User:Bob the Wikipedian/Jokebook

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Did you hear about the two iPhones who got married? The wedding was great but the reception was terrible. Too bad they held it in the wrong place.

Thanks, Sharktopus

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What kind of animal lives in an automobile?

A carpet.

Thanks, Tyw7

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What happens when you drop a blueberry?

You get a blueberry squash.

Thanks, Tyw7

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Thanks, 220.239.56.131

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked. “Nah,” the old man replied. “My wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Thanks, T'Shael

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was running from Colonel Sanders.

Thanks, BillClinton1000

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Why did the cat always win?

He was a cheetah.

Thanks, Tyw7

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23 happy clowns enter a small, novelty car but at the end of their trip only one sad, little clown leaves the car.

A passerby ask, "what happen to all your friends?"

And the sad, little clown says very bluntly, "well, I had to kill them."

Shock by the clown's confession, the passerby ask, "well, why would you do something like that?"

And the clown replies, "because...they started turning funny."

Thanks, Meojive

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Two sisters get into a fight over three men. At the end of the fight, the sisters decide it is best to cut all them in half.

Thanks, Meojive

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What does Luke Skywalker call his razor?

A lightshaver.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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Two TV aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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What do you get if you cross a cat and a log?

A catalogue.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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How do you cure a sick kangaroo?

Give it a hop-eration.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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What's white and kills you if it falls out of a tree?

A fridge.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

Thanks, Fairfieldfencer

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How many Irish builders does it take to dig a hole in the wrong place?

Well, it was the English foreman that told 'em the plans were metric!

Thanks, Sfan00 IMG

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What happens when you drop a cell phone?

Cell division.

Thanks, Sfan00 IMG

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Q: What happens when you drop a cell phone?

A: You get cell division.

Thanks, Anonymous

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Ein Österreicher unter hält sich mit einem Schweizer. Sagt der Österreicher: "Unsere Länder haben viel gemeinsam: die hohen Berge, den vielen Schnee, die schöne Landschaft. Sogar die Farben unserer Nationalflaggen sind gleich: rot und weiss. Darauf der Schweizer: "Das stimmt, aber wir haben ein "Plus" in der Flagge und ihr habt ein "Minus".

An Austrian stopped a Swissman. Said the Austrian, "Our countries have much in common: the high mountains, the plentiful snow, the beautiful landscape. Even the colors of our national flags are the same: red and white. To that, the Swissman said: "True, but we have a plus on our flag, and you have a minus."

Danke, Frankenmaddin

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Please post all new jokes below this line, remembering to sign with four tildes (~~~~)

Finish your spanish lesson and the duolingo bird might let your family go Elitematterman (talk) 17:12, 5 April 2019 (UTC)

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts!TelosCricket (talk) 13:51, 3 November 2019 (UTC)