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs due to her father passing away. Her star player Darren Roanoke is separated from his wife and she has began dating his rival .
This causes Darren’s hands to shake and he’s unable to play properly. Jane hires Pitka , she is a huge fan of his work and has a crush on him . Pitka immediately
falls in love with Jane at first sight . If Pitka is able to fix Darren’s relationship , the team will win the Stanley Cup .
Pitka is immature and insecure but his methods eventually work .
Relationships :
Jane Bullard :
the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs . She is 18 years younger than Maurice .
Coach Cherkoff ( portrayed by Verne Troyer) is the short tempered coach of the Toronto Maple leafs . Pitka and him do not get along at first , Pitka mocks his Dwarfism . After mocking him and causing them to lose games he punches Pitka in the crotch , Pitka suffering from thirty three years of Blue balls groans and hunches grabbing his crotch .
Pitka takes Omar Sharif’s name in vain and shouts “ MY BALLS! “
has a Tantrum about the pain in his Scrotum, Gonad and Testicles
Concept and creation
[edit]Mike Myers came up with the character after his father’s death , becoming more spiritual. He spent many years on an original character of the Guru Pitka.
Appearances
[edit]Reception
[edit]Initially criticized for being portrayed by a Canadian actor as of Indian descent , Pitka is actually an American raised in India , pursuing becoming a guru in order to be loved by women .
References
[edit]External links
[edit]<Any related templates go here>
<Categories go here>
=== Biography ]] Born in 1963 Maurice Pitka arrived in India after his parents death . His parents were dog groomers and missionaries. He pursued being a guru to be a lothario . Alongside his rival Deepak Chopra he is mentored by Guru Tugginmypudha Ben Kingsley . While Deepak excels , Pitka is forced to wear a large chastity belt with an elephant head codpiece . He is very upset by this and quickly asks if he can still masturbate, but is warned he will become extremely cross eyed like his guru . When exposed the Elephant head makes a trumpeting sound . When he gets erection his penis bonks painfully against the device , causing a loud dinging noise . The belt does not protect his scrotum either .
33 years later Pitka's dream is to become the number-one Guru and appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life with thousands of followers, including the celebrities Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay. His teachings, which involve simplistic acronyms and plays on words, are displayed in PowerPoint slide shows.
In Canada, Jane Bullard inherits the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team, who are on a losing streak; her star player, Darren Roanoke, has been playing badly ever since his wife Prudence left him for Los Angeles Kings goaltender Jacques "Lè Cocq" Grandé. Jane is a big fan of Pitka's, and offers to pay him $2 million to patch up Darren's marriage, so the team can win the Stanley Cup. Pitka's agent tells him that if he succeeds, Oprah will have him on her show.
Pitka and Jane bond on the plane ride. Jane became a fan of Pitka’s work due to the death of her father (in real life, Mike Myers became a fan of Deepak Chopra after his father’s death). Jane admits she has a crush on him and Pitka asks if she has a husband or a boyfriend which she says no to. Pitka asks if she has a girlfriend , she laughs and says no but admits to lesbian experienmentation in college , this arouses Pitka , causing his chastity belt to clank . He denies hearing it and winces then crosses his legs over his lap . Pitka is surprised she is single. Jane asks why , at first he says she is nice and intelligent but he gets more libidinous as he mentions her pouty lips , bedroom eyes and great rack breasts , finally he emphasizes her female buttocks , while he’s gesturing with his hands grabbing them. he says that is tight , bell shaped and thick .
Jane reveals the "Bullard Curse." Canadian hockey fans dislike her very much and throw food at her when they see her (to the point that boundary lines are painted in the Leafs' arena specifically for her to show when she wouldn't be seen by the fans).
Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, to distract him from his distress over his wife's affair. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq, and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck.
Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane. Pitka ‘s assistant Ragneesh prepares a dish called “ nuts in a sling”, a dough pouch with two lychees inside . Pitka makes a military physical joke , squeezing it and coughing . Jane politely passes , the preparation continues as first it is whacked with a mallet. Pitka exclaims , groans and moans in agony as he feels it in his own scrotum . Next it is dipped in hot oily water , Pitka moans in agony but quickly by arousal, he moans and chuckles. The dish is served with curly fries and a pickle to resemble pubic hair and a penis . Jane is worried about what is going on,
Pitka verbally manipulates Jane to kiss him only to hear a ding again on his chastity belt. Upset when he tells her their love cannot be, she runs out. Pitka advises Darren to write an apology to Prudence, and fights off a rooster to deliver the letter. After they lose three games, Coach Cherkov berates Jane and punches Pitka in the groin. He is only slightly injured from hitting the chastity belt but Pitka is suffering from over thirty years of blue ballsmoans , grabs his crotch and shouts OmarShariff My BALLS!!” . He moans and falls to the ground , he has a tantrum about the pain in his testicles, crying as he yells at Coach Cherkoff “ My BALLS! You prick !”
Coach Cherkoff tells him to stay down . Pitka humbly submits .
Pitka runs after Jane , who snaps and scolds him to do his job . Dick Pants warns Pitka to hurry up the process or he will lose his spot on Oprah again to Deepak Chopra. Pitka is adamant that Darren is not ready. Pitka and Darren attempt a confrontation, but her invective ends up scaring both of them away. Pitka helps Darren realise that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded he had grown to believe Prudence would only love him as long as he won. Pitka then drives himself and Darren to Niagara Falls for a "Heart to Heart".
Darren asks Pitka how he can be a love guru as he has never been in love himself . Pitka tries to joke at first but admits that he uses his humor to deflect from the emotional and physical pain of his celibacy , he reveals he is in love with someone .
With time running out, Pitka distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then tells Prudence that Darren stood up to his mom, encouraging her to return to her husband. During the lead up to the final game, Le Cocq, having heard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets her to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to flee. At the airport on his way to guest on Oprah, Pitka sees the news on television and defies his agent by going back to help Darren.
Pitka arrives at the final game and reveals his chastity belt to Jane. Jane understands that he didn’t reject her .
After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren recovers until Le Cocq brags that Prudence prefers him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs another distraction, which he provides by getting two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink, in front of the live television audience. Darren wakes up from his stupor and scores the winning goal. After the game, Pitka makes up with Jane and Coach Cherkov, then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra.
Back in India, Guru Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka's chastity belt, revealing there was a hook in the back. The film ends with Jane and Pitka dancing together in a Bollywood-style number to a rendition of "The Joker".
In a deleted scene , the ending is Pitka losing his virginity , having sex with Jane. She is overwhelmed by his prowess and lifts the covers looking down at his lap and admiring the size of his genitals . He smirks and they continue to have sex.